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AIBU?

To be so annoyed that I’m shit for asking for money back

33 replies

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 01/10/2022 12:46

We recently downsized our home from a 5 bed to a 3 bed - we originally bought 5 bed as we planned to have a large family and after 2 kids realised that would be a bonkers plan 😂 so house got too big and cost waaaay too much to heat and maintain, we were skint every month as a result. So now have a soon-to-be-lovely 3 bed - and we came away with a bit of money because of this, we were lucky to sell when prices were high and bought when they dipped a bit. Anyway, people who know us know that we will have walked away with money because obviously both houses were advertised publicly. We are using the bulk of this money to renovate the new house.

We had 3 people since the sale asking us for loans.
My mum asked for £1,000 to get out her (arranged) overdraft
My BIL asked for £500 to pay his DD’s school fee arrears
My (adult) niece has lost a lot of weight and asked for £250 towards clothes as hers don’t fit her anymore.

We decided to gift the niece the money and said that’s her Birthday and Xmas present (we are v close to her so didn’t mind).

We agreed to the other 2 loans and the proviso that they absolutely would be paid back as it’s still a lot! BIL agreed he’d pay the £500 today and mum £250pcm from today for 4 months.

Sent them both bank details and BIL has just plain old ignored me and so has my mum, but has continued to message about other things.

I am honestly confident and upfront, I have a job that requires me to be so, but I’m so fucking awkward when it comes to money and asking for money. Even if it’s owed to me! Its my worst trait. Any advice on asking for it back without being rude - both BIL and mum are sensitive AF and may be probe to flouncing if I take the wrong tone.

And before anyone says it I know we probably shouldn’t have lent it out but we genuinely wanted to help our families, and I don’t like to be ungenerous.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

64 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
Hotandbothereds · 01/10/2022 13:21

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 01/10/2022 13:12

It was today they were meant to both pay and I messaged first thing and had absolutely nothing.

Id rather they said ‘I can’t pay it’ than just ignore me

I would message them again, with your bank details & say ‘just resending my bank details for the payment, it hasn’t arrived yet, it’s going through today as agreed isn’t it?’

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FruitPastilleNut · 01/10/2022 13:27

I think yabu op.

Regardless of whether you should have lent them money and whether they were CF for asking, lend it you did.

The agreed repayment date is today. There's a lot of today left.

If someone lent me money until a specified date, whilst I'd be grateful for it, I'd be a bit 🙄 at being chased for it 'first thing' on the date agreed. It's unnecessary and rightly or wrongly would probably irritate me.

I think it's likely that's what's happened tbh and the reason you've had no reply to your 'first thing' message.

Chill your beans. Like I said, there's a lot of today left so no need to instigate WW3 just yet.

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MrsTumblebee · 01/10/2022 13:29

OP, Can’t you just consider the money to your mum as a helping hand from you?

And the 500. If it’s your husbands brother that owes the money then let him decide whether it will be paid back or not.

I would never have seen my mum struggling.

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MrsTumblebee · 01/10/2022 13:30

There's a lot of today left.

Yes.

The way the Op has gone about it today is just so bloody distasteful.

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Winter2020 · 01/10/2022 13:33

ScreamingInfidelities · Today 13:1

Since when is £1500 a small amount?

In the context of having sold a house and bought a new one with money left over and in the context if it's not an amount worth falling out with your mum over. BIL it's debateable whether it's worth falling out over but as he was in arrears on school fees he clearly has money troubles and is unlikey to have the money to pay you (if he did he would have paid the fees).

I disagree with the OP that because people can see what they bought a house for and sold one for thst they know she has money. Unless she told them the size of her mortgage could easily have swapped a big mortgage for a smaller one with no cash left. I suggest on further requests for money OP says there is no spare money or it's committed to renovations/kitchen been ordered etc.

I know all families are different and have different histories with money but I wouldn't fall out with my mum over £1000 - not if I thought she didn't have it - and the fact it was for her overdraft which she paid off suggests she doesn't have it. If she had spare money she wouldn't have been overdrawn or needed help to pay it off.

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dottiedodah · 01/10/2022 13:46

I think lending to family is often not a good idea really. Your Mum is obv struggling somewhat .Your DH needs to deal with his BIL .Maybe Mum could pay some of it back?

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ChateauxNeufDePoop · 01/10/2022 15:06

MrsTumblebee · 01/10/2022 13:29

OP, Can’t you just consider the money to your mum as a helping hand from you?

And the 500. If it’s your husbands brother that owes the money then let him decide whether it will be paid back or not.

I would never have seen my mum struggling.

But that depends entirely on whether the OP/OP's family can afford to lose the money they have lent.

Also, if it's family money then of course it's not just down to the DH to write off the loan to BiL.

Although FWIW I do think the OP has been massively naive here.

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Quveas · 01/10/2022 15:12

This is why I never lend anyone money. If I have the capacity to give them something, even if it isn't all they want, then that is the offer. If not then the answer is no. To be fair, I would also never, ever ask for a loan of money, even if I knew someone could afford it. If I can't afford it I can't have it, and that is the end of the matter.

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