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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he would text me..?

34 replies

duckybackflips · 03/10/2022 12:29

I've been seeing someone for almost a year. We pretty much message all the time. But when he's with his friends contact just completely stops? He went for a weekend with them and I didn't hear from him from 1pm Saturday until 9am Sunday.
I don't expect him to message all the time but is it OTT to have expected either a "having a good night" or an "im back safe" ?

OP posts:
Grandeur · 03/10/2022 12:33

Bit high maintenance

bloodywhitecat · 03/10/2022 12:33

I think what he's doing is completely normal but if it worries you have you spoken to him about it?

MRSE20 · 03/10/2022 12:36

I disagree with the above
I do not think you’re high maintenance or unreasonable for expecting a text that he’s back safe and about to go to sleep for example
I would say that you were a bit high maintenance if you expected multiple texts whilst he is out
Me and DH are a bit like this, we hardly text when we are out and about with friends but will usually send a quick text before we are about to go to sleep (if we are staying else where for the night) or if I’m about to leave my friends or restaurant to say I’m on my way home

HangryFeminist · 03/10/2022 12:41

I think it’s a bit high maintenance not being able to go 18 hours without a message, when he’s out and busy and probably having a few drinks and losing track of time a bit.

If he kept you dangling the rest of the time I’d be concerned but it sounds like he’s just having a good time, giving his friends attention without being stuck in his phone.

The flip side of this is that if you want constant messaging and he’s not giving it, this might be the wrong relationship for you and someone else out there is better suited for you.

I’d personally have a hard time getting upset about this if everything else about the relationship was great.

HannaHanna · 03/10/2022 12:42

Suffocating

SummerInSun · 03/10/2022 12:50

Another vote for you are being way too clingy. Also, very bad manners for him to be messaging you if he's with other people.

Original poster
duckybackflips · 03/10/2022 12:55

I brought it up and just got a sarcastic answer of next time he goes out he'll message a lot.
I said that's not what I'm asking, but I thought once he got into bed at his friends house or wherever he was staying a quick "in bed now" once everyone else was in bed wouldn't have taken much. I would have done but maybe I'm the one who's rude and texts while I'm with my friends x

OP posts:
ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/10/2022 13:05

This would drive me insane.

If I'm going away with friends for the weekend my DP knows where I am. I am enjoying myself with friends. I can catch up when him when I'm back.

You can't micromanage people. It drives them away.

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 13:05

There is totally no need to text in bed now. He isn't 8 year old on sleep over.
It's absolutely fine not to text even for couple of days when someone is doing something different like being away with mates.

It could be nice to text "having fun, hope you are too" or something but not mandatory. If dh wanted me to text when I go to bed I would think he is being bit weirdo

HuntingoftheSnark · 03/10/2022 13:07

Sorry OP but I too think it's a bit suffocating. If I'm out, I'm out. The gap you describe isn't exactly a long one. He was having a good time and shouldn't have to check in with you.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 13:08

Why would you want to know he’s in bed now? If I’m away with friends I’m away, I wouldn’t text and wouldn’t expect a text unless something happened that I needed to know about. If he’s in regular contact the rest of the time I’d not worry about him having a night off.

villamariavintrapp · 03/10/2022 13:11

Yeh way too suffocating. You heard from him Saturday afternoon, knew he was out with friends, and expected to hear from him again before 9am on Sunday, very OTT.

PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 13:12

That's not even a gap of 24hrs!

No I wouldn't expect a text.

Thegreenballoon · 03/10/2022 13:16

You sound attention seeking and suffocating - I cannot imagine expecting my DH when he’s away to text to tell me he’s in bed. What am I actually going to do with that information? If he’s away then I’m generally getting on with stuff and happily not thinking too much about him to be honest.

I expect him to be in touch if he has something to actually say (or to check on me if for example I’m not well/had an exam/a kid is in hospital) but otherwise we’ll talk when he gets back. I don’t want inane updates on his activities and I think it’s healthy that he has time when he’s not thinking about me.

catandcoffee · 03/10/2022 13:27

You're being very unreasonable. This reminds me of being a teenager and having to let parents know your every move.

girlmom21 · 03/10/2022 13:29

He was probably drunk, tired and having a good time with his friends. You can go 24 hours without speaking to someone.

girlfriend44 · 03/10/2022 13:42

some people are natural texters etc some arent.

He obvs isnt?

DottyLittleRainbow · 03/10/2022 13:47

YABU sorry.

Foxinmygarden · 03/10/2022 13:54

Am not sure I text my DH that often when I'm away and we have 2 DC.

ffsnotagainandagain · 03/10/2022 14:08

Yea YABU

Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 14:29

I'm in the minority then it seems. I'm same as you OP. Wouldn't expect lots of texts but after a year together one quick, had a great night, see you tmorrow or even just a got here safe i'll let you know when I'm back tomorrow text would take seconds.
Its not suffocating to expect that. I'd text dp if I went away to see friends, just so he knew I was ok and had arrived/got home safe. And he'd do the same.

I wouldn't describe either of us as suffocating/controlling/over the top. We just would let each other know all is ok. Literally seconds out of the day to reassure your loved one you arent dead in a ditch somewhere.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 14:35

Yep you are unreasonable. He's out with friends and he isn't your child. It was less than 24 hours without a text, do you not have anything to keep you occupied?!

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 14:36

Literally seconds out of the day to reassure your loved one you arent dead in a ditch somewhere.

We go with "would be notified by now by police so it's ok"😂

Cw112 · 03/10/2022 14:38

I personally think it's really rude to be texting someone when you're spending time with someone else so when I'm on a girls night I'm not texting dh unless it's about a lift home and I don't expect him to be texting me unless he needs a lift either. I trust him and vice versa so there's no need. But equally if he's out on a night out I wouldn't be sitting in moping, I'd plan my evening- watch my fave shows that he hates, so my tan and nails and maybe facetime one of my friends. So it sounds like you either don't trust him (which I would say is fair if he's given you reason not to in the past) or you're feeling a bit lonely when he's out by himself in which case you need to address that yourself it's not his problem to solve. There's nothing wrong with a goodnight text, they're lovely to get but I wouldn't expect one is the difference?

Anonymous48 · 03/10/2022 14:46

You knew he was away for a weekend with his friends and you heard from him at 1pm on the Saturday and again at 9am on the Sunday? Yet that's not enough apparently?

Why would he need to text you to tell you he was now in bed?

I couldn't imagine being in the kind of relationship where this was expected. It would make me crazy if I was away on a girls weekend when my husband knew where I was and when I was expected home, to have to remember to text him every couple of hours just to check in. Likewise, when my husband is away I don't expect to hear from him unless there's been a change of plans or an issue with one of the kids, for example. That's not to say that we definitely wouldn't call or text each other - just that it's not expected.