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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by these comments about my relationship?

45 replies

Miss90sxo · 03/10/2022 19:54

Hi all, will try to keep this as short as possible. I recently caught up with a friend who I’ve known for the last few years and was introduced to by my other half as she’s the girlfriend of his friend. We’ve always got on well and shared many good times and occasions and became friends apart from our other halves. She’s someone who I felt I could always talk to/support. When we caught up recently she was asking me how things were going with my partner and I and with our new car etc. I did share some things with her which were bothering/upsetting me (which I have told her about before) and she then for the first time expressed her views on my relationship which took me by surprise. She told me that she thinks my partner is taking the P out of me, he’s selfish and won’t change and that if a better opportunity came along then she thinks he would easily drop me and move on. She said that both her and her other half think this. I was really shocked and hurt by this and burst into tears. I asked her on the spot if she thinks my partner loves me and she said she thinks he cares for me and loves me ‘in his own way’ but would easily bin me off. As I said, I’m so shocked and feeling so hurt by this. I’ve been with my partner for over 6 years and we live together so it was hard to hear. I don’t know how to feel about this and think she thinks I should possibly leave him? I’d feel really awkward meeting up in couples now as I feel my relationship is being judged :(

OP posts:

oopsfellover · 04/10/2022 07:45

Well it’s a bit blunt/tactless of her to say all that but maybe reflect and get it into perspective if you can - your relationship IS ultimately your business. Have to say though I feel like this about one of my friends’ partners (25 year relationship)- he treats her quite dismissively and it can be hard to see. I think I might have dropped a few things out in conversation!

oopsfellover · 04/10/2022 07:48

I also think when you asked her if she thought your partner loved you, you were making yourself a bit vulnerable. Were you prepared for any reaction other than ‘yes’? I’d find that a very uncomfortable question to be asked.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/10/2022 08:01

I don't think that it necessarily means that your partner has been talking to her partner about your relationship, it could just be that your friend and her partner have been talking about your relationship, and because you do things differently to them (such as share a car, spend more time apart) they've concluded that you don't have a great relationship.

Having said that, if you're not happy with spending so much time apart, maybe it's not the right relationship for you? Only you know really. But yeah, awkward as hell when you meet up for the first time after her saying that.

Vapeyvapevape · 04/10/2022 08:07

I'd ask her what she knows , she's trying to tell you something.

JudyGemstone · 04/10/2022 08:10

Re the car share, you explained why it made sense as you use it so infrequently, wfh etc but then suggest to her you’re not happy with it. Does it feel like you should be paying a smaller share as you use or a lot less? Does he put fuel in it? Maybe you should speak to your boyfriend if you’re unhappy with the arrangement rather than saying nothing to him and offloading to others?

Honestly, do you feel loved and cherished in this relationship? Do you feel like a priority and are you happy?

because if so that’s great, but if you can see what she means and feel like a bit of an afterthought or placeholder, then you probably are.

some men do have live in partners more due to convenience and lifestyle than love and genuine commitment. Must have been painful to hear, but maybe something that’s helpful to reflect on?

Blowthemandown · 04/10/2022 08:33

@Miss90sxo why aren’t you going to places with partner? You shouldn’t end up stuck indoors. Aren’t you included in arrangements?

Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 08:44

I think you have to be very careful venting to people as if you only tell them the bad stuff then they’re of course going to paint a picture of a bad person.

If you told me you paid half of a car that you never get to use and barely see your partner because he’s out with his mates whilst you are home alone - then I’d be a bit concerned for you too.

Do you both pay equally for bills etc?
Do you go out and do things as a couple?

billy1966 · 04/10/2022 09:24

Also sounds to me like she is trying to give you a heads up.

He sounds a bit selfish and happy to do his own thing a lot.

I think you need to reflect and as @J0y suggests take a close look at him.

In your place I would be quietly organising myself.

Are you in effect paying for a car you don't use?

If so you are being used by him.

If this woman is a genuine nice person, I would NOT dismiss what she has said.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/10/2022 09:43

Totalityloss · 03/10/2022 20:09

You are lucky to have an honest friend.

How do you know she's honest? She could be nothing more than a shit-stirrer.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2022 09:47

You really, really need to listen to your friend. Ignore at your own peril.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 04/10/2022 09:50

I think it's very odd to ask someone if your partner of 6 years loves you if you are secure/ happy in the relationship.

I would calm down and take stock and try have a really hard think about whether you are so hurt about this becuase it rings true.

SallyWD · 04/10/2022 09:54

The key thing is do you believe her? She could be speaking the truth (or the truth as she sees it) or she could perhaps be a jealous, bitter person who envies you. What is the issue in your relationship that you told her upsets you? I'd use this as an opportunity to really assess your relationship - is it a healthy relationship, do you have a future together, does your partner truly value you etc. Six years is a long time to be with someone if he's just stringing you along.

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 09:57

namechangedembarrassing · 03/10/2022 20:37

I’m sorry but the first thing that jumped out to me was she’s hearing stuff that he’s has said to her partner. She wants to give you a heads up to stuff you might not be aware of. It’s a really really strong thing to say “oh he’d bin you off” so it makes me think she has heard something that strongly suggests this… I honestly if you really rate the friendship and trust her I would listen to the subtext or get her on her own and just be blunt and say “do you know something I don’t I would honestly just rather know”

This is exactly what I thought.

Shes trying to warn you that he is no good. She knows something, but has either been sworn to secreacy (and doesn't want to wreck her own realtionship) or she doesn't want to be the 'messenger that gets shot'.
Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind, and I think this is what she is trying to do.

hugefanofcheese · 04/10/2022 09:58

Hmm. If she's a good and trusted friend then she's seeing something you're not. Doesn't necessarily have to be something like an affair, but it could be that he is dismissive of you, is more engaged in his hobbies and friendships and other people than you, and has stopped 'noticing' you if that makes sense. It's very hard to see a friend not valued by their partner, even if that partner is not an abuser, cheat, etc. Could be that he regularly looks at other women more than would be normal, for instance and appears to have a foot out of the door. I would reflect on what she's said, and ask her to give you the unvarnished truth.

devildeepbluesea · 04/10/2022 09:59

Leaving you on your own all the time
Getting you to fork out for a car you barely ever use.

listen to her. She’s trying to do you a favour.

strawberry2017 · 04/10/2022 10:13

Bluntness might not have been the right way but she's clearly looking out for you and if his own friend has concerns I think you should be listening.

malificent7 · 04/10/2022 10:18

I think if she was trying to tell you something, she could at least be more direct. What's with all this cryptic bollocks? Don't jump the gun yet...some love to find chinks in our armour.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/10/2022 11:07

What do you mean - doesn't want to be the messenger, @Bookworm20 ?
She delivered her message loud & clear. Couldn't really have been more brutal, could she?

OP - you need to stop worrying what you friend thinks of your relationship, & start thinking what YOU think of it.
It doesn't sound as if you are at all happy. Your partner doesn't give you the time & attention you want, & see happening in other relationships.

Why not talk to him? Tell him you feel undervalued, & see if he steps up.
If he does step up - great.
If he doesn't ... well, pretending you don't feel undervalued won't make him start being the partner you want. So if he continues as before, you'll need to bite that bullet, & make yourself free to be with a man who cherishes you & wants to spend time with you.

LeandraDear · 04/10/2022 11:11

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 20:12

Sounds like she knows something you don't.

I would 100% agree with this.

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 11:21

What do you mean - doesn't want to be the messenger,

I just mean we hear so often that someone tells their friend or someone they know that their partner is cheating and then they get the blame. So the messenger gets shot.

So she isn't delivering a direct message. She isn't saying, Look OP, my bf has told me that your bf is cheating on you. Because she doesn't want OP to get angry with her, not believe her, and cut her off.

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