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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please. Teenager went AWOL

35 replies

fizzypop100 · 02/10/2022 01:28

DS(16) was out all day today in the park from lunchtime. At 8pm he was still there, so I rang him to come home. He was assaulted and robbed in the park a few days ago and that's why we asked him not to be there after dark.
He said he was on his way (10 minute walk home) Didn't come back. Rang again and he said he was still on his way. Still not home and he texted to say I'm fine, don't worry. It got to 11pm, then midnight. Again a text, I'm fine. I rang him and heard a voice I recognised. A boy I have seen around but don't know. I walked round to the house and DS was there. I told DS I'd been really worried and he called me a stalker. He then told me loudly that he can do what he wants when he is 18. I said we are leaving now and asked him to follow on behind me to give him chance to say bye to the friend.
He didn't come back home.
AIBU ? To expect him to tell us if he had no intention of coming back.
I'm exhausted with him generally. Going to college and leaving after half an hour, not bothering you see his Nan anymore, dropped all his sports etc

OP posts:
birdling · 02/10/2022 08:08

I don't have a teenage boy (yet) so don't know how common this is. Is this all new? Has his personality changed?
Any possibility of drugs? County lines?

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 02/10/2022 08:10

YANBU but what he is doing is entirely, (and frustratingly!) normal.

Do you have an iPhone?

I have findmyiphone so I can at least see mine isn't in a ditch.

Pigsinmuck · 02/10/2022 08:17

At 16 he should be given more freedom, but still needs some boundaries. It’s a difficult balance to get right.

No advice as mine are much younger still but from the teenagers I’ve worked with- once they are in the mindset they can do as they please and are battling parents it’s very difficult to correct. You have to allow them to make their own mistakes and be there for the fall out when it happens.

eyeteevee · 02/10/2022 08:22

It sounds to me like he needs something to do. Boredom isn't going to lead him down a good path and 8 hours hanging around in a park? Thats absolutely ridiculous. What about he gets a PT job, joins a club, finds a hobby, volunteering? Or even spend time with the family? What is everyone else doing when he is hanging snout for hours in a park?

nomoreflyingfucks · 02/10/2022 08:42

My immediate thought is county lines. My reason for saying this is in your last few sentences about dropping sports and leaving college after 30 mins. Have there been gradual changes over time to his personality? Did he report the assault/ mugging to the police?
Whilst I agree with PP about needing more freedoms at 16, I can also understand why you are worried about him.
On the other hand he could just be needing and pushing for more autonomy over his own time. If he's just started college he could feel disillusioned with his course and thinking 'what's the point' He's right in saying that in two years (or less) he'll be 18.
Have a read up about county-lines and see if it 'fits', personally I'd do this before having 'the chat' about 'my house / my rules' because if you think there is even the slightest possibility he's involved in drugs then 'the chat' needs to be handled in a very different way, or there is a risk of driving him in deeper to the mule gangs.
Also agree with pp about him getting some work, I think there is a good reason for sayings about boredom makes mischief or friends with devil (or some other antiquated Victorian saying!).
Keeping everything crossed for you he's just pushing boundaries with wanting more freedom, as that's an easier problem to solve (well slightly easier...!).

maddiesmam · 02/10/2022 09:07

I'd say it's typical teenage behaviour?

What are county lines??

Badgirlriri · 02/10/2022 09:10

Can’t believe people are suggesting county lines 😂

He’s being a normal teenager. Wanting him home by 8pm is too early.

amylou8 · 02/10/2022 09:13

Sounds like normal teen behaviour to me. Of course Mumsnet has him running drugs. At 16 I knew where mine were, they needed to be contactable on their phones, but they had no curfews.

Trees6 · 02/10/2022 09:23

amylou8 · 02/10/2022 09:13

Sounds like normal teen behaviour to me. Of course Mumsnet has him running drugs. At 16 I knew where mine were, they needed to be contactable on their phones, but they had no curfews.

Agree with this. My youngest DC is your son’s age OP and I have two older ones who were 16 not that long ago. He’s asserting his independence. The curfew seemed a little OTT. It’s positive that he didn’t ignore your messages.

BUT he should tell you where he is and if he’s planning to stay at someone’s house. Skippping college is bad news and you need to get to the bottom of it. It could be that he’s chosen the wrong subjects, in which case a solution needs to be found.

victoriacrosshairs · 02/10/2022 09:25

amylou8 · 02/10/2022 09:13

Sounds like normal teen behaviour to me. Of course Mumsnet has him running drugs. At 16 I knew where mine were, they needed to be contactable on their phones, but they had no curfews.

Basically this. 8pm is far too early.

eyeteevee · 02/10/2022 09:34

Sounds like normal teen behaviour to me. Of course Mumsnet has him running drugs. At 16 I knew where mine were, they needed to be contactable on their phones, but they had no curfews.

I knew where mine were at 16 too, it wasn't hanging round a park for 8 hours. That's absolutely not normal. One of mine worked every weekend and the other was in cadets and often away on activities or doing some volunteer work in the community.

eyeteevee · 02/10/2022 09:35

Sorry posted too soon

They also didn't have curfews. One never went out in the evening, the other was out at a friends most nights.

SeemsSoUnfair · 02/10/2022 09:40

Giving a 16 year old, which is an adult in some parts of the uk, an 8pm curfew is holding on way too tightly and you are going to have a tough time if you keep doing that.

You need to trust you have raised him well and it is time to give him more freedom to make his own decisions and let him be more independent, while keeping him talking to you so you can advise and support and only step in when there is no other option. Aim for him to be comfortable to let you know what he is doing and who he is hanging out with knowing you won't interfere unless really necessary.

Him threatening that he can do what he wants at 18 is just him telling you you are suffocating him.

lljkk · 02/10/2022 09:41

Not normal. So sorry you are going thru this.
County Lines is drug dealing networks that use young people as sellers-users-conveyors.
You might feel better talking to the college about your safeguarding concerns, OP. Phrase it as safeguarding. Neither of you can "fix" this but you need to talk to someone, to help you find support for your own sanity, and to help you find a strategy going forward that seems like it will cause least harm (to everyone).

Note a Strategy is not a Solution. It's a set of decision-rules so that you can feel at more peace with yourself with whatever happens afterwards, to keep you as strong as you can be right now, and should help you look back later feeling like you did what you could, especially to cause least possible damage to your relationship with your son.

OutWalkin · 02/10/2022 09:44

My immediate thought is county lines.

Me too, given the violence involved.

JuneOsborne · 02/10/2022 09:48

He sounds like he's on the verge of dropping out of life. 16 is a critical age for this. Hanging around in a park for 8 hours is what the kids round here do that are bored. And bored teenagers get into bad shit.

He needs something to really engage him and capture his imagination and make him want to excel at it. Something that takes his time up constructively. A part time job is an excellent way for teens to kill time, learn a work ethic, learn to be responsible and get some money in their pockets, so they can go to the cinema, or afford the latest trainers, or a new phone, or whatever it is that he'd like to have enough money for.

What's the story with college? Is he doing a levels that he's not interested in? What does he want to do as a a career? Is he academic? Is he suited to what he's got to do for the next 2 years?

Sounds like everything needs an overhaul. Including you expecting him home at 8. Od want him home of he was hanging around aimlessly too, but there are ways!

Do you hang out with him? Take him out for a few hours? Do something together that you both can enjoy?

madasawethen · 02/10/2022 09:52

Sounds like he has far too much time on his hands.

I second the part time job or joining a sport, learning an instrument. Something constructive. Is his father around?

Hanging around with nothing to do just leads to trouble.

Original poster
fizzypop100 · 02/10/2022 17:38

Violence? He was attacked.
No county lines. He only goes to the park.
We offer many activities but he isn't interested. GP has diagnosed depression but no help offered.

OP posts:
eyeteevee · 02/10/2022 17:57

Violence? He was attacked.

Which is violence?

LaTangerina · 02/10/2022 18:01

fizzypop100 · 02/10/2022 17:38

Violence? He was attacked.
No county lines. He only goes to the park.
We offer many activities but he isn't interested. GP has diagnosed depression but no help offered.

@fifizzypop100 I disagree with some of the other posters who say that 8pm is way too early of a curfew for a 16 year old.
It sounds like he's pushing his boundaries with you.
Personally I'd be confiscating his devices & grounding him for a while after that ... but mostly I'd be having having a talk with him trying to get him to open up to see whats going on.
You do know that hanging about the park all day he is most likely smoking/vaping/drinking?
No matter how good of a kid he is this is what they get up to, ask me how I know (recent experience with my own 16 year old).
You are right to be concerned about him especially as you say he was mugged. Plus if he's drinking etc he's putting himself at risk.
The line we took with our teen the same age is if they want to be treated as an adult then we need to trust them & they be honest with us. We've ended up allowing the vaping so there's no need to lie to us about that...they also had a secret relationship they were hiding...but have no need to now.
Best of luck to you, its tricky & there's no easy or straightforward answer.
Also this age does still need boundaries despite what others have said here.

plasticdragon · 02/10/2022 18:11

Violence? He was attacked.
No county lines.

Fair enough, guess he’s perfectly safe then and YABU.

Murdoch1949 · 02/10/2022 18:24

You're at a crucial point with your son. You and his father need to immediately discuss & decide on a joint strategy. Then sit down with him and reaffirm ground rules - college night curfew, weekend curfew, college attendance, study time, part in family life, chores, whatever. No, he cannot do what he wants, as he seems to think, even when 18 if living in your home. He may just be flexing his muscles or it may be more. The mugging 2 nights ago is worrying, as is his changed attitude to sports, gran, studying. School to college, with its 'more adult' atmosphere can be too lax for some, chase up his attendance, work etc with his course leader, if he's not submitting work or attending they will have records, nipping in the bud might be a help. Find out if he's any worries, is the new course wrong for him, are the new friends the problem. You need to be supportive but also show him he's the child and you're the parents. And yes, 16 year olds are still children, even if they're six foot tall.

VictoriaSpongePlease · 02/10/2022 18:32

Where was the other boys parents? Surely they should have stepped in and backed you up.

BTW the county lines thing. They run out of parks as well as other places. Kids hanging in parks as easy pickings for these people. It's not stupid for this to be on parents radar.

LivingMyBestLie · 02/10/2022 18:33

He has no respect for you.

When I was 16 I took risks but I'd never have messed my parents around or spoken to them like that.

This ISNT normal. You need to set better boundaries and consequences.

No allowance for months. No phone upgrade/trainer upgrade. A few weeks ban on any clubs you organise for him.

I'd come down hard, or else he will make some really poor decisions.

RueValens · 02/10/2022 18:38

eyeteevee · 02/10/2022 09:34

Sounds like normal teen behaviour to me. Of course Mumsnet has him running drugs. At 16 I knew where mine were, they needed to be contactable on their phones, but they had no curfews.

I knew where mine were at 16 too, it wasn't hanging round a park for 8 hours. That's absolutely not normal. One of mine worked every weekend and the other was in cadets and often away on activities or doing some volunteer work in the community.

It was normal 10 years ago when I was that age! We'd meet up at the park and listen to music and chat in the park, go to the local shops and buy food and drink, and just chill.

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