Do I need to get a grip?!

[Sparkle900429]

I am early 30s, no children, live alone & have been single for almost 10years.
I do not have much of a social life and can go weeks or even months with only leaving the house for work, I’ve tried to organise things but always get let down or they have other commitments meaning they are unable to.
I haven’t learnt to drive, have no savings & am at the point I am wondering what is the point, I know I’m still young but how do I turn my life around? Am I being ridiculous in feeling like my existence is a bit pointless at this stage?.
It’s been another night of lying awake wondering if I’m being dramatic or if how I feel is a genuine reaction to my situation!

I’ve also been thinking about why is it that there is this pressure to have your life “sorted” by the time you’re 30? I also thought 30 was the age I needed to have everything done by which is probably half of the reason I feel the way I do! People I know all have mortgages, marriages and children and have done since their 20s! I can’t be the only one who hasn’t got their life together?.

But life isn't like that, as I'm sure you know deep down. It's more like tending a garden that evolves with changing circumstances. Plants grow or fail in response to differences like weather, season etc and life is no different. Things alter in time like what job you do, the place you live, the people you see. Very little is carved in stone and the major changes you can affect yourself by changing jobs, moving house or joining clubs. There's no age limit on anything like this.

You've made a huge step in realising that you are not content with the way your life is going. Now you have the chance to put your choices into effect. Look at what's on in your area, pick a topic and give it a try. If book clubs aren't your thing, try a walking group or pottery class instead, join a gym or an evening class. You've nothing to lose really.

Ignore people who suggest that you're in any way over the hill at 30, it's a daft opinion and very limiting. You've got loads of opportunity to have a good time discovering yourself without being tied down with responsibilities.

Ok, I'm kind of in your boat, but I'm 40. I thought I would have 'that' sort of life that most of people I know do. The mortgage, marriage and kids. Bar a few short term things, I have been single since my late 20's.

In the past few years due to friends going off and getting married and having kids, and realising during covid that my single girl friends weren't really friends at all (won't bore you with that). So whilst I do have friends, I'm not priority to any of them and often find myself with nothing to do and no one to pick up the phone to.

It bothered me for a bit but now I am full of acceptance. I go on holiday by myself all the time. I love it! I'm away now! Go on Skyscanner and look at the cheapest flight to anywhere and off you go (if you can afford it). It opens your mind so much.

Next on my list is to join some sort of fitness class/group and make getting the 2 stone I've put on over the last two years a priority.

Get yourself out there.

I went through a bit of an existential crisis around 28-29. I think as children we picture our lives when we are a grown up (and have no concept of money and politics and social mobility etc) and I was struggling with the whole “is this it?”. I have made an effort this year to get out the house more, I’ve joined an in person book club on Meetup to meet new people, I changed jobs, I stopped reading the news everyday (that really helped). That feeling hasn’t gone away entirely but I’m making strides to make my life feel more fulfilled.

You sound a bit down OP, and I can empathise with your situation

I am a lot older than you and although I have an adult son and am married, in other terms, I hve not done much, really

I have never been abroad. People think I am joking, they will say incredulously:- 'what!! you have never been abroad?! oh you don't know what you are missing'

And to be honest - I am not that fussed about going abroad - I used to think I was, but that was more to keep up with what I thought I should want. I have far more fun and relaxation travelling the UK, there is so much to see here

I got to a point where all I was doing was working - my friends had drifted away.

Then I got back in to playing an instrument that I had learned as a kid, joined an orchestra, and I love it.
I think it is all about finding your passions

I see others have mentioned walking groups as well, I know a man who joined one when his wife died and it gave him such a new lease of life, they do stuff most weekends and go on walking holidays together etc

OP I struggled at 30 too (I'm 56 now). I was in a long relationship with no prospect of marriage so I ended up asking him. We were married 15 years and I have a 21yo ds who still lives with me but I remember really not liking being 30!

I think you need to stop trying to conform to other peoples expectations and as others have said and decide what you want to do. I agree that driving would give you more options so maybe start with that - have a couple of lessons to see how you go.

You need to take the first step in changing your life and then put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I've been single for over 10 years (by choice) and I enjoy my own company and have lots of friends. I recently went on my first solo cruise and I can thoroughly recommend it! Even though I'm quite confident I still felt nervous about meeting other people but I had a whale of a time. It's a great way to travel, do different things and meet people.

The trick is to fake it til you make it. It really works.

Oh and watch the film Yes Man (Jim Carrey) for some inspiration!

You can do this - one step at a time

Thankyou for all your helpful suggestions.
I am going to plan a solo trip in the new year and will also look at finally doing those driving lessons!
I’ve also realised I need to stop listening to other peoples opinions - you’re right, I’m not over the hill just because I’m 32! Funny how people can get inside your head isn’t it!
im going to look at it as though I have freedom by having no commitments and see it as a positive rather than a negative.

At 32 I wasn’t even interested in relationships & babies, I just felt far too young!

I think suggestions of joining clubs etc that you’re interested in or even volunteering will get you out mixing but honestly, please don’t put pressure on yourself to have certain things. You’re getting to live your life & even small changes are changes.

You have it within your control to make a change though? If you feel unhappy with how you're spending your time then I'd say do what others are suggesting and start volunteering and take up some hobbies not necessarily because you think you'll be good at them but just purely because you think they might be fun or interesting to try. That will also get you meeting new people and start feeling a bit more confident about your lifestyle. I'd start by looking at what's on in your area and maybe start building up your confidence in getting out and about by yourself. See if there's any local events on at weekends and go to them, take yourself to the cinema to see whatever movie you like the sound of, if you like reading go read in a coffee shop instead of at home. I think one of the things a lot of people who are single feel is that they need to wait around for someone to do things with but that's not really the case.

In terms of wanting to meet someone that might happen naturally though you being out and socialising more but you can also look at online dating as another option. I met my DH when we were both in our 30s and honestly I'm glad because I've friends who would say they never learnt to be independent before meeting their OH whereas I did get that experience and learnt to do things purely because I wanted to.

Hope you can find some things to do local to you.

I used to work, look after children with nothing for me. Until having chidkren I knew nobody in the suburb we live in.

So I started helping out in brownies/guides, something I last did as a student. Made a few friends with leaders. Then had children and had to stop.

now I have joined a community choir you thing. I cannot sing that well but it does not matter - I am out of the house with older adults. I have also done a BSL Level course which was for beginners.

so hope you can see what you can get to and find a few thungs you enjoy.