To be hurt by these comments about my relationship?

[Miss90sxo]

Hi all, will try to keep this as short as possible. I recently caught up with a friend who I’ve known for the last few years and was introduced to by my other half as she’s the girlfriend of his friend. We’ve always got on well and shared many good times and occasions and became friends apart from our other halves. She’s someone who I felt I could always talk to/support. When we caught up recently she was asking me how things were going with my partner and I and with our new car etc. I did share some things with her which were bothering/upsetting me (which I have told her about before) and she then for the first time expressed her views on my relationship which took me by surprise. She told me that she thinks my partner is taking the P out of me, he’s selfish and won’t change and that if a better opportunity came along then she thinks he would easily drop me and move on. She said that both her and her other half think this. I was really shocked and hurt by this and burst into tears. I asked her on the spot if she thinks my partner loves me and she said she thinks he cares for me and loves me ‘in his own way’ but would easily bin me off. As I said, I’m so shocked and feeling so hurt by this. I’ve been with my partner for over 6 years and we live together so it was hard to hear. I don’t know how to feel about this and think she thinks I should possibly leave him? I’d feel really awkward meeting up in couples now as I feel my relationship is being judged :(

Does she have a point?

That was very blunt. She’d want to have a fair point to say that to you. Is she right?

You are lucky to have an honest friend.

What did you share with her? Is she right?

Maybe she knows how he really feels, being the girlfriend of his friend.

Sounds like she knows something you don't.

I think that was fair enough of her if you were venting about the relationship - on a topic you’ve mentioned to her before. It wasn’t a completely unilateral comment on your relationship.

If I were you I’d have a good honest think about what she said.

Did any of it resonate with you? Can you see anything in his behaviour that might mean she's right?
If not, it may be she's talking about him from an outdated perspective, as he was in other relationships or before he met you, and he may have changed. But only you can judge that really as they see only the surface.

This may be far-fetched, but could she have an agenda? ie is she a frenemy and wants you out of the picture? Maybe she wants your DP for het friend/sister/herself(?!)?
Take her unsought opinion with a grain of salt.

If you don't want people to comment negatively about your partner/relationship then don't don't go around telling people all the crap that has happened/ is happening in it.
People get sick of hearing peope moan about obviously shitty partners.

I would say she knows he's cheated.

You dont have to do anything right away except value yourself. From now on, notice, every time he is late, sexist, lazy, messy, disrespectful, entitled, flirting with somebody else, notice
AND
Get turned off.

Why did she think that?

So we recently got a new car which we share (we’ve shared a car the whole 4 years we’ve lived together - I WFH and office once a week in London so don’t need to drive to work whereas partner drives to work everyday and will soon be working as a driver hence the new car) and I was moaning how I don’t get much use of the car as my other half is mostly in it and it limits me a bit to where I can go (we do have good public transport here though). I also told her how I’ve been a bit frustrated lately as my partner is very busy and social with friends and hobbies whereas I’m not so busy or popular so spend a lot of time in on my own with not much to do and my friends all settled down or busy with their lives so does get a bit lonely (we’re both in our late 20s). I was just venting my frustrations as I don’t feel I have that many people I can talk to.

She's the girlfriend of his friend. She is probably privy to information that you don't (yet) know about.

Unfortunately I agree.

My best guess is that he's cheated on you, she's found out from her boyfriend, has been sworn to secrecy and is trying to do the right thing by you whilst not causing issues in her own relationship by telling you.

How did it make you feel? Did it make you upset and possibly hit a nerve? Or did it make you upset in the sense of being angry she was upsetting you/overstepping?

very hard to judge from the outside/without context.

either she’s a good friend and is giving you some tough love/advice or she’s got her own agenda/is just way off mark.

what does your gut tell you?

I’m sorry but the first thing that jumped out to me was she’s hearing stuff that he’s has said to her partner. She wants to give you a heads up to stuff you might not be aware of. It’s a really really strong thing to say “oh he’d bin you off” so it makes me think she has heard something that strongly suggests this… I honestly if you really rate the friendship and trust her I would listen to the subtext or get her on her own and just be blunt and say “do you know something I don’t I would honestly just rather know”

I don't know what your AIBU is really....no you're not BU to feel hurt, that's an entirely normal reaction to being told something upsetting. But she hasn't done anything wrong - you specifically asked her if she thought he loved you and she tried to sugarcoat her 'no' (which is basically what he answer is!) and say it as nicely as possible.

You know all parties concerned better than us - personally I would never make comments like that to someone about a friend of mine or get involved in their relationship unless I felt very strongly they needed to know - it sounds very unlikely she would say all that for no reason unless she is a very shit stirring sort of person.

The context you've given about car sharing etc doesn't make any sense for her to draw the conclusions she then started telling you about - I agree it's very likely she knows something and is trying to hint as much as possible.

It doesn’t sound like you’re in a great space m if he’s leaving you alone to be with other people… are you happy?
would you be happy if this is forever how your relationship is? Because people don’t change

I agree

She's trying to tell you something without telling you something.

I would ask her to be completely honest with me, that if she knows something to tell you because otherwise these comments just make you feel shit.

It sounds like she’s trying to look out for you and she knows what your partner says to hers so she wants to let you know without letting you know. Is there any truth in what she says? Do you feel loved and appreciated and wanted in your relationship?

I agree with PP. Sounds like she's trying to tell you something.