Advice please. Teenager went AWOL

[fizzypop100]

DS(16) was out all day today in the park from lunchtime. At 8pm he was still there, so I rang him to come home. He was assaulted and robbed in the park a few days ago and that's why we asked him not to be there after dark.
He said he was on his way (10 minute walk home) Didn't come back. Rang again and he said he was still on his way. Still not home and he texted to say I'm fine, don't worry. It got to 11pm, then midnight. Again a text, I'm fine. I rang him and heard a voice I recognised. A boy I have seen around but don't know. I walked round to the house and DS was there. I told DS I'd been really worried and he called me a stalker. He then told me loudly that he can do what he wants when he is 18. I said we are leaving now and asked him to follow on behind me to give him chance to say bye to the friend.
He didn't come back home.
AIBU ? To expect him to tell us if he had no intention of coming back.
I'm exhausted with him generally. Going to college and leaving after half an hour, not bothering you see his Nan anymore, dropped all his sports etc

Are you parenting by yourself?
To me it sounds like he was being brave in front of his friend, calling you a stalker & then refusing to come home.
He's definitely testing you.
You need to try get him to open up to you as well as set clear boundaries & consequences. It sounds to me like he possibly has too much freedom at the moment.

I think you’ve probably pushed too hard. So I understand where you are concerned after he was beat up, but if it wasn’t his fault, then you are punishing him for something he had no control over. (I think though it was probably a mutually provocation thing). Then you went around to his mates house. Of course he’s not going to follow you home. You essentially guaranteed that he would disobey you, you gave him now way to save face.

At his age his friends are more important than you are to him. Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s very true at the same time.

I really think you have to step back and figure out how to parent a young man/teen which is way different than an young teen.

It was normal 10 years ago when I was that age! We'd meet up at the park and listen to music and chat in the park, go to the local shops and buy food and drink, and just chill.

How did you fund the food and drink? Why did you not have anything more constructive to do?

Agreed. My parents were over zealous with curfews and I similarly hung around in parks and the town centre doing fuck all just for a sense of being free of them at any cost.

The last paragraph is what stands out for me. That's not normal for 16 year olds I know, yes, they want to see their mates and assert some independence, but they're still attending sixth form/college, playing sports, happy to do family activities like seeing grandparents. The only one I know who sounds a lot like your son, unfortunately was involved with county lines.
Your son may just be finding it difficult to focus on anything, but definitely keep those lines of communication open with him. Boys, especially, at that age are vulnerable to things like drugs, petty crime, gang culture etc. (And no, it's not just kids from deprived areas who end up getting sucked in.)

He doesn't ask me for anything. He ha no pocket money, just a kids debit card to buy food. He isn't at all materialistic. There isn't anything we can remove

firstly if he doesn’t want to go college ( which is fine) he needs to get a job or an apprenticeship. Part time/full time. He needs to do something he can’t just be out on the streets.

im going to be honest with you. If my parents turned up at my friends house unannounced to take me home. I would be extremely embarrassed and angry. You have to trust him OP. When he is 18 then there will be nothing you can do. What you should’ve done is told him to text you when he is ready to come home.

I don’t know you were at age OP. But I was just as worse. Started drinking at 14. The types of things I would see people taking at parties when I was in college 16-18 I can’t talk about on here. I can’t imagine my mum walking in on all that.

it you seriously felt he was unsafe you should’ve just called the police and gave them the address. It feels a lot more like your are trying to control him so of course you will get that response from a teenager.

yes the last paragraph to me is more important than him out doing whatever. Has he simply just grown out of those sorts of things. Are you worried about the group of friends you DS has got op?

Being attacked and being out until past 11pm without saying where he is, isn't normal teenager behaviour in my opinion. It's a dangerous step too far past normal teenage pushing back on authority.

If he doesn't want to be in college can you get him interested in an apprenticeship? He needs something that interests him, earns him some cash and is more fulfilling than hanging out in a park for hours and hours where he's already been mugged.

Where does the money on card for food come from?