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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A Christmas one - aibu about money spent?

41 replies

NotChristmasyet · 03/10/2022 16:54

I know it's a bit early for Christmas so feel free to scroll on by.

Every year I feel the same annoyance about the money we have to spend on extended family.

Although we're not on the bones of our arse we do have to be careful with money and we can't in all honesty afford Christmas without using savings or chucking it on a credit card and paying for it all until March. We can afford to buy our dc presents and get a good food shop in but every year we spend maybe £500 on gifts for extended family. Mainly dhs side of the family.

I keep suggesting to dh that maybe we could cut down the amount or just buy for the dc but he doesn't want to.

His argument is that whatever we spend, we get back. However this isn't true. Each year certain people in dhs family send us a specific list of what they want or even buy the presents themselves and send us the bill.

They ask is what we all want, then get something completely different. Clothes they don't fit, vouchers for a different shop than was mentioned.

Perfect example, last year I asked for a cosmetic item. It wasn't expensive, I sent a link to a website that was not only free delivery but also had a big discount code. Instead I got a completely different item that wasn't suitable.

OP posts:

HollyJollyXmas57 · 03/10/2022 18:27

Do what they do and don’t buy them what they ask for.

Buy something cheaper.

Original poster

NotChristmasyet · 03/10/2022 18:43

I probably do end up doing most of the running around for presents although we do shop together too but I end up collecting parcels because dh works longer hours.

The whole £500 isn't entirely on his family but the bulk of it is whereas I will keep the budget lower buy perhaps buying a joint present for couples, or just a token gift for adults. He buys each member of his family a proper £50 and we just can't afford it.

Dh compares buying one of our dc a winter coat to buying his mum a bottle of perfume.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 03/10/2022 19:03

So what did he say when you got an unsuitable thing last year? Can't you buy something and send them the bill?

hattie43 · 03/10/2022 19:05

I think the cost of living issues faced by everyone are a perfect excuse to suggest you do things differently this year . You may find his family jump at the idea . You could also say it's just this year because of rising costs to soften the blow . Next year you've set the agenda

MotherOfPuffling · 03/10/2022 19:09

Do to them what they do to you. Give them things they didn’t ask for, ignore their requests, refuse to pay for things they buy themselves. Buy what you want to give them at the price you want and feel able to spend. A gift given with love doesn’t have to be expensive. And nor does one given in exasperation!

properdoughnut · 03/10/2022 19:12

We buy presents for our own side of the family out of our personal spending account. Much fairer, he's got loads of nephews etc and my family is much smaller

wackamole · 03/10/2022 19:24

His argument is that whatever we spend, we get back. Can't he see that this is NOT the case, if not on his own then when you point it out? If his family buy things and send you the bill, doing the same might be a solution which would at least let you break even as your husband seems to think happens. It seems ridiculous, but if it's become his family tradition he may not have the courage to be the one to speak up or change or break it.

"Giving to get back" isn't really a great philosophy, though, nor in the spirit of Christmas. It would be much easier for everyone not to spend, except on children. This is an extreme example, but one of my coworkers, with her husband, buys a gift card from a chain shop for each set of their "couple friends". They get back gift cards in the same amount from each couple but other for shops. It's the same shops every year. Why not spend your own cash and give each other homemade cards?

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 19:24

I’m sure no-one wants any family member getting into debt for a Christmas gift. I really want to suggest a secret Santa this year for adults in my family. It’s not the cost as such but the hassle in trying to find interesting gifts year after year.

Pollytiffin · 04/10/2022 09:09

AriettyHomily · 03/10/2022 18:04

I don't understand why adults need to send links to gifts, just buy it yourself and be fine with it.

We sacked off adult gifts years ago, so much easier. We do a secret Santa for whoever is together actually on Christmas Day, £50 budget so get something decent and no one sends anyone links.

This. Is it just me or is thought of adult Christmas lists and links for their own gifts not really really cringey, childish and entitled?!

Especially when it comes to in-laws buying for in-laws or extended family.

Parents and their own adult DC fine but frankly scrapping adult present buying was the best thing we ever did years ago. So much less stressful all round.

I'd leave your DH to it and stay out of it! Glad my DH is in complete agreement with me!

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 04/10/2022 09:26

Tell him he can do all the shopping for his side on his own. He collects parcels too, you aren't. He won't do it then.

Bookworm20 · 04/10/2022 09:50

Each year certain people in dhs family send us a specific list of what they want or even buy the presents themselves and send us the bill.

I find this really odd when adults do this. It just feels really grabby. We only buy for family dc now and perhaps a token box of chocs or bottle of something for adults if we are seeing them. It all gets a bit much and takes away from the enjoyment of christmas.

If I were you, if you do the majority of the shopping, just say to dp we need to rein it in this year., So we cut back on buying for our own dc or cut back on the adults in the extended family. Ask him what he would prefer. Surely he wouldn't say cut back on the dc. And then, just buy a token gift, something you think they may enjoy. And don't send lists to any of them, pre-empt it by just saying you'd only like a token gift if they really want to buy you something as you are going to have to cut back on your spending this year.

You might even find that some of the extended family might be releived at this and just didn't want to be the ones to bring it up.

Bestcatmum · 20/11/2022 17:28

It's bloody stupid op. Just insist it stops. Xmas is for kids only. I refuse to buy gifts for adults and have to done for years.

Puddywoodycat · 20/11/2022 17:57

It's really sweet that he wants to treat them.
Are they hard up? Younger? Different budgets?

Can't he just whittle it down to young and old?

I must admit we save each month for Xmas and use that money and We've whittled right down for other relatives.
I'd be very unhappy putting expensive gift's on a cx to pay off until march.

Also I find this tit for tat really sucks the joy out of thing's. ..we should surely give not to receive?

I think you need to get finances in order and the crisis we are all facing this year should help get that conversation going.

RandomPerson42 · 20/11/2022 19:24

Your husband is crazy.

Buy decent presents for kids. For adults buy a bottle of wine for each couple (or single).

Possibly a small present for parents - no what they want but what you want to buy, say a toiletry giftset or something.

Beautiful3 · 23/11/2022 14:38

Honestly, your mum sounds like hard work. You'll never win and she'll never be happy with you. I personally would remove myself from that toxic situation by saying," no Xmas presents all round, it's about the presence not presents." It's a win win, you won't have to buy pressies for them, and vice versa. If they do see your children's pile of Xmas gifts, just say they're from other people. It's the only way.

Scrumbleton · 23/11/2022 14:48

This year I've proposed we don't buy for extended family given the issues with the economy. It's a relief

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