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AIBU?

To be constantly anxious about my home

99 replies

Frazzld · 02/10/2022 08:19

I can't sell my 1 bed flat (long story) and won't be able to for 3-4+ years. The flat is small, 3rd storey, no outdoor space, and in a built up area with nothing to escape to (eg. library is 30 mins away, requiring 2 buses). Neighbours are noisy and difficult, and the building regularly gets vandalised/broken into. I moved here as it was all I could afford (shared ownership) and since my job went mostly remote, I spend every day/night and every weekend here as I don't have the money to do anything else. My relationship is strained as we've been squished together 24/7 for the past 2 and a half years.

I'm 35 and have accepted I won't be having kids now because of this situation and it's quite sad.

Being stuck here is all consuming and I feel stressed all the time. I wish I'd never bought it. Trouble is, I can't stop thinking about it. I wake up in the night panicking that I'm never going to be able to move on with my life and will be stuck here forever. Or I'll die in an accident before I get the chance to leave. I've tried all the usual things to stop being anxious, but I'm in the flat all day every day so it's hard. Any coping advice?

Also I do appreciate I'm lucky to have a roof over my head right now.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

88 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
17%
You are NOT being unreasonable
83%
Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 10:17

If you really want to have children, I would consider having a baby. Small children don't care how much space they have, they just want to be close to their adults.

I wouldn’t have a child right now.

Having a baby can feel very suffocating and isolating and if you’re already feeling like that then you’re not going to enjoy motherhood.

It’s one thing being stuck in 24/7 on your own, but it must be way worse doing it with a child.

Do you drive OP?
If finances allow then I’d try and sort this out so when you do have kids you can drive them to the park or other activities.

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BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2022 10:19

She’s told us, repeatedly, that she can’t sell or rent out. She’s even told us why. Can’t you just accept that @Tabbouleh ?

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burnoutbabe · 02/10/2022 10:21

If it's the same op as before (and I recognised it too) then I think in that case the op does not own the flat, the boyfriend does.
So she could move back into a shared rental and date boyfriend for a while if wanted.

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Tabbouleh · 02/10/2022 10:22

Do calm down. I asked a question, and several other posters have commented that the post seems familiar. I didnt ask why she cant sell or buy. Ignoring your posts now.

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ResplendentQuetzal · 02/10/2022 10:25

The OP has explained why she can't sell or rent it out! Those of you saying she should just rent it anyway... depending on her mortgage agreement OP would be in serious breach of contract and her lender could repossess the flat and she'd still be liable for the outstanding mortgage!

And the suggestions that she stop paying the mortgage/go bankrupt ... how would she get a rental agreement with such a poor credit rating?

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TheRubyRedshoes · 02/10/2022 10:26

Op you are realisticly looking at 2 years before you can move?
If you wanted a baby now it would be about 1 when you were able to move.
It won't care where it is a baby and would be the perfect age to move.

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Tabbouleh · 02/10/2022 10:29

burnoutbabe · 02/10/2022 10:21

If it's the same op as before (and I recognised it too) then I think in that case the op does not own the flat, the boyfriend does.
So she could move back into a shared rental and date boyfriend for a while if wanted.

Exactly. But if not, then not.

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donttellmehesalive · 02/10/2022 10:52

I wouldn't have a baby in this situation. Babies are like throwing a grenade into any tough situation. With relationship tensions, lack of space, anxiety and money issues I think a baby would really just exacerbate everything - maternity leave can be isolating and adds to any financial pressures.

I'd be doing everything I could to prepare for a move the moment the work was done, and ttc then.

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BerryTiredMama · 02/10/2022 10:57

This may sound harsh but here goes… We've been living in a two bed with my mother, us two and my little one. We have been trying for 2 years to purchase a house. Various issues, still persevering. Does it get overwhelming at times? Of course but we are trying everything we can and not letting it drag us down. I know another couple living with in laws in one room with two kids. I know another couple living with 3 kids in a one bed. All are looking to move in the next 3-5 years and we will do it, it will just take time and patience. However in the mean time we have not paused our lives according to our living accommodations. These are safe, happy and comfortable places for children despite lack of space. We are extremely lucky to have a roof over our heads, food in our belly and warmth. Having children is not isolating, you only isolate yourself. Its genuinely all about mindset. If you dont want children thats one thing, but you can have them. Nothing in this life is guaranteed, not your health, your lifestyle, your fertility - none of it. You could get a house tomorrow and lose it later down the line due to finances. Fix your mindset and you’ll learn to overcome this issue.

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PennyPinkPineapple · 02/10/2022 11:00
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mountainsunsets · 02/10/2022 11:01

You've posted about this several times and have received loads of good advice from people already, but you knock it all back and always have a reason why you can't do anything to improve your situation.

I'd kindly suggest posters don't waste their time here.

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Dimsumbun · 02/10/2022 11:34

You don’t get second chances with fertility and age but you do with money, jobs and relationships.

I can sort of see the logic on defaulting and walking away though it would screw your credit rating for a few years. This happened to a lot of people in the early 1990’s when they defaulted. It’s crap but it’s surmountable. What is you did sub let and get caught out ? What would actually happen?

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GemmaEdKitten · 02/10/2022 11:52

FruitPastilleNut · 02/10/2022 08:51

If you definitely can't sell, have exhausted all options to try and rent it or sell back to the housing association AND you're sure that you're not generally 'just' depressed (ie it's definitely your flat making you feel like this)...

If it's that bad, just stop paying the mortgage. Save the money instead, let them send you all the red letters and a court date (don't go) and then an eviction date. Let them repossess it and go and rent somewhere, far away, where you love and can start again.

Your credit will be fucked for 6 years and if there's a shortfall after sale you'll need to make payments towards it - but if it enables you to move on, be happy, have children if you want them, it would be worth it to me.

You can get out of there if you really want.

This is terrible advice

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girlfriend44 · 02/10/2022 11:52

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2022 10:19

She’s told us, repeatedly, that she can’t sell or rent out. She’s even told us why. Can’t you just accept that @Tabbouleh ?

Exactly and if she dosent want it, why should anyone else?

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Tabbouleh · 02/10/2022 11:55

girlfriend44 · 02/10/2022 11:52

Exactly and if she dosent want it, why should anyone else?

Oh for God's sake please read my post. I didn't ask her to sell or rent it. If I am right it belongs to her DP- not her- and she can move out of there because it is affecting her MH. But as OP hasnt come back to clarify I don't know if I am right.

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FruitPastilleNut · 02/10/2022 12:07

GemmaEdKitten · 02/10/2022 11:52

This is terrible advice

Why?

The op said Being stuck here is all consuming and I feel stressed all the time. I wish I'd never bought it. Trouble is, I can't stop thinking about it. I wake up in the night panicking that I'm never going to be able to move on with my life and will be stuck here forever. Or I'll die in an accident before I get the chance to leave

Do you think hanging onto your credit rating is worth it at all costs?

Who do you think is happier - the person renting somewhere they love living, with a fucked credit rating for 6 years or the person with a mortgage and good rating who detests their life everyday?

It's an option. If I truly hated my living situation as much as op does, I would choose repo and bankruptcy over several more years of hating my life.

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fireandsnow · 02/10/2022 12:09

I let out my shares ownership property (well it's dh) we didn't tell anybody.. and it's been fine for two years

You don't have to inform all the time

Just let it out

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burnoutbabe · 02/10/2022 12:35

i suppose if its actually boyfriends flat, he may not want to be renting it out? He may be happy going off to work each day and just in flat at weekend. not want to pay a lot more to just give them an extra bedroom

(The extra bedroom doesn't help much - i have a 2 bed - i work from our bedroom, boyfriend from lounge but we are still together alot - which we like)

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bonzaitree · 02/10/2022 12:57

Honestly I'd rent it out on the down low even though it violates shared ownership ts and cs.

But you sound like an anxious person so maybe that's not the best idea.

If you want a baby, honestly go for it. Don't let your flat out you off.

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ThreeFeetTall · 02/10/2022 14:05

Housing associations and mortgage companies are going to be more worried this winter by people not being able to pay than trying to pro actively investigate subletting tbh.

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Dirtylittleroses · 02/10/2022 14:09

I think uou need to decide if you want kids or not irrelevant of the flat. If you do you can make it work, even if the child gets the bedroom and you sleep on a sofa bed in the living room

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Blueberrywitch · 02/10/2022 16:15

Gosh that sounds awful, we have some friends in a similar position and we are actually in the same position re:the cladding certificate and not being able to move, but at least for us we don’t actually want to move so that makes it ok for now.

Signing up to trusted house sitters is a nice idea just to get a bit of a release from the space, or finding a role that’s not fully remote if you can - I became very depressed when we had to WFH 100% of the time.

But all the tips about changing the lease/campaigning to be able to rent it out or get a lodger are the best solution for now I would say. With your job being fully remote you could live anywhere.

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Aubree17 · 02/10/2022 19:57

You need a plan.

How about a second job to increase your income? To save for when you can move and
find somewhere lovely.

And maybe try to make the most of what you have at the moment. Declutter. Make it look nice.

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Greenhillsfaraway · 02/10/2022 19:59

If you’re prone to stress don’t rent it out. Being a landlord is very stressful!

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