Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp does everything for his grown up dc's but wont sort our house out

39 replies

Cheeseandlobster · 03/10/2022 08:52

Dp has 3 dc's. All grown up and with their own homes. One of them rents a home which belongs to his ex wife.

He runs all over the place for them. Fetching them groceries when they have cars of their own and maintaining their houses. Which should be lovely but he spends so much time doing their homes that he won't sort ours out. He has dumped loads of crap in our garden - bits of wood and rubble. He has promised me he will take it away in his van for months as he has a tip licence yet its still there and I have to do an obstacle course just to get the washing out. He accidentally broke one of the bedroom doors and it is now hanging off. I don't know when this will be fixed. I have just found out that while I was at a friend's house overnight this weekend he spent the whole day Saturday and some of Sunday cutting down trees and moving the lawn at his eldest daughters home which is the one owned by his ex wife and her new husband. Surely they should be doing this?

So now as I looked over our horrible rubble strewn garden and see his daughters beautiful garden on Facebook, I just want to cry. He knows how I feel and how having a cluttered house affects my mental health. He has told me not to do the garden myself as some bits of the shite he wants to keep. God knows what.

I am not being unreasonable am I to want him to sometimes prioritise our home?

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 03/10/2022 11:28

Have you been with him a long time OP?

It doesn't sound as though you have a good relationship. He gets to do his hobbies at weekends, and he spends time with his adult children, doing jobs for them (aka being used by them). You say your home is cluttered, he won't do anything to improve it, he doesn't talk to you much or spend time with you. Why are you even with this man? Life's too short to be living like this.

Original poster
Cheeseandlobster · 03/10/2022 11:44

bloodyunicorns · 03/10/2022 11:09

What do you get out of your relationship? He is showing you clearly where his priorities lie. He doesn't listen to you, talk to you or spend time with you?

You're flogging a dead horse here. I'd think about what YOU want to make you happy, then do that.

It's a good question. One I have asked myself a lot lately

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseandlobster · 03/10/2022 11:46

WhenDovesFly · 03/10/2022 11:28

Have you been with him a long time OP?

It doesn't sound as though you have a good relationship. He gets to do his hobbies at weekends, and he spends time with his adult children, doing jobs for them (aka being used by them). You say your home is cluttered, he won't do anything to improve it, he doesn't talk to you much or spend time with you. Why are you even with this man? Life's too short to be living like this.

Over 10 years now.

OP posts:
Aggypanthus · 03/10/2022 11:56

He sees you as an extension of himself. He does not care about your feelings as he expects you to go along with whatever he does.
He must have a massive guilt complex to be doing all these things for adults. I wonder if he did nothing when they were children OP and perhaps this is his way of compensating ?
STOP cooking for him and washing his clothes. See how he reacts to that.

I would have binned him to be honest as he does not value you at all

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 11:59

Cheeseandlobster · 03/10/2022 10:19

I think paying someone would lead to a huge row. But I am so frustrated. We don't have children together. No, he doesn't spend a lot of time with me which is another bug bear. Unless you count sitting in front of the TV or going for a meal every 2 weeks. There isn't much talking or listening from him sometimes

Sounds like you need to have a huge row with him about this tbh. That would drive me crazy

Rainbowqueeen · 03/10/2022 12:04

Tell him that you will be hiring someone on Friday to clean up the yard as soon as they are able to do so.

If he wants to shout about it, let him. State calmly that it is essential for your well-being to get it done asap and you know he will support you in taking care of yourself. Don’t mention all the opportunities he has had to do it - he already knows.

Then get excited about your lovely clean yard

AisforApplePie · 03/10/2022 12:11

Is the house joint?

Dancingjane · 03/10/2022 12:20

Dosn’t sound like your a priority OP. You need to re evaluate the relationship.

TiaraBoo · 03/10/2022 12:25

I’d set a deadline for you both to do it and say after that you’re paying someone to do it. Your mental health is worth it. (Assuming you have the money to pay someone)

Pollydon · 03/10/2022 12:30

Did he move into your home op ?

cstaff · 03/10/2022 12:49

I would definitely hire someone to do whatever needs doing. Let him get annoyed and then and only then will he see how pissed off you are and maybe he will think twice about it next time some small job needs doing around your own house.

Let him see how it has affected you, by him ignoring any requests and running to his children every single time. He needs to know that he cant just up and go every time for his kids - that you count also.

wackamole · 03/10/2022 12:54

The core issue here is not his doing things for his adult children or the time he spends on his hobbies, it's that he's neglecting his responsibilities at home. Clearing up a mess he made in the yard and getting the door he broke repaired, along with doing his half of household tasks, are primary responsibilities for him. If he can't manage to prioritise them (along with other primary responsibilities like work) perhaps he could estimate the time each primary task will take and book them into his diary. Then if last-minute non-emergency things crop up (going shopping for his adult child, doing his hobby) he simply says he has a prior commitment and will have to say no this time.

Of course you can't force him to do this, but you can be clear with him that the living arrangement can't continue with this imbalance of effort and commitment. This isn't even getting into his lack of interest in your relationship; this is basic stuff he'd do even if the two of you were flatmates.

cooolio · 03/10/2022 13:04

"Yet none of them got him a birthday card 2 weeks ago despite one of them working literally next to a card shop."

They're treating him like an absolute mug.

He's treating you like an absolute mug.

Runs in the family

Bogofftosomewherehot · 03/10/2022 16:17

Tell him you're ordering a skip in two weeks time. Tell him every day.... 8 days until skip arrives, 7 days until skip arrives. He'll soon realise you mean it.
Put said shit in the skip - he's had plenty of time.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page