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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP secretive about friendships

49 replies

coffi123 · 02/10/2022 23:58

Trying to keep this short…DP of 4 years, seriously talking about getting married and starting a family. He knows all of my friends, but in all these years, he only ever introduced me to one of his friends. We have met each other’s families (he’s met mine after 8 months, I’ve met his after 2 years of relationship apart from his brother who I’ve met after 11 months relationship).

Laying awake after a big argument tonight…he met a friend for drinks after work - I don’t have any problems with that, I also sometimes meet friends for drinks and more often than he does - but when I asked who this friend is, he didn’t want to give any information. I brought up the whole topic of him knowing all my friends and me knowing only one of his, and that I’m slightly bothered about this. He wouldn’t understand it at all, he said that he told me he’s meeting ‘a friend’ and there’s nothing more to tell me. Said he could have saved himself the trouble and not said anything at all. Also said that I’m under no obligation to introduce him to my friend and that he is frankly quite bored of hearing about my friends. Demands that I just need to let him have his friends and stop asking about them. Again, I have absolutely no problem with him going out with his friends, but AIBU to ask about who they are?

OP posts:
FuchsAndMöhr · 03/10/2022 00:00

🚩

Feelingconfused2020 · 03/10/2022 00:03

There's something he doesn't want you to know. No idea what it is. At best it's that something about his friends is a bit dodgy at worst it's a secret second life. It's a red flag for me.

Notsandwiches · 03/10/2022 00:08

He either has a secret or he's ashamed of you.

mamabear715 · 03/10/2022 00:08

Another red flag here.
Do you seriously want to marry this guy & be left at home with a baby while he's out with 'a friend'?

Original poster
coffi123 · 03/10/2022 00:13

Yes, I agree it’s a red flag. I should add that it doesn’t happen very often that he goes out, and that he is home by 8ish if he does. So really just a quick pint after work…should and would be no issue at all, it’s such a non event really. I’m actually sure it is innocent, it’s the inability to understand my feelings and his defensiveness and stubbornness that bothers me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell me who his friends are. But maybe I’m being too stubborn myself and it’s not that big a deal, hence my AIBU

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 03/10/2022 00:22

It is a big deal

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2022 00:31

You can’t be sure it’s innocent at all. You cannot trust him.

He doesn’t respect you. He is withholding information from you. He has insulted you for sharing info about your own friends.

This man is toxic. End it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/10/2022 00:32

I think you need to hear how truly fucking bizarre his behaviour is. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you might be unreasonable about it too.

This is not a viable relationship, he is being poisonous.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2022 00:39

Stop with trying to figure out why he is like this, you're just wasting your time. If you were smart, you'd be running for the hills by now. This isn't normal.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/10/2022 05:54

Yeah this is really odd. 'I'm out with friends Tuesday'. 'Oh yeah, who are you seeing?' is a completely normal conversation and he either knows this and is trying to make you feel like it's not normal, or he really isn't normal himself and likes to completely compartmentalise his life.

None of the reasons that he might be like this are good.

W0tnow · 03/10/2022 06:01

This is one of those posts where I would be absolutely stunned if anyone said yabu. Someone probably will though. Don’t pay them any attention.

Shoxfordian · 03/10/2022 06:02

It’s a big red flag op
Don’t marry him

okytdvhuoo · 03/10/2022 06:03

Yeah it’s weird OP

theresnouseingrumpin · 03/10/2022 06:24

Weird

ParentallyUnprepared · 03/10/2022 06:27

I'm was also coming to say it's really weird.

MRex · 03/10/2022 06:30

He's hiding something huge. Could be a child he doesn't want you to know about, or a criminal record, or another girlfriend, or anything really. At a certain point, while you might be desperate to know, your priority should be packing up and walking away, because his behaviour towards you in trying to hide this is despicable. I hope your next relationship is with someone decent.

BrookeDavisQueen · 03/10/2022 06:32

I agree with you that it's in all likelihood an innocent drink but it's very likely to be there's something he doesn't want you not know about him. That's why he's keeping you away from his friends. It will drive you crazy trying to work out what it is and that's no basis for a marriage.

KendrickLamaze · 03/10/2022 06:33

Really weird behaviour. The only potential for it being innocent is that out of principal he decides to dig his feet in but it's a ridiculous thing to dig your heels in over or try to hide. I know my DP is a little "why do you need to know" once or twice but when I tell him I was just interested he answers whatever I asked. Usually because he is going out with a girl and I'm jealous 🤣

Both of us go out with friends that the other one has no idea of and will never meet but we know their name and general things about them. We also give a rundown of anything unusual/funny happened once we return.

My first thought would be non innocent meetings with women from the way he hides it and he doesn't want to lie. If you accept this, what happens when he pushes it on to other aspects of his/your shared life?

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 06:35

Why wouldn’t he just say ‘Mark from accounts dept’ if it was just a friend. Clearly suspicious I’m afraid

Mummadeze · 03/10/2022 06:39

My partner is like this. He likes to be mysterious to seem more interesting than he is. He also is a narcissist who has friends for specific uses that he likes to keep secret. We have had the same arguments about it for 16 years. I know I am an idiot, thought I could change him etc etc. He has never backed down though and we now lead pretty separate lives because he keeps his so under wraps and I can’t share in his life outside our family. Massive red flag if you ask me.

AmberGer · 03/10/2022 06:44

Don't marry him!

rainbowstardrops · 03/10/2022 08:32

Definitely don't marry him! He's hiding something.

Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 09:40

Its really odd. Going for a drink every so often with friends is totally normal. telling your partner who you are meeting is totally normal. Even if they've never met them!
Only meeting 1 friend of someone you've been with for years and plan to marry is definitely not normal, especially if they are local enough to meet up with after work.

He is hiding something and has managed to convince you that you are the odd one here, in order to shut you up. Theres a reason for it. And it will be a reason he knows you'd be damn well not happy about.

Original poster
coffi123 · 03/10/2022 12:45

Thanks all! I'm actually quite surprised, I expected the votes to be pretty much 50/50, and people telling me that I am controlling for wanting to know who he meets. That's what he tries to convince me of....really good to get a different perspective, food for thought....

OP posts:
randomchap · 03/10/2022 13:02

Being in a serious relationship means sharing your life with someone. If he's not willing to share significant things like his friendship groups then he's not committed.