dp does everything for his grown up dc's but wont sort our house out

[Cheeseandlobster]

Dp has 3 dc's. All grown up and with their own homes. One of them rents a home which belongs to his ex wife.

He runs all over the place for them. Fetching them groceries when they have cars of their own and maintaining their houses. Which should be lovely but he spends so much time doing their homes that he won't sort ours out. He has dumped loads of crap in our garden - bits of wood and rubble. He has promised me he will take it away in his van for months as he has a tip licence yet its still there and I have to do an obstacle course just to get the washing out. He accidentally broke one of the bedroom doors and it is now hanging off. I don't know when this will be fixed. I have just found out that while I was at a friend's house overnight this weekend he spent the whole day Saturday and some of Sunday cutting down trees and moving the lawn at his eldest daughters home which is the one owned by his ex wife and her new husband. Surely they should be doing this?

So now as I looked over our horrible rubble strewn garden and see his daughters beautiful garden on Facebook, I just want to cry. He knows how I feel and how having a cluttered house affects my mental health. He has told me not to do the garden myself as some bits of the shite he wants to keep. God knows what.

I am not being unreasonable am I to want him to sometimes prioritise our home?

No that would piss me off too, can you set aside a weekend agree no other plans to blitz the garden of all the rubbish and get things sorted?

I hate having a load of clutter all over the place too.

If he won’t agree give a deadline and say you’ll get a rubbish removal service in to clear it all, and he’s paying. Normally I’d say in your shoes I’d do it myself but why bother when it’s not your rubbish.

No of course not, they can fetch their own groceries etc. helping out with bigger things is always a nice thing to do, but he needs to do things in your own house. Are you offering to share the work though or expecting him to do all the garden etc. by himself?
have you talked to him? It sounds like everyone is demanding stuff from him. You need to talk to him about it and set some time down where you both work on fixing this issues in your own house. And then maybe he should take a weekend off to relax

I have tried this. He does a hobby a lot of weekends and the others something more urgent to do with his job often crops up. I am a seething ball of anger now. I have reasoned, explained, offered to help, shouted and cried over this. He promises then does fuck all. I am turning into a miserable nag over this

Talk to your kids - ask them to help shift the rubbish, after all DH has helped them so why can't they help you?

Are they asking him to do this or is he just doing it as a way to spend time with them? I have relative who would do this e.g. instead of going round for a coffee, would just nip round to do their gutters etc

Yes he does have a lot going on but he also does his hobby a lot too. I have offered to help but he wants to do it. Its his crap and he wants to keep some. I don't know why as it is all literally rubbish. I just think he needs to say no to them sometimes. They can fetch their own groceries and mow their own lawns. They are grown ups. The time he spends doing these things he could spend on our house

This would drive me absolutely insane. No advice because he doesn’t care what you think or need and I don’t know you make him. But he doesn’t seem to have much use so I sympathise.

What do you think you’ll do?

A lot of men start doing lots for their kids after a divorce as they are so anxious not to lose goodwill if they are not the resident parent. This can continue way past what's necessary. Doing this work for his dc is not an issue but he is neglected his own home. Could you say to him that he has the month of October to clear the rubble or you are hiring someone to do it and stick to that. Don't get into what he is doing for his kids as its understandable that he enjoys helping them just be matter of fact about his own mess.

I think it's a bit of both. They often say "Can I borrow the lawn mower" knowing full well he will just do it. Or can you get some milk and diet coke knowing he will do it. Yet none of them got him a birthday card 2 weeks ago despite one of them working literally next to a card shop. I think he does too much for them at the expense of our home

Pay to have the garden cleared (or do it yourself). Don’t listen to his “I want to keep bits of it”. He is not listening to you. Maybe he will learn something, maybe not but at least the shit would be sorted out.

Yes this is probably true re the divorced non resident parent. It definitely started with this when they were smaller. It's not helping his dc's out that bothers me. It's the doing things they are capable of doing themselves at the expense of our home which quite frankly is shit compared to theirs. I just want the clutter gone

Start paying for things to be done if he moans say well how long was I supposed to wait?

Do you have kids together?

He's going around doing all these things plus a lot of time with a hobby. When does he spend time with you? Does he do his 50% around the house with cooking, cleaning, groceries, etc.?

I would make the point that having all that rubbish is a fire hazard, attracts vermin and snakes.

If he still leaves it, hire someone to clean it up, remove it and he pays for it.

Hire someone to do the jobs he promised to do, let him know the date and he can choose to make good on his promises or not. There has to consequences for his broken promises, or he won’t be motivated to change.

I would hire someone in and get all the jobs and garden done how you want it (at his expense)

He needs to realise how badly he's treating you, his kids are taking the mick, they sound lazy tbh and he's allowing them to walk all over him.

This isn't a way I could live, you sound so down about all of this and it's no surprise really as you say your house and garden is in a bad state of repair.

He needs to wake up and smell the coffee and realise what a dick he's being.

Book someone in for a month time, say, 1st Nov, to do the work and tell your husband that’s what you’ve done.

When he said he wants to do it, tell him that you can cancel up to 24th October. Anything he wants to do himself or save needs to be gone by then. That gives him 3 weeks to sort whatever it is.

If he hasn’t prioritised it in 3 weeks. Tough, the whole lot is going.

I think paying someone would lead to a huge row. But I am so frustrated. We don't have children together. No, he doesn't spend a lot of time with me which is another bug bear. Unless you count sitting in front of the TV or going for a meal every 2 weeks. There isn't much talking or listening from him sometimes

Just do it yourself and tbh honest consider what being in a relationship brings to your life?
it sounds like you’d be happier without him

This relationship is making you so unhappy OP. I think you need to talk to somebody - a counsellor or therapist - about how it got to this stage, & what good - if any - it is doing you.

I have various ideas to wake him up, like just chucking his garden rubbish in his van & insisting he drives his crap off your lawn pronto, or you will insure yourself on his vehicle & do it yourself. Taking the broken door right off its hinges & laying it on his side of the bed. But why should you have to go to these extremes?

He seems pathologically people-pleasing to his DC, yet barely even spends any time with you, let alone quality time, or helping you enjoy your relationship & home environment.
How did the living together come about - did he moved into your home?
Because he seems to be taking you utterly for granted, He's either working, doing his 'hobby', or playing handyman & servant to his adult children. What's left over for you - & is it worth it?

Book a skip, tell him his shit goes into it in 2 weeks just as fast as you can move it.

I have a horrible feeling he's living in OP's home, at her expense & she's doing all the domestic drudge that he won't bother with.

If this is the case, he needs to go in the skip too.

So at this point he is willing to risk a huge row by not doing it

Unless you are willing to risk a huge row by getting it done then you are always coming from a place of weakness

He sounds incredibly selfish within your relationship, your choices are either to put up with this and never have your needs met, be selfish back and ensure your needs are met yourself without waiting for him to do it, or leave.

If I were you I would tell him he has until the end of October and if its not gone by then you will organise its removal as your mental health (and physical health if you hurt yourself on it) is at least as important as his need to save bits and its about time you got some consideration in the relationship

What do you get out of your relationship? He is showing you clearly where his priorities lie. He doesn't listen to you, talk to you or spend time with you?

You're flogging a dead horse here. I'd think about what YOU want to make you happy, then do that.

As another poster said, when does he get time to do his half share of the housework?

He sounds like a single man, living at home with his slave/mother with no responsibilities apart from doing what pleases him and no consideration for someone who is supposed to be a partner. Time for thinking about yourself op.