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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so annoyed that I’m shit for asking for money back

33 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 01/10/2022 12:46

We recently downsized our home from a 5 bed to a 3 bed - we originally bought 5 bed as we planned to have a large family and after 2 kids realised that would be a bonkers plan 😂 so house got too big and cost waaaay too much to heat and maintain, we were skint every month as a result. So now have a soon-to-be-lovely 3 bed - and we came away with a bit of money because of this, we were lucky to sell when prices were high and bought when they dipped a bit. Anyway, people who know us know that we will have walked away with money because obviously both houses were advertised publicly. We are using the bulk of this money to renovate the new house.

We had 3 people since the sale asking us for loans.
My mum asked for £1,000 to get out her (arranged) overdraft
My BIL asked for £500 to pay his DD’s school fee arrears
My (adult) niece has lost a lot of weight and asked for £250 towards clothes as hers don’t fit her anymore.

We decided to gift the niece the money and said that’s her Birthday and Xmas present (we are v close to her so didn’t mind).

We agreed to the other 2 loans and the proviso that they absolutely would be paid back as it’s still a lot! BIL agreed he’d pay the £500 today and mum £250pcm from today for 4 months.

Sent them both bank details and BIL has just plain old ignored me and so has my mum, but has continued to message about other things.

I am honestly confident and upfront, I have a job that requires me to be so, but I’m so fucking awkward when it comes to money and asking for money. Even if it’s owed to me! Its my worst trait. Any advice on asking for it back without being rude - both BIL and mum are sensitive AF and may be probe to flouncing if I take the wrong tone.

And before anyone says it I know we probably shouldn’t have lent it out but we genuinely wanted to help our families, and I don’t like to be ungenerous.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 01/10/2022 12:52

Hmmm, if you are fully aware how awkward you are about this, I don’t think you should have lent it out.

I have honestly never been asked for money by anyone other than my own kids. I would have no qualms about saying no though!

Sent them both bank details and BIL has just plain old ignored me and so has my mum, but has continued to message about other things.

I guess if today was the agreed payment date, I’d send them both another message today.

MiddleParking · 01/10/2022 12:55

And before anyone says it I know we probably shouldn’t have lent it out but we genuinely wanted to help our families, and I don’t like to be ungenerous.

Well I guess you’ve spent £1750 on what you want and like then? I don’t know what useful advice anyone could really give you here.

missbipolar · 01/10/2022 12:56

Never lend money your not prepared to lose. Its a hard lesson to learn

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 01/10/2022 12:58

If BIL is in arrears with school fees he doesn’t sound like he’s the best with money and possibly living beyond means (unless there’s a back story). If he’s ignoring us say there’s a good chance he hasn’t got the money to pay you back: same with your mum potentially.

Could your husband contact them? Or could you tell them you need the money for something?

tbh I’d say it’s unlikely you will get this money back, so you either need to keep pushing for it relentlessly until you get in, and possibly have them go in the huff with you or write it off.

but don’t lend money again, esp not for new clothes and school fees or to pay off existing debt.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2022 12:58

Have they actually failed to pay on their agreed schedules yet, or just not acknowledged the bank details?

Winter2020 · 01/10/2022 13:00

As it's your mum and other family and relatively small amounts I would leave it to be honest. But no further loans as these weren't paid back so they have burned their bridges as far as borrowing from you.

Eeiliethya · 01/10/2022 13:01

This is why I only gift and don't loan to family because I hate having to ask for my own money back.

They're being cheeky fuckers.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2022 13:03

If your mum could comfortably afford a £250pcm repayment schedule then she’d have already paid off her overdraft herself.

If BIL needed £500 arrears, he’s unlikely to have £500 spare this month.

I’d individually check in with each of them today and tell your BIL if he can’t afford £500 this month he can split it over 2 months. I’d say the same to your mum offering to drop the repayments to £175.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 01/10/2022 13:03

Yabu to be such a doormat
.

LivingMyBestLie · 01/10/2022 13:04

I would have leant your mum money, but not BIL. No way would I be funding someone's private schooling.

Anyway, you need to be upfront. We learnt money to in-laws (thousands) and it took them years to pay it back and they only ended up doing so by working it back rather than paying.

"Mum, sorry to be a pain but I need the £250 back tomorrow please. Are you transferring it or shall I pop round for the cash?"

"BIL, how's it going with the £500? I haven't heard from you about it. Happy to pop round tomorrow night to get it in cash if easier. Let me know, or is it better to contact SIL?"

itwasntmetho · 01/10/2022 13:04

I'd wait and see if they make the transfers today.

Hotandbothereds · 01/10/2022 13:05

Is there an agreed monthly payment date? If not set one, and message them every month when it’s due.

If the money doesn’t arrive on set day I’d message again saying you haven’t received it.

Dont let it slide from the start or you’ll never get it back.

BlackberryCat · 01/10/2022 13:07

I don’t like to be ungenerous.

It's not really that generous to loan someone money though. I would never expect family to pay me back.

I agree with a PP who said they probably don't have the money.

Musti · 01/10/2022 13:08

The problem is that for them to be in that situation is because they’re living outside of their means so unlikely to have the money. If it was an unexpected bill or something then fair enough.

im not sure you’ll see the money back. Maybe ask for it back in smaller amounts?

PanPacificBallroomChampion · 01/10/2022 13:09

They could have set up a standing order for 1st of the month and as today is Saturday it will leave their account on Monday. I’d wait until the 3rd before I said anything.

mamabear715 · 01/10/2022 13:09

I agree with @missbipolar tbh.. I'd love to say you'll get it back & still be a happy, close family, BUT.. as pp's have said, if BIL & Mum could have got themselves straight, they would have done, without your help.
Still.. save on Christmas & birthday pressies, because I wouldn't be looking at anything over a tenner for the forseeable future.. :-(

mamabear715 · 01/10/2022 13:10

Isn't it shit, though, that we make decisions to save our OWN family some money, & then everyone pops out of the woodwork? I DO feel for you..

Dacadactyl · 01/10/2022 13:11

I think YABU in some ways but NBU in others.

My rule is that I don't lend people more than I can afford to lose. I would be annoyed if I thought someone was being a CF tho.

For instance, if I know full well they are in a worse situation than we are, I would never ask for it back but would NEVER lend to them again.

If I knew they could afford to pay me back, I would ask them a few times and then cut them off if they never paid me back.

Original poster
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 01/10/2022 13:12

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2022 12:58

Have they actually failed to pay on their agreed schedules yet, or just not acknowledged the bank details?

It was today they were meant to both pay and I messaged first thing and had absolutely nothing.

Id rather they said ‘I can’t pay it’ than just ignore me

OP posts:
ScreamingInfidelities · 01/10/2022 13:13

Winter2020 · 01/10/2022 13:00

As it's your mum and other family and relatively small amounts I would leave it to be honest. But no further loans as these weren't paid back so they have burned their bridges as far as borrowing from you.

Since when is £1500 a small amount?

Pompom2367 · 01/10/2022 13:15

I would message them again explaining you need the first payment today as you have plans for the money

floorida · 01/10/2022 13:15

tbh I would leave it as it will likely cause rows.

floorida · 01/10/2022 13:15

and not lend anymore

Shinyandnew1 · 01/10/2022 13:16

It was today they were meant to both pay and I messaged first thing and had absolutely nothing.

But you mentioned that your mum has messages about other things? Don’t answer them and say, ‘did you get my message about the money? Will you be paying the first instalment today?’

If that is ignored then ring them.

Have you even lent them money before? Was it paid back promptly?

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2022 13:17

If follow up your message to offer to reduce the payments, as I said.