Technophobe DM

[Meili04]

My DM is in her 50s so not very elderly. She has a basic mobile phone but won't learn to use the internet or have a smartphone. She calls me to find numbers to order catalogues, she has to order things through the telephone so can't get discount codes etc. I've asked her about going for computer courses etc and she says it's too scary. She said she would like to learn about ancient kings etc and I said it's all on Wikipedia.
She's very isolated , doesn't drive so calls me up regularly to order things look up things on the net.

AIBU to think you can learn to use the internet in your 50's and it's just laziness ?

😳😳 This is madness. She’s not much older than me!!

My in laws are 80 and have iPhones, order stuff online and use online banking. I suspect your mum just knows you’ll do it for her.

Yes, she’s being ridiculous. There’s nothing noble about being a luddite.

It really surprises me that there are people in their fifties who refuse to learn how to use basic technology.

My parents are in their late sixties - never grew up with any technology but both managed to learn with no problem. Both have social media, use Garmin to track their long walks and runs and my mum regularly FaceTimes and texts. My dad doesn't have a phone (he can use one though) but he has a laptop and uses it daily with no issues whatsoever.

Lots of people didn't grow up with technology - I'm only in my early thirties and we didn't have internet at home until I was 12. DH is late thirties and never had internet at home until he moved out but he still managed to teach himself how to use it.

IMO unless people are incapable of using something, I don't really encourage this learned helplessness - there's no real excuse these days - it's a choice they're making. Don't enable it unless you really want to.

My mum generally hates technology but has begrudgingly accepted that it has become necessary in this day and age. However, if she wasn't married to my dad, who had a whole career in tech, she'd probably still be quite the luddite.

However I have a friend at my church who had a long moan about having spent the whole previous day driving round every supermarket and other places too so she could check prices for replacing all the church wine glasses. I asked why she hadn't just googled them.
"Oh I don't do technology."

You are being VVV unreasonable for describing someone in their fifties as not “ very “ elderly.
Its not elderly at all!!

Some people aren't interested, usually those that have people running round doing stuff for them

I'm only in my early 40s and I didn't have a computer until I had left home?

My secondary had some PCs but not many, my primary didn't have them at all.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that someone 10 years older than me never used a computer as a child!!!

There are also jobs out there that do not require use of a computer - my DHs is one of them!

You need to speak to your mum, sit her down. Yes it might be scary or overwhelming but the world is only going to get more digital and if she lives until 90 that's another 40 years she will be struggling with basic things if she doesn't learn.

My mother is 82 and more or less self taught on the laptop. She can order things, read e books and communicate with people. And have a right nosy on peoples FB pages but that is another story :) Having said that if something goes wrong she blames herself rather than the technology itself and we have to come to the rescue but only occasionally

I have a family member who was like this and what helped was buying her an iPad.

She is still terrified of a PC or laptop and won't go near it and she can do far more on her tablet than she can on her phone.

I just think they are a bit simpler to use and bigger screen than a phone.

Maybe try this?

I agree about getting an iPad, it is far easier to use than a phone and you can use websites easily that don't display very well on a small phone, I would get one of the bigger ones rather than a mini, mine is about 10", I hardly use my phone apart from when I am out

YANBU. Yes, she’s being lazy. Stop doing things for her and she might start learning herself.

I'm as late in my 50s as possible.

I spend my entire day on the internet. Run marketing for a technology company. Run campaigns and on-line conferences Run my entire life on the internet...except books. I like paper books.

Honestly, age is not the problem, she just needs encouragement. Have you bought her a basic tablet, something like a Lenovo? Set it up on a stand in her kitchen with a browser, security, email service and messaging.

Set up her favourite catalogue sites as buttons in the browser, so their logos are visible. Every time she asks for something do it on-line in front of her. Refuse to help unless she watches/presses the keys.

My mum, in her eighties was so scared of technology she used to keep her debit card in her panty girdle. 🤔She never took to a mobile phone but mastered a tablet that she treated like a piece of furniture. Just keep trying. Good luck.

Has she always been like this in regards to learning new things? It's interesting that you describe her as not very elderly, has she made herself older than her years? Or has she suffered a massive loss of confidence and developed anxiety which a lot of women do during/post menopause? How you handle it depends on the cause.

This is what I'd do; find out about basic computing usage courses in her area that are accessible easily by public transport. Sign her up to one. Take her along first time, stick around to be there in the tea break or after to make sure she stays. Talk through how it went and if it went well let her get on with it from then on. I've encountered so many older (and not so much older) people overcome their fears of such things by joining a friendly group/class, and I bet that unless really unlucky she'd find it so much easier than she thinks and her fears would start to dissolve, but she probably needs support to get to the starting line and you can give her that support OP.

By the way I'm 67 and pretty much wedded to all my tech now, but about 15 years ago decided I wanted to learn filmmaking (before smartphones really) and joined a group and was scared and learnt sooooo much including quite sophisticated editing, and I could literally feel new bits of my brain growing and whirring, it was great! And I gained a lot of confidence learning something new and (at the time, for me) difficult, completely out of my comfort zone. It could really help her in many more ways than just competence with tech.

My grandma who is 87 can do this. She can learn!'

I agree with others, it isn't her age it is her attitude. FIL was massively against tech on all levels. In the late 90s they had a 21 inch tv in their lounge. MIL wanted at least a 32 inch tv but FIL ruled. This wasn't about money either. They also didn't even have a video recorder. Just a 21 inch tv. He did eventually get a computer, MIL's job meant she spent half her life using the internet at work. He was just slow to come round to it.

One of the best things we did for FIL (now 75) was advise him to get a Chromebook, he had had lots of issues with his computer which caused massive frustration. Plus he rang us all the time to sort it out and Dh talked him through screen sharing. So the Chromebook updates itself in a few seconds, doesn't get any viruses or malware etc which meant it was very safe for FIL to use. I also have a Chromebook and have had for years.

I would, if you could, spend the weekend with her, get her set up on the internet using wifi (again FIL very paranoid about wifi and what that could mean) then she has the Chromebook where she can google and ask the questions she usually asks you. Walk her through it. With the Chromebook you open it, put in a password and it is alive and kicking in seconds. Explain to her how you go about finding phone numbers or looking at catalogues.

When my Mum started a different job in her 50s she went to a night class to learn Excel. That was 20 years ago. I understand it can be daunting but it sounds like your Mum would massively benefit from the internet and YouTube, an absolutely amazing resource for history.

I am 50 and my age group is right on the cusp of computers coming into schools. At primary we had one BBC computer for the whole school which was wheeled around on a trolley about 1982-3. When I started secondary in 1984 we had one period of "computing" which was more about operating a computer rather than coding. Computing was not offered as an examined subject when I was at school. When I started Uni in 1990, everything was handwritten. Nobody had a mobile phone. I got my first email address in 1994 and needed a special form from the Uni to do so.

However, in every job I have had since leaving uni in 1994 I have had to use some form of technology, even if it was just a word-processor or dumb terminal to log payments.

So someone slightly older than me might not have grown up with it in schools/uni, but MUST have used internet or computers at work.

Ok so she doesn't have internet access at home only has a basic smartphone. What options are there for cheap internet connection as easy as possible for DM.

She'd probably be better looking for a cheap SIM deal with unlimited data.

She has used a computer I remember her using a word processor when she did her assistant practioner course must be around 20 years ago now. She hasn't worked for around 14 years, she used to work in healthcare which I'm guessing didn't use the computer that much then.

I suspect part of it is laziness. She recently bought a ninja foodie which isn't the most simple of gadgets it has lots of settings. She seems to be getting on ok with it.

A normal fibre connection would probably be the best from one of the big providers like BT or Sky, so its a name she would have heard of. See what offers are on, she won't need a really fast expensive connection just a basic fibre package

I’m 61. PCs first arrived in my workplace around the late 80s when they were used as word processors basically. I remember starting to use Windows in 1993. Has your mother never had a job?

I see your DM used to work in healthcare, so perhaps she would not have had as much exposure to IT as someone working in an office.