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AIBU?

Trying to divorce an absolute animal

29 replies

Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:11

Separated in 2014, will not engage with me about this.
Paying mortgage on my own since 2014.
No maintenance although I have a court order.
History of domestic abuse, a conviction for this as he made a threat to kill.
Is there any way I can find out who his mortgage is with? Land registry?
He lives in the UK, I don't.
Would it be unreasonable of me to write to every mortgage provider in UK and give details of my mortgage here with him?
My mortgage has recently increased to 1347 per month, due to increase again to God knows what at the end of this month.
I'm working two jobs, normal day job and then four evenings one week and six the next on top.
I just can't go on.
We have three lovely children, 14, 15 and 16, he hasn't seen them since 2014, the day I asked him to leave.
Not even sure what I'm asking.

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Am I being unreasonable?

44 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
32%
You are NOT being unreasonable
68%
Testina · 01/10/2022 18:14

He’s clearly an arsehole but I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve here. What do you want U.K. mortgage providers to do with your non-U.K. mortgage details?

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CheezePleeze · 01/10/2022 18:14

Unfortunately GDPR would prevent them giving you any details.

Besides, if he's not interested in paying, I can't see anyone being able to make him.

It sounds awful.

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RichardsGear · 01/10/2022 18:15

I'm not sure I understand - do you pay the mortgage he took out? Surely you know which bank or building society you pay this to every month?

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Testina · 01/10/2022 18:15

You need to see a solicitor in the relevant legal jurisdiction, about how to force the divorce and financial settlement.

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Threelittlelambs · 01/10/2022 18:17

What are you asking to achieve here? How would finding his mortgage provider help?

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:18

I'm not asking for details, just want to make them aware that he possibly lied on his mortgage application. I'm assuming there's a question re having an existing mortgage?
He's lied. He gets away with everything. I'm so sick of it
He wants me to sell the house now, I just laughed and said it would be dealt with in our divorce if he'd like to crack on. Silence since.
I only recently got an address for him
Our divorce will make war of the roses look like an episode of Rosie and Jim.
He owes me in excess of 30k in maintenance plus mortgage payments since 2014.
I'm just so tired. So, so tired.

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SavingsThreads · 01/10/2022 18:20

But you're allowed more than one mortgage?

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:24

Yes, if course you're allowed more than one mortgage. When he applied for his, our current mortgage was massively in arrears as I was a sahm so he didn't pay the mortgage in the hope that we'd lose the house rather than me getting it in a split.
My life feels hopeless.

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user1471462428 · 01/10/2022 18:28

Does he have a pension that you know of? Maybe ask your solicitor to try and get some of your money back from his pension. What does he think your kids survive on fresh air. Fucking dimwit.

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mivona · 01/10/2022 18:30

You may be able to find the mortgage lender from purchasing the Land Registry information from here, using the address information you have: www.gov.uk/government/organisations/land-registry

I would contact a lawyer about the possibility of getting a lien against his house for back child-support. You may also find this link useful: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad

The US has a reciprocal enforcement of maintenance orders, so if you have a legal agreement that he was to pay, you may be able to get the money taken from his wages and paid to you as an ongoing matter

Good luck.

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:32

@mivona thank you very much, this is very helpful.

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balalake · 01/10/2022 18:32

Seek advice, you are not in the UK and I don't know how that affects the legal position.

He's not an animal, they behave better than he does.

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mathanxiety · 01/10/2022 18:34

You are barking up the wrong tree. Nobody is going to care that your H lied on a mortgage application. Stop wasting energy on this issue.

You need to file for divorce. Check for jurisdiction and file in the appropriate one, UK or where you are now with the children. I suspect where you are now is the place to file, if that's where you lived while married.

Your H can be divorced in absentia if he doesn't respond or if he can't be found. You have the DV conviction to prove irrevocable breakdown if that is an issue. Abandonment is also proof.

You can investigate whether you can take out a lien on his current residence if he has bought it. You can investigate if it's possible to apply to have his wages garnished to get your child support. You will need to hire a lawyer.

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AnightwiththeTiger · 01/10/2022 18:35

If he’s still on the mortgage and the deeds and you’ve been paying, I think he still may have a right to a share of the equity in the house. You NEED to speak to a solicitor, urgently.

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:38

@user1471462428 yes, he has a pension but I'm not sure who with. Years ago I remember he had a pension with Canada Life I think.
He's a slippery fish and will have done his best to hide his money.
He's living a wonderful life while I struggle and pace my kitchen floor at night wondering how I'm going to stay on top of everything.
My mortgage recently increased by 140 per month based on the recent interest rate increase of .5%. end of this month I'm going to be hot with a further increase of .75% so god knows where I'll end up.
That's why I'm asking if a person can be forced to pay their half of the mortgage.
Mortgage is currently 1347 per month and that's just interest.
He won't engage with me about selling it.
I'm high and dry.

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Threelittlelambs · 01/10/2022 18:38

He will have a right to the share from before he left but not necessarily after - plus with kids he should’ve been paying maintenance.

Being married also leaves you open to issues should one of you die -

You need to sort this legally - as it’s been years are you sure he hasn’t mellowed a bit towards you?

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RandomMess · 01/10/2022 18:39

If he has a house in the UK can't you put a charge against it as an interested party because you are still married which makes it potentially a marital asset?

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FrippEnos · 01/10/2022 18:41

you need to get divorced, it doesn't matter that he won't engage and it may benefit you in the long run.

but get the ball rolling and find out where you stand, as it could be if he tries to get a huge chunk of your home you could go after his as a bargaining chip.

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:41

@mathanxiety I hadn't thought if it was even possible to take out a lien on his current residence so that's worth looking into.
I contacted a UK based solicitor on Friday re maintenance so hopefully they come back to me with good news.

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Elieza · 01/10/2022 18:46

You need urgent legal advice now.

Roughly speaking, if married you both own half the properties and half the debt.

ie if he doesn’t pay stuff you get held liable for your half. Even if it’s say a holiday caravan you know nothing about that he bought after you stopped seeing each other. They can come after you demanding money.

Already he is due half of the house you’ve paid thousands for alone already. Even though he’s never paid since 2014.

However much it costs for legal advice (and it could be free) it will be worth it to get proper advice. You don’t have to do what they say or use them to do the divorce. But at least you’ll know your rights. Especially if bailiffs turn up at your door!

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Mooossssif · 01/10/2022 18:49

Do a king reg search for £3 with HMLR it will tell you if a bank has a charge on the property

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 18:51

@Mooossssif thanks for that

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typicalmner · 01/10/2022 18:54

Good luck OP

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Tippexy · 01/10/2022 18:56

Download the title deeds from Land Registry for about £3.50 and it will tell you who the mortgage is with.

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Smileeriley · 01/10/2022 19:02

@Tippexy thank you, just tried to do it but my request was rejected 😭

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