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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A Christmas one - aibu about money spent?

41 replies

NotChristmasyet · 03/10/2022 16:54

I know it's a bit early for Christmas so feel free to scroll on by.

Every year I feel the same annoyance about the money we have to spend on extended family.

Although we're not on the bones of our arse we do have to be careful with money and we can't in all honesty afford Christmas without using savings or chucking it on a credit card and paying for it all until March. We can afford to buy our dc presents and get a good food shop in but every year we spend maybe £500 on gifts for extended family. Mainly dhs side of the family.

I keep suggesting to dh that maybe we could cut down the amount or just buy for the dc but he doesn't want to.

His argument is that whatever we spend, we get back. However this isn't true. Each year certain people in dhs family send us a specific list of what they want or even buy the presents themselves and send us the bill.

They ask is what we all want, then get something completely different. Clothes they don't fit, vouchers for a different shop than was mentioned.

Perfect example, last year I asked for a cosmetic item. It wasn't expensive, I sent a link to a website that was not only free delivery but also had a big discount code. Instead I got a completely different item that wasn't suitable.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 03/10/2022 16:59

I'd 100% be telling them that this year (and forever) you are only getting presents for your own children.

Perhaps suggest Secret Santa fir all the adults in extended family, but I wouldn't bother.

Tell them that instead you are making a donation to charity.

Unless your DH is the one who actually buys the gifts he can stfu

Original poster
NotChristmasyet · 03/10/2022 17:05

Dh won't have it. He knows that we can't afford it because all year round all he talks about is money. Every year he says next year we will cut back, but when the time to start thinking about the budget he won't do it.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/10/2022 17:09

We changed to a secret Santa type arrangement last year for DHs extended family. To be fair someone else organised it.

Much less stressful all round and so much better than everyone needlessly buying gifts of a set amount like before.

DS 16 doesn't like it - although as he is under 18 he isn't included and still gets gifts - but that's because his main aim in life appears to be getting us to spend as much money as possible.

KangarooKenny · 03/10/2022 17:09

I have the same, I buy one present for my side, and he spends stupid on his side. I’ve decided that he brings in money, so he should be able to spend it, he doesn’t ask what I spend.
It doesn’t stop me being irritated every year though !

BeanyBops · 03/10/2022 17:09

Then that doesn't leave you many options, unless you're after ways to convince him? Come up with a business case for reasons not to buy, using past expenses and presents received against financial pressures this year to illustrate your case?

If he's dead against cutting back can you agree a reduced budget?

Or you step back from the whole thing and let him do all the planning, shopping for his family etc and see if that hits differently when the inequalities become obvious to him.

Ohdearwhatabother · 03/10/2022 17:11

I'd simply say "okay that's fine but whatever you spend on your family that's coming out of YOUR money so it's paid back faster. I'm not paying for something I can't afford."

MissyB1 · 03/10/2022 17:13

Would he be angry if you contacted his family and suggested a secret Santa arrangement?

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 17:27

My family and I have decided we’re only buying for children and we’ve done it for a couple of years now which has worked out really well.

We do a secret Santa with a set amount of money and the person who gets the best present wins a small prize.

It’s actually really fun!

If DH is refusing to do it then I’m not sure what else you can do.

Maybe start buying DCs presents asap and then let him find the money for the rest.

Mooloolabababy · 03/10/2022 17:27

Can you deviate from their list like they do with yours and spend less?

Greydogs123 · 03/10/2022 17:28

If you are the one doing all the buying, then tell Dh it’s now his responsibility to get everyone’s presents on his side. You could buy the kids, If you don’t want them to miss out.
If he is buying, then make sure it is out of his own spends, not family money. Maybe when he is physically inconvenienced, he’ll have the conversation about just buying for kids.

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 03/10/2022 17:31

Who buys the presents, him or you? If you normally buy them then I would just not bother and I’ll bet he wouldn't get the gifts. I’m going to be telling extended family not to exchange presents. A lot of the times they buy toot and I have too much stuff.

declutteringmymind · 03/10/2022 17:40

Tell him he's in charge of his side's presents and for paying for it.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 03/10/2022 17:42

How does the work? The buying and budgeting? If you, then tell him you aren't having anything to do with it.

How do you split your finances? If they are even remotely split (own spending money or savings of whatever) I'd say that he can pay for his family's presents out of his own money.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 03/10/2022 17:43

who*

YumYummy · 03/10/2022 17:46

Can you suggest to your DH that he uses his own personal money to buy his side of the family presents and you ask him to tell them all you don’t want any presents?
Don’t get involved in the gift buying, using your head space to think of what to buy or wrap any of the presents.

Wife2018 · 03/10/2022 17:47

This doesn't sound like a money problem it sounds like a husband problem.

Sure there is a money problem but you've solved that. What you can't solve is your DH spending money you don't have. Make it clear the money comes from his bank account alone, that it does not affect your or your DC.

Even better if he usually leaves it to you to buy presents just don't do it.

Tillyboo123 · 03/10/2022 17:50

I had this with my other half's family who are very well off. Laughed at me when I suggested buying kids only. So I bought them all a Christian aid gift of some chickens for someone in asia, send a child to school in Africa etc.The following year THEY decided only buying for kids. Job done

AperolWhore · 03/10/2022 17:50

Just do it for him. Text his family that you are only buying for the kids this year and would appreciate it if people can only buy for yours, thank them for understanding and say you are looking forward to sharing a drink with them over the Christmas period…or something along those lines.

BMW6 · 03/10/2022 17:53

Well if he insists then HE gets all their gifts from HIS money

phishy · 03/10/2022 17:58

Just step back from it completely. Don’t help with choosing/buying presents and don’t send any links to family. And tell DH he has to spend his own money.

Disengage.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/10/2022 18:00

Secret Santa is good fun as everyone gets a decent present and you can all have a get together where you exchange presents, have some drinks/ bites. Nice get together if you are not all together over Christmas. Set a budget though..eg 50 .
We only buy for children under 21 and that's the end of birthday presents too.

AriettyHomily · 03/10/2022 18:04

I don't understand why adults need to send links to gifts, just buy it yourself and be fine with it.

We sacked off adult gifts years ago, so much easier. We do a secret Santa for whoever is together actually on Christmas Day, £50 budget so get something decent and no one sends anyone links.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/10/2022 18:06

Finances should be a joint decision, one person shouldn’t be able to unilaterally impose a cost - it should be budgeted for and agreed. Do you have other issues with finances/spending between the two of you? As with other PP, we do secret Santa across both our families (for the adults). Everyone is mindful of the costs and most would be happy not getting presents and just spending time together instead. His family seem rude, unreasonable and demanding and in the same situation I wouldn’t do it. I’d explain to everyone and say we’re stopping presents for adults and expect nothing in return. If DH doesn’t agree, he’s just as much of a problem as his family and he needs to save and shop himself. I wouldn’t lift a finger, but I’d still be furious!! 😆

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 03/10/2022 18:08

Blimey how many of them are there to warrant £500? Set a £20 budget max per person and look for 3for2 and BOGOF deals and unless there’s more than 25 of them you’ll save something.

Umbrellabee · 03/10/2022 18:14

I agree with everyone else here. Secret Santa or he does it all out of his own savings. I would not be buying them a single present. We used to do a couple secret santa and the budget was £100 so you could have a joint gift with your OH for £100 or you could choose to split it and have £50 each. We wrote a couple of ideas on the name slip we put in the. Worked really well and you got a decent gift out of it. Now there are a million kids so we only buy for them!