Technophobe DM

[Meili04]

My DM is in her 50s so not very elderly. She has a basic mobile phone but won't learn to use the internet or have a smartphone. She calls me to find numbers to order catalogues, she has to order things through the telephone so can't get discount codes etc. I've asked her about going for computer courses etc and she says it's too scary. She said she would like to learn about ancient kings etc and I said it's all on Wikipedia.
She's very isolated , doesn't drive so calls me up regularly to order things look up things on the net.

AIBU to think you can learn to use the internet in your 50's and it's just laziness ?

[XenoBitch]

We actively will not allow my dad any tech, as he will be a liability. He has been asking about Twitter. He gets drunk and calls LBC all the time. He needs to be kept offline.

[FrangipaniBlue]

I wish people would stop saying "has she never had a job??"

There's are LOTS of jobs which do not require a computer....

Some posters really do struggle with thinking outside their own little bubble

[HappydaysArehere]

I would get her an iPad. My dh was almost technically illiterate until Ibought him his own iPad in 2019 for his eightieth birthday. He uses it every day. I have now bought him his own iPhone for a joint Christmas and Birthday present and traded in my iPhone 7. He now wants to text etc. so long as you are available to help her initially for a couple of weeks she should soon fall in love with it.

[BryceQuinlanTheFirst]

I think at her age she needs to learn as in a few years I think online will be the only way to do many things.

I have a business where our customers are this age and I know whilst many are very techy some lack a lot of confidence. My mum is this age group and she gets very anxious if something isn't obvious... I think those of us who grew up with tech are more problem solving in this area. I often don't know how to do things but just work it out, my mum can't do this.

I would start small with her, even write instructions on pen and paper but it's ultimately practice... Very hard if she doesn't want to

[KILM]

Im guessing there's some health issues if she hasnt worked since her early 40s, but even then - she doesnt really have a choice. She definitely needs to get on board, because eventually the 'other' options will disappear. Which is what i always think when someone boasts they dont do online banking, or have a mobile phone. Its entirely possible we will get to a point where you cant go into a physical bank, and you will need a smart device for two-factor authentication to accounts. Regardless of the debate on if this is right or wrong, these things are a possibility.

What i'd be inclined to recommend is getting a cheap smartphone and setting it up with a child safety app, as you can basically reassure her she isnt going to break it. She will need to READ things though, which is the challenge with some people i have encountered in this age group who are technophobic. Something pops up and they dont read it to try and figure it out! Or they read it and immediately go 'i dont know what that means' without thinking about it. Its a lack of confidence, so maybe if you slightly con her into thinking you've set it up so its unbreakable, she would relax more.

Also spend some time showing her things in a natural way, without it being a big deal or making it obvious you are 'demonstrating' . So you watch a TV programme and she shows interest in something, find an excuse to go 'i wonder what that character looked like in real life?' And sit next to her and google it. Sounds slightly patronising, but as you have mentioned laziness is a factor, little and often demonstrations of how easy and quickly you can get what you want might help.

BT run a 'skills for tomorrow' website aimed at beginners that you might find useful, and please please please teach her about online security, find examples of scams, make sure she knows not to ever give out money etc - there's lots of stuff around on how to approach this with less tech - savvy people if you google.

[Iluvperegrines]

It’s attitude, but you know that already.

My mum did a course called (I think) the computer driving licence many years ago. She is now in her 80s and fine with computers she smart phones. I’m pretty sure your mum could manage it if she had to but if you are helping her- where’s the incentive?

[useruse]

What has someone dying got to do with not using a computer, well it might be easier I suppose as paperwork will be readily available instead of having to find out everything they had because its all online

[CelestiaNoctis]

50 is young wtf haha not very elderly. She's being lazy imo and needs to move with the times. Technology has been big since the 80s at least. And the Internet has been must have since the 2000s. Everything is very user friendly these days and foolproof. Scams are hard to fall for unless you're extremely naive and innocent but you'd obviously educate her on that.

[useruse]

For older people that have not used Windows in the workplace much or at all, Apple is much easier to use and more intuitive so Apple might be a better option as there is much less option to change things with it, what you have is what you use, there is also plenty of help online on using different aspects of it and she could use Apple Keychain which is the inbuilt password manager.

[EmmaH2022]

why does someone always come out with "what if she dies?"

my dad is dead but that doesn't mean he wasn't a right pain in the arse sometimes and believe me, I do not miss those times.

With someone this age, I would stop enabling her. She can learn. If she doesn't want to bank online fair enough, but she should manage her own stuff.

My mum is 83. She went on a course for seniors to learn computers - she had almost no experience. She went on this at about 75 I think. She won't use a smartphone - arthritic hands - but she uses a tablet to watch lectures and things online. It's great, she finds lots of old nostalgic TV on YouTube as well. She is very pleased that she learned.

She won't bank or shop online, but the difference is, we do stuff for her, she does stuff for us. She will look up items online before we order them for her.

Her health is wildly variable, but she will always offer to help us if she can. If not, then when we get her shopping she will always tell us to just add on what we want, for example. OP mum sounds like she's not reciprocating in anyway.

So two things here - one, your mum can learn and two, is she expecting something for nothing? My mum would say, hang on, families are supposed to look after each other, it's not meant to be one sided.

[Fe345fleur]

Is she scared to learn? Her local council might do computer beginners courses in the library. You definitely don't have to look stuff up for her, there's no incentive for her to learn then. Agree 50s is not the same as if she was elderly.

[girlfriend44]

@CoffeeLover90

My dad's the same. Just turned 60, doesn't even use online banking. I've tried offering to help, I've offered to order things online and he can give me the money. He's only done that once, it was a present for my son but he went to several shops to try and buy it in person first. I only found out a few weeks ago that he doesn't even know how to use self check out in the shops. He has a smart phone and uses WhatsApp. He had broadband put in but only because he bought a smart TV. I don't know if he watches catch up on it, I tried to ask.
It frustrates me because he refused to learn but I was happy to help but he also refused to let me do it for him. Insists on trailing around shops, unable to find the item he's looking for, travelling the next city over even.

Whose to say self checkouts are a good thing.
They take away jobs amongst other things.

[KimberleyClark]

@Meili04 checkout the price of unlimited data SIM or a cheap broadband. A bundle deal if she is on sky or virgin. I would say get her either a smart phone or a tablet to start with, instead of a computer. What would she like to do online? If it's shopping, then make bookmarks of shops like marks and spencer and next.

Also maybe encourage her to play simple games like solitaire, that might increase her confidence a bit.

[CoffeeLover90]

My dad's the same. Just turned 60, doesn't even use online banking. I've tried offering to help, I've offered to order things online and he can give me the money. He's only done that once, it was a present for my son but he went to several shops to try and buy it in person first. I only found out a few weeks ago that he doesn't even know how to use self check out in the shops. He has a smart phone and uses WhatsApp. He had broadband put in but only because he bought a smart TV. I don't know if he watches catch up on it, I tried to ask.
It frustrates me because he refused to learn but I was happy to help but he also refused to let me do it for him. Insists on trailing around shops, unable to find the item he's looking for, travelling the next city over even.

[ReadyForPumpkins]

@Meili04 checkout the price of unlimited data SIM or a cheap broadband. A bundle deal if she is on sky or virgin. I would say get her either a smart phone or a tablet to start with, instead of a computer. What would she like to do online? If it's shopping, then make bookmarks of shops like marks and spencer and next.

I can see why she might not have used the internet at work if she's in healthcare and left work 14 years ago. (Healthcare is more behind in tech than other industry most likely). I am late 40s but work in tech and we were already paperless in my first job in the late 90s. I remember my lawyer dad had word processors and printers in his office in the 80s. It was an Apple IIe. That's why it's very hard to believe for those of us in their 40s/50s that one of our peers do not know how to use the internet!

[Electrix]

Everytime I visit my grandmother, she has duplicated all her apps, moved them out if their folders, got 5 homescreens with three apps on the front and then the rest scattered around ... She swears blind she doesn't do this! I have to fix it every time. Last time she couldn't understand why she couldn't get WiFi when she was out of the house - she had accidently turned her mobile data off.

[SleeplessInEngland]

What a way to talk about your dm as well.
The person who has done things for you all your life from birth.

Oh do shut up. You know nothing about the OP's past.

[Electrix]

My grandmother also doesn't drive and doesn't use computers. She can use a smartphone just about though. My grandfather did everything on the laptop, she has never used one. She would use a tablet. It's quite weird

[Meili04]

@girlfriend44

Absolutely. I said the same. Using the computer can bring alot of problems too.

What a way to talk about your dm as well.
The person who has done things for you all your life from birth.

Well you don't know anything about my DM. She didn't bring me up actually my DGM did. My siblings have all cut contact. I'm the only one who is involved.

[Meili04]

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime

Given her work background I'm assuming there is no question about her literacy? Could she have been hiding dyslexia or difficult reading? Or does she use this as a way of boosting contact with you?

No she has a HND and enjoys reading. She does have MH problems but is well at the moment. Basically if she can't get something from the local shop I order it for her or she will ring me to get the number. Then she started moaning about Amazon not paying tax they are one of the only companies to offer quick delivery to her postcode.

[girlfriend44]

@17to35

Some harshness here!
I am 63. I work with people your Mum's age and they are not all fully conversant with tech. I certainly didn't grow up with computers and have had to learn in my adult years from my children.
One of the things I hate is the worry that I will "break" whatever device I am using and not be able to fix it.
Younger people just don't have that fear. My friend would be like your Mum. She would always phone or ask me to book things on line fir her. She is not stupid or lazy. It is a lack of confidence/ worry about scams.
I think it is really sad that people are getting irritated with older people over this.

Absolutely. I said the same. Using the computer can bring alot of problems too.

What a way to talk about your dm as well.
The person who has done things for you all your life from birth.

[Meili04]

@girlfriend44

No she's probably quite sensible really. At least she won't be scammed will she?
Have abit more patience and sympathy with your mum, she's your mum and if she suddenly died tomorrow then the fact she didn't go online will be the least of your worries.

Well my mum isn't elderly that's the point. She's in her 50s!!! She could have another ,45 years left on the planet. The fact is technology is moving along things like blood tests have become compulsory to book online. Catalogues will probably be obsolete as the elderly pass away. She doesn't have a learning disability as she has a HND.

[LadyGardenersQuestionTime]

Given her work background I'm assuming there is no question about her literacy? Could she have been hiding dyslexia or difficult reading? Or does she use this as a way of boosting contact with you?

[girlfriend44]

@Meili04

My DM is in her 50s so not very elderly. She has a basic mobile phone but won't learn to use the internet or have a smartphone. She calls me to find numbers to order catalogues, she has to order things through the telephone so can't get discount codes etc. I've asked her about going for computer courses etc and she says it's too scary. She said she would like to learn about ancient kings etc and I said it's all on Wikipedia.
She's very isolated , doesn't drive so calls me up regularly to order things look up things on the net.

AIBU to think you can learn to use the internet in your 50's and it's just laziness ?

No she's probably quite sensible really. At least she won't be scammed will she?
Have abit more patience and sympathy with your mum, she's your mum and if she suddenly died tomorrow then the fact she didn't go online will be the least of your worries.

[gamerchick]

It's a mixture of learned helplessness and laziness.

There are internet options if she doesn't have wifi but tbh if she had a laptop you'll just get phone calls to come and fix something or remember passwords. It doesn't end.

Only options are to set her up with a laptop and say no more or put up with it.

Or say no, if she wants something, then she'll have to go to the shops.