Do I need to get a grip?!

[Sparkle900429]

I am early 30s, no children, live alone & have been single for almost 10years.
I do not have much of a social life and can go weeks or even months with only leaving the house for work, I’ve tried to organise things but always get let down or they have other commitments meaning they are unable to.
I haven’t learnt to drive, have no savings & am at the point I am wondering what is the point, I know I’m still young but how do I turn my life around? Am I being ridiculous in feeling like my existence is a bit pointless at this stage?.
It’s been another night of lying awake wondering if I’m being dramatic or if how I feel is a genuine reaction to my situation!

What do you love to do? What brings you joy?

Without meaning to sound dramatic (again!) I can’t think of a single thing, I don’t have any hobbies at all, my whole existence is going to work then sitting home alone watching tv.
I feel as though I am wasting my life but have no idea how to change it.

I have seen others around me loose family members young who were so full of life and had everything to live for, it makes me feel as though it is unfair and I am not deserving of the chance to live as I have already wasted so much time.

What do you do for work? Do you have friends at work?

I work in healthcare.
I don’t know if I would really call them friends? Everyone gets on really well but when the day ends that’s it, there are a few groups who see each other out of work but they have similar things in common - kids etc.

i dread the Monday morning question of “what did you do this weekend?!” Which on occasion I have lied about as I have heard it mentioned behind my back about how I do nothing which whilst I took offence is actually true!

Do you love your career? If that's where you're getting fulfilment that's ok?

I'd focus on being curious. What beliefs do you hold that mean there's nothing you dream about doing with your free time? Why do you believe you should be doing life differently but can't imagine what that could be?

I could suggest lots of different things to do, but I think the most valuable investment you could make is figuring out what life you'd love and what's holding you back.

Have you thought about joining some clubs and/or volunteering? Both are a great way to make friends and have a reason other than work to leave the house.
Round here there are all kinds of voluntary activities and clubs - a few examples being
•fitness classes
•walking and running groups
•political groups such as Young Conservatives
•Guiding/Scouts
•Flower arranging
•WI
•Bell ringing
•Environmental group
•Litter pickers
•Bowls/football/cricket/rugby/hockey/boules
•Amateur dramatics
•Orchestra
•Rotary
•Volunteer drivers for surgery
•Covid volunteers
•Church groups
•Stitch and bitch/Knit and natter
•History society
•Photographic club
•Young Farmers
•Carnival committee
And loads of others

Get on some local FB groups and see what's going on near you.

What do you want?
Hobbies
A relationship
A family
Friends
Some people seem to have things land at their feet easily and others have to work for what they want. Do you put your self out there? Dating or friendship apps? Are you happy with your life but feeling lacking in comparison to other? Have you considered you might be a bit depressed and maybe counselling might help.

Mindfulness and meditation can help with negative thought patterns.

I have people who I call friends who I used to see regularly but looking back I now realise this was more so when it was because they wanted something, one example is someone who had a boyfriend who worked away and she would ask to meet up every night almost which often involved listening to her talking about how bad the relationship was, months later he is back working in the UK and I am dropped, I rarely see her now at all.
Whatsapp group chat messages get ignored yet they post on Instagram all day things like that are examples are what my current friendships involve.

Take up a hobby, I go to the gym and meet like minded people, join a walking group, sewing group, try different things and see what you enjoy, loads of things to try, you will meet lots of new people. I think bumble the dating app has a section for making friends rather than a partner, good luck.

I think I always imagined I’d have a partner, kids and house.
Go on holidays (I haven’t actually ever been abroad) and just have some “meaning” to my life.

I don’t want to be ungrateful or moan about things but I don’t know how to get out of this place I’m in!.

Go on holidays (I haven’t actually ever been abroad)

This is something to aim toward. Can you start by going on a few local-ish holidays alone with tourist attractions to build up the confidence to go further afield alone?

I was in exactly your positon at 30. I joined some online groups via meet-up.com, a hiking group and a social group. I forced myself to go to very meet up. It was hard as I'm quite shy and I didn't always enjoy it, but little by little I made friends.

I figured that even if nothing came of it, at least I was getting out and doing something.

I would definitely join some form of activities/fitness group. I always see Crossfit or similar.groups seem to have team nights out/charity fundraising days and seem to be a community rather than just joining a gym. Or maybe a walking/hiking group. A lot of these groups will do foreign holidays like camino walks or an everest climb or something. Some Instagram accounts that I follow do things like this. Arrange meet ups every few weeks etc.

Do you have family nearby?
Could you decide this Winter to do one thing for fitness: join a gym, take a class and one thing for social activity; learn a new skill, volunteer.
It is going to take boldness on your part to do this but from the point of view of someone much older ..me..you are very young and have lots of time to turn your life around. Even keep posting here telling us what you decided to do as that will give you encouragement.
There are groups where single people travel together. Could you go radical and join one of those for a weekend to a city eg Florence/ Venice. Just do it no matter how hard it seems as one step leads to another.
Also in health care you may have 6 sessions of free counselling which would be good to access with the goal of them helping you take those steps. Your work will not know you accessed this as its totally confidential.

I really recommend hiking groups. There’s a real mix of people, and they’ve all started somewhere. From there, once you’ve built up your fitness, there are loads of companies offering walking holidays, both here and abroad. The social aspect of it is brilliant.

Take the first step at something!

I feel for you as it can definitely be a challenge moving from being single in your 20s, when everyone around you seems to be single, everything is new and it's easier to meet new people and make friends, to your 30s and 40s when suddenly it seems like everyone has settled down.

I really think that one of the steps to making a strong friendship group is first being friends with yourself, and filling your time with activities you enjoy because you want to do them rather than just to make friends. Choose an activity that you are interested in and can commit to, and something that you can get really into, not just do for a couple of months then get bored. Sometimes it's nice to have something that's totally different to your job. I think it's a bonus for wellbeing if your activity helps get you outdoors, but it's also nice to take a class to learn a hobby that you can do at home in the evenings. Something like a musical instrument, or sewing, knitting, cooking... Having something you really enjoy doing gives you a starting point for conversations, and also a good reason to get out there, even if just to travel to the town where you can get the best fabric/wool/seeds/whatever.

Of course, it's also good to do something that involves interacting, where you can't just turn up, go silently to a class, and leave. Having something in common means that you always have something to talk about with your friends. Bear in mind that it takes time to build friendships, and like any relationship they take work. Some of the people I know with the biggest friendship groups are the ones who not only suggest a fun get-together for drinks in an evening, but also are really good at noticing when they can help out. Being a good friend is often being the person who listens rather than talks.

Good luck finding something you love doing!

I used to work with a guy who in particular used to ask me every single Monday what I did at the weekend. I hated seeing him on a Monday as I went through a spell of never doing anything.

Anyway when I was 31/32 I dated somebody for a while, we split up and that gave me the impetus to sort out my social life, I had to keep busy after the breakup. I joined Ramblers, there is an under 35 (maybe under 40) spin off. I also joined Spice group, they do loads of different activities although I mostly did Sunday walks, walking weekends and dinners. I made friends that I saw outside the organised activities and although they turned out to not be life long friends (it is 20 years ago), it got me out of a rut. I really think you do need to make a concerted effort to get your social life going, go along when maybe you don’t even feel like it.

I also think it would be worth considering learning to drive, that can also open up opportunities that are harder to access without a car.

Joining a choir is great (a fun one, not a serious one with auditions etc) as you can 'join in' without having to make small talk and talk to people as much or as little as you like so you can get to know people gradually. When I'm feeling low, it's the one social thing I still force myself to go to. I have been known to walk there crying but every single time I come home feeling happy - it's like magic! Also look at trips with someone like G Adventures or Intrepid if budget permits. Again, you can involve yourself with the rest of the group as much or little as you like but still have great experience. And something exciting to report back to work when they ask what you did in your holidays.

@Sparkle900429 i wish there was Uni type halls for adults, communal areas, and private bathrooms.

It was solve so much isolation.

It works for students and elderly, why not inbetween, I’m a young ish single empty nester and would move in, in a heartbeat.

I didn't meet my now DH until I was 32. DCs at 34 and 36. So you have loads of time

Thank you for all your suggestions.
I know it’s me that needs to help myself it’s just hard to do, hopefully this will give me the push I needed!

I’ve also been thinking about why is it that there is this pressure to have your life “sorted” by the time you’re 30? I also thought 30 was the age I needed to have everything done by which is probably half of the reason I feel the way I do! People I know all have mortgages, marriages and children and have done since their 20s! I can’t be the only one who hasn’t got their life together?.

Thankyou :-).
I not long ago had a colleague ask if I minded that I’ve “missed my opportunity to have children” , I’m 32 but she made me feel 132! My obsession about being alone in my 30s has got worse since that conversation!

You haven't "missed" your chance for children nor do you have to have you life "sorted!"
You've identified yourself that you don't do anything other than work or watching TV so focus first on finding some groups/interests/hobbies so that you start to enjoy life then take it from there. You have so many opportunities and freedom to enjoy!

Why not try a trip abroad? Find a city you fancy, visit all the sights, museums etc try new food. It’ll improve your self confidence.

I think you to shift your mindset around being 30. Being 30 is great. It's the decade that you will have the most fun, without the young, stupid mistakes of 20s. It's the decade that it does not matter what everyone else is doing because you can go your own path (20s I feel people are still finishing college, starting to get jobs, all on the same level, 30s everyone is different and there's no right or wrong).
I mean this in the kindest way possible but the things you say you want aren't going to come knocking on your door. You need to make the changes! Start by joining a club somewhere!