I lost a near 90 kgs and I have never felt lighter;-)

[AdifferentGoat]

Pardon the awful subject line but I'm feeling a little bit festive ( I even bought tiny crinkly cocktail umbrellas). My divorce is finally coming through. Those of you who may (shockingly) remember my posts will know how I joined Mumsnet assuming it was normal to be married to a man who considered jogging at midnight while answering "vital" work questions normal. I didn't even bat a lid when he asked I "run" his social media and "share" his "tale" with the world.

I was married to a narcissist but the worst kind as I "knew" him and this couldn't "be him".

Sadly it was. He's still an asshole. But thankfully he's going to be someone else's problem as I and my little DD are rid of him. Custody wise, he is supposed to have her every other weekend so let's see how that pans out. Of course I want my little girl to have a strong relationship with her father and considering how much he battled me and my "mental health status" , I'd have hoped he wanted it too. Unfortunately he had a "urgent work appointment" and couldn't have her this weekend.

F**ker. We will be well without him.

I wanted to thank everyone here for giving me the strength to see and understand that I was married to a buffoon. No more. I am so happy to be free. I may not be in the financial position I once was but walking into my OWN little apartment and seeing my DD play in OUR little living room.. there are no words. I'm finally free. Sorry for how cheesy all this sounds but if you know anything about thinking you could never survive without someone, you will know why this is such a momentous thing for me.

Just wanted to share.

I am living my best provincial life. I late-night ordered a mattress topper (I wish it were our previous gardener but....life is about sacrifices haha). I will look into this book, it would be wrong not to. Thank you so much. Oh, not only am I provincial but my ExDH let me know I am 'simple' and 'incapable of recognizing hard word'...alright there sir! I work full time and am still a full on mummy where I can be. He holds my days of not working + postpartum depression against me. There was a time I'd have apologized for that but no more. I cannot forego how hard it must be with someone depressed but reading these posts made me realize that partners actually support one another. I had always been there for him. Always. If he called me, say even something like 3 am, I'd somehow just know it was him and I'd pick up and do my sorry dance of trying to love a man into loving you, simply because you were too in love to actually understand he was over it while you were still boiling over him.

He has NEVER been there when I emotionally needed him. Not once. I am not saying I am a saint (clearly not) and no one forced me to devote myself to him but I did and well here we are. I sincerely believed we had one of those 'love stories' but for so so so so long, it was based on me lying to myself and forcing him into a role that was never him to begin with - loving me.

It is so rough to 'understand' this , even as I live it. But all the love I saw and felt, it wasn't really love. I am sure to a degree he cared about me but I could have been anyone with the same 'criteria'. It's so hurtful to know this but it is reality and I'm no longer running away from the things I don't want to hear.

Sorry this post that started out so lighthearted became a kind of graveyard of emotions! Can I blame my ex and his social media??

Oh wow, I have name changed since but contributed to your original thread.

I must admit that I did have a chuckle at the size of his ego expecting you to share his brilliance with the world but I was horrified at the same time. I am so glad that you have managed to get out and sorry that your daughter has an utter bellend for a father!

The grace and humour with which you talked about you situation leaves me in no doubt that whatever he does, you will do your best to minimise the damage for your DD. Wishing you the best of luck and congratulations on your new start 🥂

You're right @SavoirFlair 'we shouldn’t have to wait until we’re single to have a sense of self or individuality.'

But, unfortunately, sometimes the people we are with don't give us/allow us to have a sense of self. Sometimes the control is so strong but so subtle that, until we're out of the relationship, we don't always see we were controlled. Other times, like in my case, you know there's control but you can't see anyway out of it - just trying to keep them stable takes up all your time.

Becoming single is like a reset button. It's like removing blindfolds and seeing what others have seen.

And that's why @AdifferentGoat I say well done! As others have said, you may well have wobbles. But nothing beats the feeling of knowing that your home is your sanctuary, that no-one else can take that away and that you don't have to walk on eggshells in your own home. That wonderful feeling of lightness is hard to beat. Enjoy it.

Sounds like you're both finally free - congrats!

How fantastic! Congratulations, you'll give hope and inspiration to so many others reading this thread.
I'm delighted for you 👏👏👏

Congratulations OP, you sound like a total boss.

What a marvellous update!

All the very best to you both!

I re-read your words several times as it hit a strong cord. In 'retrospect', I should have known better but see, just as you outlined, I didn't even know that was possible. My entire identity was based on him. He didn't force me into it but he didn't make it easier either. When your reality is consistently challenged and you have enough insecurities to really 'fuel' things up, it's really hard.

My leaving him is a shock to my system. Even now as I type, I get a flurry of ' did I make a mistake'...It is not a an answer or frame of mind I'd link to a strong independent woman but that who I was and still am, to a degree.

Every day is about learning to 'see' my reality and learn to trust that what I think correlates with what I say. For years on end, someone abused my trust and shifted the goal posts and made me feel I would be nothing without him. Okay, sure, he didn't 'force' it but I still went on along with it as I could not wrap my mind around loving someone and not wanting the best for them.

It is an insane life lesson for me. I spent a near decade with a man who (when it boils down to it), doesn't even know I knit!! I know that is a stupid thing to hang myself on but I'd been knitting for ages and he still has no idea how good at knitting I am. Even I underestimated my abilities until my child's nursery teacher asked if I'd be okay to knit ' sweaters' for the others dolls haha.

He just didn't know me and he never did.

Thank you @LondonJax 💐

Thank you so much. I really hope I offer some kind of lifeline to women like myself. If you see my history, my initial posts were rather tragic haha! But I want other women stuck in a situation as I assumed myself to be, to know, there is an OUT. Yes, it takes many sleepless nights and work around the clock and this and that but you can get out. I left a 'golden' life, I suppose I could have just stayed and collected lovers haha but that isn't who I want to be nor who I want my DD to see. Just because I am miserable, it doesn't grant me the right to drag others into my pit of misery (dramatic enough haha).

If there is anything I'd want someone to know, it is, there is hope. You can GET OUT. And it's okay if your heart keeps breaking, it is not your fault if you loved too much and maybe unhealthily so. But you can escape it. There are (naturally) no guarantees in life, but how lovely it is to know I am accountable to myself after years of feeling like I was an extension of him. Again, I cannot blame him. I chose it. But with all that said, I made the choice to choose myself. Again, no clue what future holds but I could not survive another day in the 'golden' cage. Provincial life is bliss.

Wonderful update.

So pleased for you.

You have been so brave and have achieved your goal of a peaceful space for yourself and your daughter.

Keep a detailed note of when and for how long he sees her and how often he fails to see her as agreed.

You never know when this may be of use in the future.

Wishing you continued success.

Thank you for your incredibly kind words. I am trying really hard to 'fill the gaps' left by my exH....Who fought me for full custody. Ultimately, it was all about punishing me re leaving him. But I do not want DD to be collateral damage. I want to support his relationship with our DD but he fails to live up to current arrangement as he is 'too busy', well then we need to re-consider the arrangement.

Anyways, no one can solve anything overnight. For now it is enough I am out and my DD is a happy little girl. I will take it day by day. Thank you again for your wonderful words 🌺

Oh god just the memory of him and his social brand made me cringe on your behalf!

awesome, well done! Congratulations on your freedom and twat-free future

It's really sad that our media is full of stories of women 'loving a man into submission'- teaching him how to be loving by her example, and turning a wrong 'un right by the power of her love.

Ditto those films and books about men's persistence winning women over. It feeds into creepy stalky behaviour and the refusal to believe a woman's no.

Well done for walking out of the fog, Goat!

I remember your previous thread. So glad you are shot of this utter bellend.

Congrats !!