AIBU for not wanting to go on holiday?

[noidea22]

AIBU - Disagreement with the DH that I need opinions on please.

He wants to go on holiday to somewhere in Europe over Christmas/NY.

So reason I don't want to travel

1. Sleep situation. We have a son that will be almost 3 at the time who naps for 2+ hours every afternoon. DS is not ready to sleep in a bed solo, and won't sleep in a travel cot. He sleeps in a cot at home. On our last 'holiday' it was me that bed shared as he woke all night and lay with him as he napped all afternoon. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep, and I struggled to enjoy the holiday because of it. It is always me that my son wants.
2. Potentially messing up naps, so that he no longer has his afternoon nap when we return.
3. Current financial situation. The worlds an scary expensive place right now, and my husband is a contractor without steady income. We have been on shaky ground recently with money, plus we might need money for IVF.
4. Our last holiday was cancelled at quite an expense as he was asked to work and could not risk turning it down.

His reasons for holiday

1. He lives for holidays. We have both traveled 50+ countries and met while travelling. They are his number one hobby.
2. He was recently working 12-17 hour days, for weeks on end. In his eyes we can afford it and we deserve it.
3. This might be his only time to go on holiday for the year. Unless it is between projects, but it very unlikely.

I tried to find a compromise where he agreed to sleep in a seperate room with my son, and increase pre school hours if naps get messed with, but I know he will just agree to anything to get what he wants, and then back out of it. He won't agree to a holiday in the UK.

Sorry for the long post, but I would really value anyones opinion or suggestions. Am I being totally unreasonable?

I would go, get something that has a sitting room that has a sofa bed and a separate bedroom area, try your son on the sofa bed with a bed guard (can get folding ones) if that fails put son in bed with husband and you take the sofa bed, do not let him back out of taking his turns, make it happen.

What’s actual Xmas? 25th Dec happens in every country. We’ve been away for 5 of the 11 DD has seen so far.

With close family in the emergency services, hospitality industry and living in Muslim countries xmas is very much a movable event for us!

I mean this kindly but the IVF part of your post jumps out at me … are you possibly babying your son as you think another baby may not be a possibility?

Honestly, he needs a break having worked those punishing hours.
I really wouldn’t want family life revolving around a 3 year olds naps.

I meant the opportunity to see family on Christmas Day, go to our local church on Christmas morning, open and play with their presents, eat Christmas dinner, do Christmas Eve cookies and stories etc etc. For some people that won’t be important, for me that’s precious and I wouldn’t be prepared to have Christmas dinner with my children in a hotel with whatever presents I can fit in a suitcase. Christmas is not a moveable event as far as I’m concerned (ok, sometimes we do a second go on Boxing Day for the other side of the family but presumably any trip away would cover that too) - my parents tried the whole “we’ll have a proper Christmas when we get back a week later” thing and it was never the same.

Your mileage may vary as they say…

Sleep situation. We have a son that will be almost 3 at the time who naps for 2+ hours every afternoon. DS is not ready to sleep in a bed solo, and won't sleep in a travel cot. He sleeps in a cot at home. On our last 'holiday' it was me that bed shared as he woke all night and lay with him as he napped all afternoon. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep, and I struggled to enjoy the holiday because of it. It is always me that my son wants.

This is the only real issue. It's not a holiday for you if he leaves you to sort the DS and be massively sleep deprived as a result while he has a lovely holiday.

YOu need a firm plan from him as to how he is going to step up and do his fair share with his son in regards to bed sharing, nap times, lack of sleep, etc before you agree to go. And that you will fly home and leave him to it WITH HIS CHILD if he renegs when you're there.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. I really appreciate it.

I've decided to book the holiday.

Regarding him sleeping in a cot at 2y 8m, I listened to a podcast with a children's sleep specialist who recommended keeping them in a cot until they are 3 if they are happy to do so. It is because of all of the developmental leaps that they go through when they are 2. I was planning to transition him to a bed soon, so will do before the holiday.

I think a lot of how I felt when I wrote this post was to do with the anxiety I feel about him not sleeping. The first few years were really rough with zero sleep, leading me to being severely depressed with suicidal thoughts at points. Your response showed me that I need to move past this now that he is sleeping. You saved me seeing a therapist, so thank you!

Most of the responses seem to be that he will give his nap up soon anyhow. But when I look online it seems that children typically give theirs up sometime between 3 and 5, and it is common for 4 year olds to still need afternoon naps. I just want to put DS needs first, and whenever we do pram naps he seems to be a mess for days. It's not that I am babying him. It is that he clearly needs it.

We have had 4 overseas holidays with him, and it just never feels like a holiday for me. On the last holiday the bed could not be moved, and I was afraid that DH would roll on him in the night, so DH slept in another room while I lay there watching DS all night. Ended up catching the flu, and ill for 2 weeks after. Then developed very painful varicose veins from lugging DS around when he refused his pushchair, and had to have surgery costing 3k. And then the holiday after that was cancelled at our cost when DH had to work. So its been a year!

But holidays before that when he was smaller were great, and DH does absolutely deserve a holiday.

Thank you everyone. xx

Also, please disregard the comment I made about DH backing out of things. I'm just thinking about one time he backed out of something he agreed to a few years ago (sorry tired grumpy elephant brain!).

He is a great guy, and will support me the best he can whenever I do need help. It's just my toddler is goes through stages of wanting me over him, and refusing to let DH carry him. You know how toddlers can be.

Not going on holiday to accomodate your child's nap schedule at this age is ridiculous. I am with your husband, YABU.

Do you work OP?

Totally get your concerns around sleep. It would put me off too. Hard to enjoy a holiday when you're exhausted and you know your child best and whether they're likely to sleep okay on holiday or not.

I would suggest DH went off on a holiday by himself or with a friend if I didn't want to go. I'd be quite miffed though at being pushed into a holiday I didn't want to go on. Does he try steamroll you often? Why can't he take DS on a boys holiday?

Mine had naps until 3ish but I know that was rare amongst friends. 4/5 year olds will be at school all day so they won’t be napping.

No sleep is awful for anyone and can ruin a holiday. Was he waking all night because he was sharing a bed? Can’t you book somewhere with a cot - maybe in a separate room? And you take it in turns if he wakes.

I’d also try and get your DH to compromise on the type of holiday. A city break in the cold with a toddler won’t be much fun. Can you escape somewhere warmer? Then when he naps in the afternoon you can also have some downtime.

I completely sympathise that holidays with toddlers don’t often feel like holidays. We didn’t go away abroad when mine were around 2 - we went to Centre Parks and I still came home broken.

That's an awful lot going on!

Why were you watching over him sleeping? It's not DHs fault you sent him to another room?

I don't think you'd be happy with him in the same bed and you in the other room.

You're way to anxious over sleep.

You know anyone can talk shite on a podcast?

4 and 5 year olds napping? I've heard it all now. And the cot thing is also rubbish. Your anxiety over not doing something wrong by your son is causing you to baby him.

Your husband rolling onto him won't be an issue this time will it, nor will rolling out of bed. If he rolls out of bed he'll either stay asleep on the floor or whinge a bit then get back in. He's fine, go and try and enjoy yourselves.

Nobody gets surgery needing varicose veins from carrying a very small child around for a week or two!

YABU. Your husband is right!

I'm a reception teacher, have been for 10 years. I've never had a child come into my class who still has afternoon naps. Some of them have only just turned 4.

I have my own child who stopped napping at just turned 2.

You should probably start coming away from the naps.

Can you not ask family to have DS and go for a weekend away?

My DD napped until she turned 4 (March birthday). She then started napping again after her half days settling in to Reception. Obviously that had to stop when the full days started. I understand this is rare though!

In this country people are generally keen to stop naps quicker as early bedtimes are preferred and they can be inconvenient. Other countries keep them going for longer, as they better fit their routines. It benefitted my children to nap for longer.

OP I'm glad you are feeling less anxious and are going to book the holiday. I hope you have a lovely time.