Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP secretive about friendships

49 replies

coffi123 · 02/10/2022 23:58

Trying to keep this short…DP of 4 years, seriously talking about getting married and starting a family. He knows all of my friends, but in all these years, he only ever introduced me to one of his friends. We have met each other’s families (he’s met mine after 8 months, I’ve met his after 2 years of relationship apart from his brother who I’ve met after 11 months relationship).

Laying awake after a big argument tonight…he met a friend for drinks after work - I don’t have any problems with that, I also sometimes meet friends for drinks and more often than he does - but when I asked who this friend is, he didn’t want to give any information. I brought up the whole topic of him knowing all my friends and me knowing only one of his, and that I’m slightly bothered about this. He wouldn’t understand it at all, he said that he told me he’s meeting ‘a friend’ and there’s nothing more to tell me. Said he could have saved himself the trouble and not said anything at all. Also said that I’m under no obligation to introduce him to my friend and that he is frankly quite bored of hearing about my friends. Demands that I just need to let him have his friends and stop asking about them. Again, I have absolutely no problem with him going out with his friends, but AIBU to ask about who they are?

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 03/10/2022 14:19

@coffi123 Hope all goes well for you. xx

EBearhug · 03/10/2022 15:07

If he'd just said, "a couple of blokes from work/running club" or something,that would likely have been the end of the conversation, but refusing to give any info is weird.

Not meeting friends is also weird. You don't have to end up bestest buddies with them, and it's normal not to bring partners on a works night or similar but I'd still expect to know that he's seeing friends from work/he grew up with/from uni/used to be neighbours or whatever - not their entire life story, just a bit of context, because that's normal. I know of some of the friends of my colleagues, and I'm definitely not marrying any of them. I don't know more than "goes biking with a former colleague," and "drinks with mate from Sunday football," It's just very basic conversational stuff, that just comes up from time to time. I would expect over time to meet some friends of a partner - not necessarily all of them, and it might not be longer than, "hi, have a good night, see you, bye," but being deliberately excluded and told nothing when you're 4 years in is odd.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 15:14

That's really fucking weird, I wouldn't be marrying someone who behaves like that

WhenDovesFly · 03/10/2022 15:32

So who would he plan to invite to the wedding on his side? Just his family and no friends?

It's very strange OP. What's his family like? Did you get on ok with them?

Northernsoullover · 03/10/2022 15:37

My ex used to do this. He would refuse to tell me where he'd been or who with. On a few occasions I found out he was in the local with a group of mates. So while not hiding anything really He was doing it deliberately to fuck with my head. I think I'd have preferred it if he was cheating.
Its absolutely no way to behave in a loving relationship.

Original poster
coffi123 · 03/10/2022 15:51

@WhenDovesFly he wants to elope, says he’s not close enough with any friends to invite them. Or having only his parents there. His family is ok but I only saw them a couple of times, most of them live quite far away.

@Northernsoullover yes, I start to wonder if it’s a crazy mind/power game designed to make me look paranoid and jealous for no reason

@mamabear715 thank you!

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 03/10/2022 15:55

he wants to elope,

So secretive with his friends and wants to be secretly married.

OP I'd be wondering if any of his friends, bar the one you've met, actually know he is engaged. I wonder if they will even be told hes got married! They may not even know you exist.

Does he do social media? Are you a bit of a secret on there? I think with the oddness about not telling you who he is with and then not wanting anyone at the wedding, its just too much secrecy. Are you sure he isn't already married?

SleeplessInEngland · 03/10/2022 15:59

Not being bothered about you meeting his friends: Not a red flag, some people like to keep social spheres separate.

Avoiding telling you anything, getting angry when you ask about them: red flag.

Stiltonlover · 03/10/2022 16:14

he wants to elope

Is that what you want?

tiddlywinks2 · 03/10/2022 16:20

This mirrors what my friend went through! Pretty much identical actually. Anyway, sorry Op but she did some digging, found out he had an arrangement with a prostitute.

It became apparent through searching through his bank statements. She also found a second phone.

It's definitely a red flag, you are definitely NOT unreasonable! Flowers

littlebirdieblu · 03/10/2022 16:23

Red flags everywhere

Cakecakecheese · 03/10/2022 16:43

Christ it's not like you wanted this friend's life history but normal people would have given very basic details at the very least just in conversation, the fact that he didn't was odd enough but his reaction to your perfectly reasonable observation just adds to the red flag pile.

Apologies if you've already said so but does he have social media?

Fixyourself · 03/10/2022 16:53

Let me guess… he then makes out like you’re crazy and being ridiculous?
There’s definitely something not right here.
What advice would you give to a friend in your situation?

OoooohMatron · 03/10/2022 16:54

Perhaps he's embarrassed by them. Maybe they're old friends who have a lot of embarrassing stories about him that they're not afraid to share?

Stiltonlover · 03/10/2022 16:58

I know it's not the done thing OP so apologies but I had a read of your other thread and what you're characterising as stubbornness I think is actually more control.
He refuses to plan anything about your future lives, or discuss together how you might manage children? And also refuses to share basic information about his friends?
I imagine things work rather nicely as long as you're in your box and not challenging the status quo. However, outside of the box - he doesn't like it.
This doesn't sound much like a partnership to me I'm afraid. And you won't change him.
I think you know deep down, really. Flowers

Hawkins001 · 03/10/2022 20:17

He could be in a sensitive line of work, and all the friends are related to that organisation ?

Sunnyqueen · 03/10/2022 20:37

I used to know a couple like this, together ten years she'd never met any of his friends. She came from quite a posh, horsey, well to do background his friends were all massive dossers, criminals, drug takers, abusing their own girlfriends. He'd also cheat when he was out with them.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2022 10:33

Hawkins001 · 03/10/2022 20:17

He could be in a sensitive line of work, and all the friends are related to that organisation ?

😂

Original poster
coffi123 · 04/10/2022 12:44

Thanks again for all the advice. I wanted to give one final update before bowing out of this thread (because I want to disconnect and have some me-time in the next few days). You all hit the nail on the head. To answer some questions, he hardly uses social media but no, I'm not featured on his social media. Yes, makes me feel silly and just plainly wrong when I bring this up. He's not in a sensitive line of work.
Anyway, I tried to have another conversation with him yesterday again, and of course it blew up again, with him accusing me of taking far more than I give in the relationship (he never mentioned this before, and I'm generally a people pleaser), and I think I finally can admit to myself what I knew all along about where this relationship is going. So I've packed a bag, and booked myself a nice week away to get some space, and to allow myself to think clearly. Having made this decision already makes me feel better, actually 🌻

OP posts:
Stiltonlover · 04/10/2022 13:18

Good luck OP. Really do wish you well.

Hawkins001 · 04/10/2022 15:57

coffi123 · 04/10/2022 12:44

Thanks again for all the advice. I wanted to give one final update before bowing out of this thread (because I want to disconnect and have some me-time in the next few days). You all hit the nail on the head. To answer some questions, he hardly uses social media but no, I'm not featured on his social media. Yes, makes me feel silly and just plainly wrong when I bring this up. He's not in a sensitive line of work.
Anyway, I tried to have another conversation with him yesterday again, and of course it blew up again, with him accusing me of taking far more than I give in the relationship (he never mentioned this before, and I'm generally a people pleaser), and I think I finally can admit to myself what I knew all along about where this relationship is going. So I've packed a bag, and booked myself a nice week away to get some space, and to allow myself to think clearly. Having made this decision already makes me feel better, actually 🌻

All the best and positivity op

KendrickLamaze · 04/10/2022 18:14

Wish you all the luck and positivity in the world. Flowers

Etinoxaurus · 04/10/2022 18:20

coffi123 · 03/10/2022 12:45

Thanks all! I'm actually quite surprised, I expected the votes to be pretty much 50/50, and people telling me that I am controlling for wanting to know who he meets. That's what he tries to convince me of....really good to get a different perspective, food for thought....

I’m surprised too at the unanimity!
yanbu

TempName01 · 04/10/2022 18:43

he could have just given you a name, even if it wasn’t true you wouldn’t have thought anything of it if he just said ‘John from accounts’. It’s fucking weird

New posts on this thread. Refresh page