Feeling hurt by best friend

[emevol]

I'm well aware that it could be me being unreasonable, but I'm hoping for some guidance, please.

I have known my best friend for almost 13 years now. We have been inseparable for the entire time. We'd do everything together, seal all the time.. I've helped her through many awful things and she's been there through many of my harder times, too.

She moved house at the start of the year. I helped her move in, decorate.. I was actually the one who found the house for her, contacted the seller and got the ball rolling for her as she was in such a low place at the time.

Fast forward a few months she the next door neighbour (around our age) is being mentioned more and more. Absolutely fine I thought - it's great if you can get on with your neighbours! I'm happy for her.

Fast forward to now, and I have been almost completely dropped / forgotten about. I'm aware of how silly this sounds - but bare with me.

We no longer make plans, go out.. we barely ever talk unless I'm the one making the effort first. I feel like all I do is check up on her, make sure she's okay.. it all feels so incredibly one sided and I'm just feeling really hurt.

The neighbour is posting several images weekly of them both with varying captions including 'my best friend' etc etc. why am I feeling so hurt by this!! I'm a grown woman 😫 I am well aware that I give my whole heart to those I love with no reservations, but I'm not receiving the same back and it's upsetting. Sure it's fine to have other friends!!!!! It isn't even that. I just feel so hurt.

On my wedding day a month or so ago, my friend didn't get us a card, literally nothing. I paid a fortune for the dress, hair, makeup.. everything for her on the day and we didn't receive even a card in return.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I just have that constant sick / hurt feeling and I hate it. Do I just call it quits?

I personally wouldn’t confront her about it as it’s probably too late now to go back to how you were and it could just end up feeling awkward. I would stop instigating any contact as that would give you a good indication as to whether she wants to keep up the friendship. If she doesn’t contact you then unfortunately you will have to cut your losses and seek friendship elsewhere. If you’re not careful you will end up being her ‘fall back’ friend whenever her new neighbour isn’t available. It’s very upsetting when a close friendship ends or cools off when it’s not mutual but it’s always a good idea to not rely too much on just one friend. Good luck and I’m sorry this has happened, it’s not nice 💐

From what you’ve said the neighbour sounds pretty overbearing. I wonder if there’s an element of control going on in their new friendship and your friend (who you’ve suggested is mentally vulnerable) has been drawn in to an unhealthy degree. Perhaps a stretch, but might help to explain why this side of her character is only just emerging.

I would write her a letter. Get everything out on paper, say exactly how you feel - so dropped and used by her. Read it a few times over the next couple of weeks. If you still feel angry and upset, post it to her. She may not read it, but at least you’ll have told her. Disgusting of her to treat you so badly. Don’t ever give that much of yourself to anyone ever again. Trust me, no-one is ever worth that much effort.

It is a completely normal reaction to be so hurt by this - the intensity and exclusivity of your friendship sounds more like a romantic relationship, and she is effectively having a wild affair and keeping you hanging on for dregs.

I wonder how much of this intensity was driven by her? She likes having friendships like that and now she has a new shiny one to enjoy - and is thinking nothing of your feelings. As for her new friend tagging her as bestie - presumably you're all 30+ now? Bit grim/immature?

Maybe she is showing her true colours now? Time to move on gracefully. I would try and do something lovely with your husband(?) today and make and effort to NOT mention her, just enjoy each other and some different surroundings.

Kindly OP, you really need to step away.

She is no longer a close friend and I doubt she ever was to behave like this.

You gave too much and she took.

You need to find your self respect desperately.

Stop contacting her at all.

Assume the friendship is over.

Focus ALL your energies on exploring local opportunities to meet people.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to learn about self respect and boundaries.

Giving to someone endlessly with no real return is not being a good friend, its being foolish.

You sound like a nice person but you need to find your self respect.

Do not waste any more time sitting around mooning over a friend who could care less.

Focus on making other social connections, focus on yourself, not her.

Pour your energy into that.

A nice woman like you will make other friends but having boundaries is important in life.

Good luck.

She's a user. She's sacked you dry and now she's moved on to someone else. Please value yourself more and step away from her, in fact I'd actually recommend you block her altogether.

*sucked!

I would be upset too if I had invested so much into a friendship.
I honestly think you should step away . Don't delete her on SM , just unfollow her so you don't have to look at the posts of her and her new"bestie" cast your net wider for friendship, and who knows if she dumps her new bestie maybe the 2 of you dumpees could become friends!!

@emevol why do you think your child has ASD? How old are they?
If you decide against an assessment then you need to carefully consider how they will get the support to reach their potential both as a child and into adulthood. The protective factors we gave around us as children start to fall away as we become teens then adults and life inevitably becomes more challenging.

It possibly sounds as if you were useful when she needed you. But she’s found someone else to fill that spot and you’re no longer useful. This does sound very playground. Funnily enough it happened to me when I was at school. My inseparable bestie went off with a shiny new friend, who moved to the school when we were about 14. It really does hurt.

For your own mental health, you need to leave her be and sit with that. You have other friends even if they aren’t best friends and it is better to have a larger number of not so close friends than a bestie. Every time I’ve had a really close friend, it hasn’t lasted tbh. Mine as an adult was mainly when I moved (have moved a few times as an adult) and they made no effort to keep in contact with me, which was baffling considering how close we were each time. Maybe they found it too hard to keep in contact with me and found it easier to replace me. Idk.

I was in the complete same position, went from best friend to not seeing/texting as much all on the friends behalf as she found other friends. And it was hurtful. You might want to talk to her about it, I did and was told yeah you're my best friend still bla bla. But actions said otherwise so i just came to accept this person was not my best friend anymore and that they were no longer going to be prioritised as before.

I know it is shit but know your self worth, the fact she chucked you to the side says alot. If I learnt anything it is to give as much as you recieve. Try spending time with other people and keep that little distance. You deserve better.

Your story has so many similarities to my own.

Best of friends for about 13 years before things changed. She met a new friend and re-connected with a cousin. She started to show little interest in me. I would get one word answers and when i asked if she wanted to do something she would write back saying.. yeah i suppose. We fell pregnant at same time and she seemed to hate that. I attended a funeral to support her and she barely acknowledged me. She then made her new friends MOH amd bridesmaids and by that point the friendship was over. We haven't spoken in 7 years.

I think, if you word it carefully, you won't look any of the things you think you will. Such as, I feel our friendship is drifting apart, I am upset at the thought of it, not sure where it has went wrong etc.

I never done that but tbh she treated me like shit in the last couple of years of friendship and 7 years on, I wouldn't want her in my life now with the way she treated me. I was her only friend for many years and she dropped my very quickly. That hurt.

I know it hurts and I'm sorry you are going through it. I hope you are ok.

Gone through similar myself recently OP and what I'd say is ... when you know, you go.

I made the mistake of asking for a conversation for 'closure' and ended up getting the most vile, hateful and vitriolic email in return. So don't confront her is my advice. She knows exactly what she's doing. Just cut your losses and disengage with dignity.

It hurts. I've been there. I'm still there sometimes but every day gets a little easier.

Op I had the same thing only my xbff did it with people she’d known about 30 something years. She’d not been in touch with them for a while, maybe saw them at Xmas if at all. Then she suddenly found social media and reconnected with them. She was very anti-SM so it was a surprise. I thought it was great as I knew she needed more ‘friends’ in her life than just me and I encouraged her to build up her friendships with those people. I never in a million years expected her to push me out and I can honestly say she broke my heart. I was totally gutted. She’s now dumped me because she thinks I slagged her off and I 100% didn’t so obviously she didn’t think much of me at all and just saw me as a convenience to help her out when she needed it (a lot). I also have no other friends and spend a lot of time alone now. So I completely get your sadness op but I have nothing useful to say other than consider where you want to go now as it may be time for your friendship to slide away, which can be very sad and upsetting but you will come out the other side, with or without your friend.

Dosent mean they won't have a fallout at some time.
Don't look at Facebook then you won't know. Move on and enjoy your life.

I understand that pain its so upsetting and confusing bit sounds like you need to accept the friendship you had is gone and after today do you want to give her more chances to hurt you?

Just reached this point. She's trying to phase you out. You're not taking the very big hints.

The call from the neighbour on your hen do will have been planned in advance to give her an "escape" out.

Stop jumping to her every need. Let her go. See if she comes back. Unlikely but at least you'll know if you do have any friendship left.

The fact your username is "loveme" makes me think you are too needy for her and she wants a more fun, less intense type of friend now. That's not your fault but you need to read the signals or she will ghost you totally.

One of those situations where you gave more than she was prepared to. You are not unreasonable to feel hurt - it does hurt, a lot, but she has done nothing wrong either.

I have been in both ends of this. I’ve put a lot into a friendship and ended up feeling exactly as you do- betrayed, while also rationally knowing that we never have claim over another person’s time and affections and to be hurt is unreasonable.

Then, I’ve also been in a situation where a friend has voluntarily gone out of her way over again to be nice to me - and grateful thought I am, I never asked it of her and cannot provide the same level of dedication and energy in return. She’s no doubt hurt by this, but such is life, we all have finite time and have to make our own decisions about how to spend it.

Your are being unreasonable, but you have my full sympathy.

Just read the thread and seen this. You are far too reliant on her and she knows it.

If I knew friends were organising their lives around my schedule I would run for the hills I’m sorry. It's too much pressure to be made responsible for somebody else’s happiness and daily plans in this way.

You need to get out there and make more friends and fill your time with other things. Learn to be happy without her. It will be an equal situation then, and you may be able to rekindle the friendship at a level you are both comfortable with.

Ok, she sounds quite flaky. You however sound massively over involved and enmeshed in her life. That does not sound like a healthy friendship. Do you have low self esteem? It sounds like it, over delivering to that extent puts you in a place where your expectations around reciprocation are super high, she opts out (perhaps healthily so) and you get devastated. Instead of thinking about how awful she is maybe do some work on yourself around bounaries and self esteem?

Very good call, @Jellywobblescobbles
I was going to suggest the exact same thing.
@emevol - writing things down in the form of a letter can be VERY cathartic.
You would be doing this for yourself to get your feelings, thoughts, and emotions out and on paper, and as Jelly.... says, you can then choose whether to send it or not.
I do believe that the end of a friendship can be just as devastating as the end of a lovers' relationship, and your feelings are valid and nothing to be ashamed of.

She is a user OP. Get rid as she doesn't value your friendship. You deserve better and I would definitely would not follow her on social media.
You sound like a decent friend and the way she treated you at your Wedding wasn't nice.
If she wants to cool off your friendship then she should tell you. I would just back off and start living your life. Friendship should made you happy, not miserable. You really don't need her.

She used you when she needed you.

She doesn't need you now.

Unfriend the neighbour at the very least, that info is hurting you.

Just let her fade away. Don't make any effort. If she misses you, she'll get in touch and maybe you can start an even, fair friendship. But she has to make the effort without you nudging.

Do grown ups really call each other ‘bestie’ 🙈

Seriously though, for your own mental health I think you need to hide her posts on SM. She doesn’t value the friendship in the same way you do, it’s over stop chasing her and try build new friendships.

Op I have had a difficult year friendship wise and relative wise in that I've realised I've been in a pattern of behaviour where I've been trying so hard to create new friends where I now live I've been overgiving to everyone and it hasn't really led to great friendships more like imbalanced situationships! In the past couple of months I've taken a step back and really realised the above and let most people go and am focussing on myself and my family without many social events which I normally would have arranged... and despite feeling a bit upset to begin with I am starting to feel so much better in myself, less expectations, less anxiety, more energy, focussing on me and the business more and just trying to be my own best friend. A lot of disappointments led me to this drastic behaviour but I am actually grateful to them now because I can see I needed to make some changes re boundaries and expectations. Also I'm no longer giving my energy and time to the wrong people. Just wanted to share this in case it helps you.