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To give up on love because I'm unlovable?

8 replies

Michiru · 02/10/2022 18:43

I'm not being dramatic here, but over the last few months I have come to the conclusion that my childhood trauma and subsequent releationships with men have meant I am now incapable of forming a functional relationship with another person.

In short, my home life has left me devoid of a father figure and my mother made it abundantly clear that I was not loved. I did not start forming relationships with men until my 20s, and each one was either abusive or neglectful. Yes, I have had all the therapy in the world. I know exactly what I'm worth - I have many, many talents, I am exceptional in my work life, my hobbies and I am a good mother to my children.

But my experiences and ASD make it impossible for me to recognise men or women who are good for me, or form functional long-term relationships. The people I choose are no good for me (or anyone, really) and even if I found Mr or Ms Perfect I'd probably mess it up through insecurity or frequent bouts of depression. MNetters have made it very clear that they would run from a man with depression, so why would women be any different?

So, AIBU in thinking I'll end up a mad bird lady rather than ever having that person that I am good enough for, and who is good to me?

OP posts:
TwoWrightFeet · 02/10/2022 18:47

You don’t have to find a partner. You have listed many good qualities you have. Plenty of people live fulfilled lives without a partner. You can too.

J0y · 02/10/2022 18:51

I agree, having a partner isn't compulsory.
I used to try so hard to make a relationship stick. It was pointless. Feel happier now having just accepted being single.
The kirsten neff phd and chris germer phd mindful self compassion workbook is great. I particularly loved the re parenting chapter

Tiddlywinkly · 02/10/2022 18:53

Hi op. I have ASD and I have significant problems with making/keeping friends. By some miracle I have been with my lovely now DH for 17 years.

I'm starting ASD specific counselling next week to address my friendship problems. It may be that I have to make my peace with not having many friends and trying to find happiness where I can.

Could you look into counselling and focus on what does bring you happiness? As someone with ASD you are likely to have some special interests. Can you focus on that and see where it takes you? It may or may not lead to a relationship, but it sounds like you've got some unpacking to do (as do I).

Persephoned · 02/10/2022 18:55

You don’t have to find a partner. I feel ambiguous about it after my experiences. Do you want to? It’s not clear:

Im so sorry to hear about your childhood trauma - a lot of people have experienced similar. Would it help you to share that?

Michiru · 02/10/2022 19:02

Could you look into counselling and focus on what does bring you happiness? I have done that. I know what makes me happy, I am both a scientific and a creative soul. But both are quite lonely hobbies.

The thing is, counselling and therapy have both not helped with my basic issue. Which is, I have many talents, but getting people to care about me isn't one of them. I have no friends - any I've ever had turned out to be superficial, no matter how much I invested - and I have never had a functional relationship. I'm almost 40.

I'm worried about turning into my mother. Who was friendless, relationship-less and bitter. I am not feeling bitter, but I do feel jaded. I currently don't look like much, but when I lose weight and do look good, I attract a lot of attention, Just not from the good people. As if they can smell that I've never been loved, other than by my kids.

OP posts:
Michiru · 02/10/2022 19:09

Im so sorry to hear about your childhood trauma - a lot of people have experienced similar. Would it help you to share that?

Thanks. There is not much to it. Usual story, narcisstic mother (father ran away with another woman), I was the black sheep, never good enough. Also way too ill, often in hospital, so she probably never really bonded with me. Men have done everything from rape, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and trying to strangle me to death; even the lesser ones have been either long-term unemployed and viewed me as a meal ticket or expected me to drop my job for them so I could just focus on them. In one case, one wanted me to accept that he'd keep seeing a previous shag. I dumped almost all of them - I do know what I'm worth. But while I have all that going for me (I'm pretty, if overweight right now, very intelligent, academic, good job, 2 wonderful kids, financially stable, creative, good at DIY) it's only ever recognised externally when I'm on my own. Partners either thought they'd get emasculated or expected me to do everything for them, too, just because I theoretically could - I had one phone me up to drive 30min to remove a spider, I refused.).

OP posts:
Michiru · 07/10/2022 17:05

Mumsnet has me pretty much convinced I'm doomed for the relationship bin.

There was another thread going recently about red flags in Relationships, and having kids and being divorced are two, apparently. I'm sure not talking to family and depression (whether treated or not) were mentioned, too, in a few.

If this applies to men, why not women? Why would anyone want to put up with someone who has MH issues (they are being treated), kids, an ex husband and is nearing 40?

I have so many positives going for me, but at times I wonder if this is how many people think and whether I am doomed to be alone.

OP posts:
GeekyGirl42 · 13/05/2023 12:20

None of those things would put me off from dating a woman. The people you need to look out for are the ones that don’t look after their mental health. Someone who doesn’t talk to their family is likely good at setting boundaries.

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