Family/Friends haven't come to see first baby after almost 5months

[BabyOnBoard90]

Pretty much as title suggests. I have people who previously I would have referred to as my closest friends, have never come to see my baby. Since baby was born we haven't had as much support at one would have hoped.

Understandably it's our child, thus our responsibility but it's hard not to feel somewhat disappointed. I had an emergency C-section and was sent home 2days later. DH and I have been somewhat alone and figuring out ourselves since then. From giving the first baths to understanding every cry we've been pretty alone. It doesn't help that our baby is particularly fussy.

My Mum is a 30min train away but has only visited a couple times. Sister 15years older has only come couple times at 5months. I saw how much my mum supported her with her children, and I also helped out significantly-but in comparison I've been essentially left to myself.

My (ex)best friend lives 30min drive away, hasn't seen baby once.

DH has had it even worse with family/friends. His MUM works as midwife 15mins away from where we live in the same hospital baby was born. She hasn't seen baby since it was a WEEK OLD, nor has she called to check in. Not sure what her issue is, but DH doesn't have wherewithal to deal with familial dramas now he's a parent.

All DH close friends don't live far, but after 5 months, only 2/6 have seen baby -they were groomsmen at wedding a year prior. One friend, who he previously considered a best friend, literally lives a 20mins drive away (London) hasn't met baby, and keeps suggesting to meet up with the flakiest approach (e.g. taking days to respond to confirm a day).

We have tried not to be entitled because we accept it was our decision to bring a child into the world. So I guess I'm just venting here to see if "we are being unreasonable "?

Because no one has come by to support, we haven't been away from baby as a couple at 5months - only we know how to manage/settle baby. My mum came by for first time in months last week, and she didn't know how to settle baby - bearing in mind she's had 6kids and 6 grandkids! I'm her youngest child.

On top of all this, close aunties/uncles haven't come by either.

Just to be clear, I've tried to be open and honest with family that things have been difficult but it hasn't really provoked any support.

So in a nutshell, AIBU and or do I have cause for disappointment?

I'm pretty sure I never saw most of my friends again after baby. I was the first of the group to have a baby and was ill during pregnancy and obvs not out drinking so it dropped off before.

I'd be disappointed in your closest family tho, I'd have thought the grandparents would be interested at least. Altho that doesn't necessarily equate to support.

Ask your friends if they want to meet for coffee but do remember they may have no interest in baby other than politely asking how you're getting on.

The responses are partly why I was hesitant at posting. I don't want to be or come across as entitled to people's time. But it seems pretty split on the poll, so I guess it depends how one views it.

Naturally there is additional context I could add but for sake of anonymity and saving people from reading my biography - I decided to leave out.

That said, thank you all for your responses. I guess I'll just have to soldier on and deal with it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be at least disappointed that their mothers are not keen or prioritising seeing their first child. The discussion around mum and Dad being responsible for the baby is neither here nor there. I think its okay to feel upset that people she loves and cares about seem to have no interest in seeing probably one of the biggest milestones of her life.

Really sorry to hear you haven't been supported during this time. Support from your "village" makes all the difference in my opinion.

Have you had some kind of falling out that wasn't resolved with any of these people? Or have you been there to support others when they've had huge life events? I'm not saying you haven't bit just trying to work out why they're being like this. Or could it be that they don't like babies very much?

Either way, I would recommend getting yourself some new friends!

Aww OP some of these responses are unnecessarily harsh. Of course YANBU for feeling the way you do. I think most people would feel disappointed in their mum/MIL’s lack of interest and I suspect this is the main issue. I wouldn’t think too much of your friends not visiting. Most of my friends have only seen my DC when I’ve visited them or organised a lunch or similar and taken the DC with us. Maybe you could be a little bit more proactive with the people you want in your babies life by taking charge with organising stuff to do/visits?

I think local baby groups will be your way forward if I'm honest. Clearly your family and friends have decided either they don't want to hang out with you and your baby (their loss) or were so keen not to intrude they feel rejected. Potentially some of those relationships might be salvageable but only if you can be bothered.

If it's any help, I think we managed a couple of hours out together at about 8months. We generally get an evening out a year and one friend is prepared to have both children for a night so she's given us 2 nights in a hotel over the last 13 yrs.

Things are changing now that we can leave the 11yo home alone for an hour or so. This morning DH and I ran our first race together. It was ace, but it has been 13 yrs....

I'm not sure why the vote is so close, tbh. I feel so sorry for you. I didn't expect as much fuss when I'd had a few kids, but the FIRST?
As pp's have said, baby groups etc will hopefully be good, make new friends with people you have things in common with (babies!)
Also - Christmas is approaching. I hope you & DH don't have any idea about travelling to any of these so-called friends & family. Or buying much in the way of gifts. I am truly sad on your behalf. Hugs.. xx

I can honestly say I have been there to recognise and support people's major life events. I often went out of my way to support people to my own detriment. BUT I accept that was my decision, I can't expect people to do the same as me. I have no idea what they may be dealing with in their personal lives.

Thanks to several posts providing encouraging words and support. The suggestion of baby groups has come up frequently so I certainly start looking for some.

I haven't voted as I can't help thinking there must be some back story here like you said you wanted time alone after the birth .
Maybe you had a tense relationship previously ?
It just seems incredibly unlikely to me that no relation and no friend have visited in 5 months. Yes, anyone can have a flakey friend, or a disinterested Aunty but to suggest that no-one you know has wanted to see their new grandchild / niece or nephew / friend's baby / cousin (I know my dc couldn't wait to see their baby cousins when they arrived, even though mine are a lot older than their cousins) seems unlikely to me.

I'd like to hear this from what everyone else is saying.

Oh, that's not how the bod / italics was supposed to go

I feel for you OP, it sounds like a difficult/lonely time and I’m sorry you’ve not had the support/experience you were hoping for.

One of my close friends had a baby last year and even before the baby was born they were ‘setting boundaries’ and asking people not to come for x number of weeks because they wanted to be in their bubble, and then when we could visit they didn’t always want to let us hold the baby etc so we definitely stepped back, in comparison to other friends who have had babies, and that friend is now wondering why her child doesn’t have the same bond with us that our other friends children do.
I’m not at all suggesting that this is what happened with you, but I think sometimes people can be wary of not wanting to intrude/get in the way and they go too far the other way. I hope that things pick up soon for you and that you’re able to spend more time with your friends and family x

I don't think you are unreasonable at all in being disappointed people haven't visited . Even if people aren't massive fans of baby they should visit and share your excitement surely .

I wish i could say there was some major drama that occurred leading up go this point, but there hasn't been any. No big arguments with friends or family.

DH and I both derive from cultures where its pretty normal to have your house busy with visitors when you have a new baby. We have complicated families but tbh who doesn't?

I can't technically say MIL has never seen baby, she did the first week, which was 4/5months ago. She drives and lives in the same Borough, this is her first grandchild.

I'm not trying to guilt people into treating my child as the second coming of Christ. Just disappointed is all - and guess I just wanted to a sense check that it's normal to feel as such.

I feel really sad for you OP and completely understand why you are feeling down about it, especially the lack of family visiting. Of course no one is obligated to visit but it would be lovely if they wanted to! I love spending time with my nieces & nephews and my daughter loves to tell me how her eldest cousin is her most favourite person in the world (try not to take that one personally!)
I also remember how isolating the early baby days can be so even just someone popping round just for a half hour can make a big difference! Sorry it’s worked out this way for you, definitely get booked into some baby classes as I made some really good mum friends that way. And just remember these times if any of your family members come knocking for a kidney one day 😂

Invite them, set a date and see what happens.

In the meantime seek out some friends etc.

If you want people to visit, you need to use your words and actively invite them. Many people are just not of the "randomly invite myself" type. They need a structured invitation to come, and that needs to come from you.

But otherwise... for things like settling your baby, learning its cries etc... That's on you. - Thousands of generations of parents have had to do it on their own, as a couple. That's your business. You can't, and shouldn't, expect to have someone there to hold your hand through every little thing.

I know how you feel op. When my brother and his wife had their first child I was on hand, supported them, looked after their child from date dot even enabling them to go away for a long weekend when baby was 6 weeks old, babysat weekly, helped out with housework when SIL had pnd etc etc 12 years later I have my first child and I got told ‘we don’t do visiting’ no support, no visits, nothing.
I hate all this ‘you chose to have a baby, you’re on your own’ crap No wonder MH issues are on the increase! Thankfully I have my dad to offer practical support (My kids are a lot older now) and my sister offers emotional support from the other side of the world as I do to her with her child. We are interested in our family.
OP you are not being unreasonable at all.
I would make a date and a time and invite people over. See who turns up.
Society is becoming more fragmented and it is not nice to see.

Sounds really hard. I'm sorry. My family and friends were over the moon. (Just saying your f&f reaction is not always the case). We also invited a lot of them over so they knew when to come and not feel like they were imposing/intruding, but I guess we assumed people would want to see the baby? Can you go visit them a bit now you have hopefully recovered?

Did you ask people not to visit for the first few weeks so you could bond with the baby and they have somehow taken the hump and decided not to come until specifically invited?

How often did you see people before you had the baby? I don't think infrequent visitors are going to suddenly wanting to start coming all the time just because you've had a child. When my close friends had babies I went to see the baby once out of politeness, but I really had no interest in it, and didn't bother again. (And actually DD has just seen one of my friends for the second time ever this week - the first time was when she was 2 weeks old and she's now 16!)

I'm sorry OP, this sounds really upsetting. My first thought was that maybe your friends don't have children themselves because I honestly think it's easy to not understand or be interested when you haven't had your own but I see now that your best friend is also a mother. Sometimes it's difficult to know how much space someone needs after the birth but I'd always text friends saying I can't wait to meet baby once things settle down and to let me know if I can do anything to help. I follow up with a quick text every 1-2 weeks to see how things are going for them.

The uninterested grandparents is the worst part of your story, that's really sad and awful for you.

I don't think it's odd that your mum doesn't know how to settle the baby, she doesn't know him/her. I would struggle to settle someone else's baby.

If you have said things have been difficult perhaps people are waiting for an invite and trying to keep out of your way as you have said it is difficult.

I wondered this.

My friend has recently had a baby, who I've met once. I've also said to her to let me know if she wants me to pop over at any point for some support & company. She hasn't mention it as yet so I'm waiting for her to suggest when is a good time. I'd be upset if she then started posting saying I'm deliberately ignoring her baby!

Sounds like mine and dh's family with our kids. Yanbu. Tbh I don't think I'll ever understand it so I try to ignore it now as it really upsets me otherwise. I had an amazing relationship with both sets of grandparents as did DH, our parents benefitted massively from their support. Our kids won't ever have that sort of relationship and we won't ever get the sort of childcare support or anything else that they received from their parents.