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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be constantly anxious about my home

99 replies

Frazzld · 02/10/2022 08:19

I can't sell my 1 bed flat (long story) and won't be able to for 3-4+ years. The flat is small, 3rd storey, no outdoor space, and in a built up area with nothing to escape to (eg. library is 30 mins away, requiring 2 buses). Neighbours are noisy and difficult, and the building regularly gets vandalised/broken into. I moved here as it was all I could afford (shared ownership) and since my job went mostly remote, I spend every day/night and every weekend here as I don't have the money to do anything else. My relationship is strained as we've been squished together 24/7 for the past 2 and a half years.

I'm 35 and have accepted I won't be having kids now because of this situation and it's quite sad.

Being stuck here is all consuming and I feel stressed all the time. I wish I'd never bought it. Trouble is, I can't stop thinking about it. I wake up in the night panicking that I'm never going to be able to move on with my life and will be stuck here forever. Or I'll die in an accident before I get the chance to leave. I've tried all the usual things to stop being anxious, but I'm in the flat all day every day so it's hard. Any coping advice?

Also I do appreciate I'm lucky to have a roof over my head right now.

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 02/10/2022 08:21

Could you rent it out and move somewhere different ?

FixTheBeak · 02/10/2022 08:22

Rent it out and rent yourself somewhere better’

dudsville · 02/10/2022 08:24

It sounds like you're stuck, but why is that, why can't you sell?

OlympicProcrastinator · 02/10/2022 08:25

This is what I did. I let my property out, buggered off to a rental by the coast, had a family and never looked back.

Dotcheck · 02/10/2022 08:28

Just do it up and sell it.
Use any proceeds to create a down payment for your next place.

It may not make financial sense but your happiness has value too

Norriscolesbag · 02/10/2022 08:31

Rent it out or go bankrupt and let them take the keys/ start again. Life is too short.

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/10/2022 08:33

I can't rent due to the Ts&Cs of my shared ownership agreement.

Even if I could rent, we couldn't afford to rent anywhere else that's any better or bigger.

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 02/10/2022 08:33

Tell us why you can't sell it and we might be able to find a solution together.

You hate it and sound desperate. It is destroying your relationship, your MH and your ability to start a family. The reasons for holding on to it despite all that would have to be pretty compelling.

lickenchugget · 02/10/2022 08:33

Rent it out and move?

You can have kids anywhere, don’t let the home you’re in for now put you off.

LikeTearsInRain · 02/10/2022 08:33

Have you posted about this before? Was there issues with you both working at home and your job being made permanently remote?

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 02/10/2022 08:36

Do it up and sell it? As my gran says There's no such thing as "can't". Come on op you don't want to be there, get motivated and get out and move somewhere nicer/cheaper.

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 02/10/2022 08:38

By cheaper I mean look more up north, if your jobs remote there's nothing to hold you were you are. You could have a whole new life in a year or two but only if you make the change.

Redhotchllisteppa · 02/10/2022 08:39

Have you spoken to your housimg association, they sometimes buy back shared ownership properties

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/10/2022 08:42

There are serious issues with the building and it needs major work before it can be sold (mortgage lenders won't lend to potential buyers otherwise). Work is loosely scheduled to start around Nov 2023 -Jan 2024 earliest and will take around 1 year to 18 months to complete. We can only sell once the work has been completed and signed off as meeting standards. There have been constant delays at every stage so far so I don't expect the schedule to run on time.

OP posts:
FruitPastilleNut · 02/10/2022 08:44

Why can't you sell it? I'd make selling it my absolute priority, even at a loss.

beachsandseaicecream · 02/10/2022 08:44

Sell it at auction to a cash buyer?

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/10/2022 08:44

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 02/10/2022 08:36

Do it up and sell it? As my gran says There's no such thing as "can't". Come on op you don't want to be there, get motivated and get out and move somewhere nicer/cheaper.

Just a tip - please read posts before commenting.

OP posts:
Smileeriley · 02/10/2022 08:46

I feel your pain op.
I'm stuck in a house also and I keeps me awake at night.

ThreeFeetTall · 02/10/2022 08:48

Rent it out. Yes it is usually not allowed under t&c but given the circumstances I think the housing association should be flexible. Get your local counsellor/MP involved if you need to.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 02/10/2022 08:49

I could have written this, OP. I'm guessing you can't sell because of the fire safety crisis/not having an EWS1?

My husband and I did a lot of research and soul-searching and have realised we are stuck here, but not forever. We did a complete declutter and decorate, moved loads of things into storage and are just trying to make the most of the space for now.

We've also started IVF which, while not ideal in a one bed flat, is something we felt we couldn't miss out on. If we are lucky enough to be successful, we'll just have to try and make it work even though it's less than ideal.

Not sure if this is in any way helpful, but please know there are many of us in a similar predicament.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/10/2022 08:51

That’s really hard OP

Given you are stuck for 3 to 4 years and suffering from mental health issues, I would go and see citizens advice with your lease, get them to help you write to the leaseholder asking for permission to rent. Given they have let the building run down so badly that you can’t sell it, I think you would have a case to say you need to change my terms until you uphold your end of the bargain. Alternatively CAB might just say rent it out, and make that case if anyon comes after you. Go see the doc and get a note confirming this has given you anxiety.

Then if you are working remotely could you go somewhere cheaper to rent? Or is the trouble that your partner isn’t working remotely?

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/10/2022 08:51

FruitPastilleNut · 02/10/2022 08:44

Why can't you sell it? I'd make selling it my absolute priority, even at a loss.

When I say I can't sell, I cannot sell. Its not a bit run down or anything - my flat is genuinely lovely! Ive put a lot of time into making it nice.

The entire building is faulty and needs work. Nobody will touch it with a barge pole. Even those 'we buy any house' people, because of the maintenance and insurance costs involved. Mortgage lenders will not lend. The end.

OP posts:
FruitPastilleNut · 02/10/2022 08:51

If you definitely can't sell, have exhausted all options to try and rent it or sell back to the housing association AND you're sure that you're not generally 'just' depressed (ie it's definitely your flat making you feel like this)...

If it's that bad, just stop paying the mortgage. Save the money instead, let them send you all the red letters and a court date (don't go) and then an eviction date. Let them repossess it and go and rent somewhere, far away, where you love and can start again.

Your credit will be fucked for 6 years and if there's a shortfall after sale you'll need to make payments towards it - but if it enables you to move on, be happy, have children if you want them, it would be worth it to me.

You can get out of there if you really want.

RandomMess · 02/10/2022 08:52

I would focus on getting a job that isn't WFH, or perhaps a 2nd job in a bar or restaurant just to be out of there as much as possible.

I read your previous posts (unless someone else is stuck in incredibly similar circumstances) and it's truly awful for you Flowers

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 02/10/2022 08:52

OK so you can't change your accom, I get that.
Must feel like you are in prison being there 24/7.

Is it possible to change your job instead? Look for a hybrid role or fully office based, at least you'd be going out somewhere every day.

Also make sure you get out several times a day, walk your imaginary dog if you have to.