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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want him to bring his son?

36 replies

pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 22:48

I feel so mean typing this but i would love to hear other peoples perspectives on what they think is "right"..

Warning super long reading..

Abit of background ..
I met my ex partner 10 years ago
i had just left school,
he was older than me
We had a toxic relationship but i became very attatched to him, because he "took me under his wing",

i was in foster care and didnt/dont have a family,
so I lived with him from age 16 onwards and we were always together joined at the hip..

I got pregnant when i was 21, i felt very abandoned by him during this time and he was an alcoholic
..
One occasion he kicked my pregnant stomach.. ( never forgave) and yes he is a cxxt
He wasnt an involved father and i did everything alone and i still do the bulk of it

Shortly after we broke up for good,
When my daughter was around 5, he confessed to me that he had cheated on me and had a "secret son", who is 1 month younger than my daughter.
He didnt tell his family about the boy and he also tried to introduce my daughter to him behind my back.

So i felt very betrayed,
he was so insistent on starting a family with me and he kept trying to marry me ( i didnt want to)

But he had been cheating on me with multiple people the whole time, also making my life hell instead of just leaving me alone!

He put my health at risk and i contracted an incurable std during pregnancy (which he denied giving me)
I used to get infections when i was with him, when i kicked him out they stopped ..
I became extremely depressed..

This other woman knew about me and threatened that she was going to "ruin our relationship"
(thats what my ex said )
He is a sociopathic liar,
he also said that the woman(or girl) was a 1 night stand..
He was probably lying to both of us, but i dont feel sorry for how he treated her tbh..
He was living with me when this was happening.
He painted the narrative that we were on a break when this child was conceived.. 1000% not true

When i was struggling by myself during my daughters early years
he was having his son overnight at his accomodation secretly..
My daughter is autistic and hes never had her overnight and never longer than a few hours..

So that is background info, alot of trauma.

Fast forward to now..
Recently we have been going on outings together including his son, i was very apprehensive at first but i just went with it and we all had a good time and good memories for the kids

Ive tried to be positive and leave the past behind me so that my daughter can get to know her brother
But lately i have been dreading seeing his son at EVERY single occasion, like i really do not want to be there at all ..

The little boy is very intelligent and cute and i have nothing against him but
its this messy situation that makes me feel depressed and angry and i just dont want to be involved..

The child is very uncomfortable around us and its clear that he prefers alone time with his dad..

He also becomes quite sad when my ex shows any attention or affection to my daughter
It is sibling rivalry basically so i do encourage my daughter to be kind to him, and she is very huggy and loving to him, depsite her communication difficulties

But its such a icky situation that i dont want to be involved in,
I tag along to these outings to be a second pair of hands
My ex wouldnt be able to handle my daughter and his son by himself because of her special needs.

My daughter needs extra attention, she has meltdowns and runs off alot, so i do really have to be there ,

Its also nice for her to see her mother and father together, she says alot of times "i want mum AND dad" and holds both of our hands
Even though its not the reality,
she is not able to understand completely what having seperated parents actually means ..
And I dont see why i should deny her this small thing, to make her happy and although i dont like her dad, i can be cordial for her sake

So FINALLY, my actual problem is..
Every single time my daughter asks to do something,
my ex insists on bringing his son along
If my daughter wants to go swimming with her dad,
which they used to do alone,
now he insists to bring his little boy and i feel hmmm about it ..

Recently my daughter wants to go somewhere and of course he wants his son to come too..

As a parent i think it is the right thing to do, i dont think it would be fair for his son to miss out on fun things
BUT when its normal activities such as swimming and going to the park
I think that should be daddy and daughter time and im going to ask him not to bring his son?

If he wants to take his son swimming, he should do that on a seperate day
Im not interested in making his life easier and letting him kill two birds with one stone , we are not a blended family situation
And i think my ex needs to find the time to give my daughter 1to1 time without his son there
I also think he treats my daughter different when his son is around ..

He already spends 1to1 time with his son and he also has him over nights because they live very close to eachother and my daughter is not invited to this...

So i think my daughter deserves alone time with her father too, is that not fair?
I dont understand why my daughter has to share time with her dad when she barely sees him..

And i do get annoyed about it because i never envisioned having to "share" my daughters dad
And share time and share resources, just no
I did not agree to that sort of situation..

I will never say i regret having my daughter she is my whole heart but back then if i had known about this other pregnant lady my choices would have been different and i probably would have cut him off no contact too ..

I have already declined that his son comes into my home to have a play date with my daughter because i think its innapropriate and he needs to get his own house if he wants to have them both together ..

So if youve read my babble, do you think i am a monster?
Im ok with his son being involved with big trips like theme parks and holidays and stuff, i would actually feel uncomfortable if he wasnt invited to those things..

But on normal weekend activitys
I want my daughter to have some alone time with her dad
I think 1 on 1 time is extremely important for her as an autistic child
And this is what it was like before we found out about his other son..

Plus i just really dont want to be around his child all the time and constantly in my face ?
Im not in a relationship with my ex and i have no desire to get to know his son at all

And I kinda dont want to share all of these fun experiences with him and his son
The kids have a lovely time at these past outings but i would have preffered for it to be, my daughter and i alone..

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

Ive been trying to find a group of friends that i can go on big trips with so i can have some real fun without my ex and his kid
But its extremely difficult because of the autism.. making friends isnt easy

OP posts:
1dontunderstand · 30/09/2022 22:54

Are you there every time your ex sees your daughter?

Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 22:59

1dontunderstand · 30/09/2022 22:54

Are you there every time your ex sees your daughter?

Hi,
No, he takes my daughter to activities alone for example soft play, swimming, park or wherever
Sometimes he offers for me to come and i always say no
He sometimes comes in to our house to watch tv with her or whatever and i go to another room or i go to the shops.

The only time i come along is for big outings like theme parks and its mostly so i can hold the bags, coats and medicines!

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 22:59

Your daughter is entitled to get time with your ex alone, and his son should get the same. So you are perfectly entitled to tell him no he cannot bring his son every time. I expect he is doing it for child care help.

Maybe once every 4 or 6 visits it could be both kids. It’s good for them to know each other.

Contact the autistic society as a starting point for events for kids. But also single parent groups locally - it’s very possible other people will have SN kids and it will be a friendly environment. You need a gang as you say.

How you spend time with him I do not know , please don’t let him suck you back in.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 23:00

pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 22:59

Hi,
No, he takes my daughter to activities alone for example soft play, swimming, park or wherever
Sometimes he offers for me to come and i always say no
He sometimes comes in to our house to watch tv with her or whatever and i go to another room or i go to the shops.

The only time i come along is for big outings like theme parks and its mostly so i can hold the bags, coats and medicines!

Show quote history

I don’t think he should be spending time in your house.

It does sound to me he’s trying to worm his way back in. Watch that

CircleofWillis · 30/09/2022 23:03

Is it possible that he is with his son's mother which is why his son is always with him?

GreyTCat · 30/09/2022 23:04

He sometimes comes in to our house to watch tv with her or whatever and i go to another room or i go to the shops.
This feels like a massive red flag. I wouldn’t allow this if it was me.

Threelittlelambs · 30/09/2022 23:08

Have you thought this is more about him controlling you than about your daughter?
if he needs an extra pair of hands why isn’t the sons mother there to lend an hand or his mother/father?

How about you just say no?

If you think your DD won’t pick up on your cordial relationship you are mistaken. This isn’t a healthy environment for her.

Cats23 · 30/09/2022 23:13

So she does spend time alone with him? soft plays, swimming park?
If thats the case, then sounds like he has both his Dc alone at some activities without the other?
I wouldnt be letting him in my house and maybe suggest once a month or every other month, you both do an outing with both children.

Murdoch1949 · 30/09/2022 23:15

What are you doing having ANYTHING to do with your abuser?

Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:19

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 23:00

I don’t think he should be spending time in your house.

It does sound to me he’s trying to worm his way back in. Watch that

Show quote history

I have no attraction or feelings for him at all so he would be wasting his time!
He picks her up from school 3 days a week and sometimes my daughter wants him to come inside..
Sometimes i will just meet him at the door if i dont want him to come in
Its not all the time so it hasnt been a problem yet

OP posts:
Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:24

CircleofWillis · 30/09/2022 23:03

Is it possible that he is with his son's mother which is why his son is always with him?

I dont think so the way he acts towards me i would hope hes single ..
He lives in a really small accomodation and he picks his son up from somewhere else

OP posts:
Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:27

Cats23 · 30/09/2022 23:13

So she does spend time alone with him? soft plays, swimming park?
If thats the case, then sounds like he has both his Dc alone at some activities without the other?
I wouldnt be letting him in my house and maybe suggest once a month or every other month, you both do an outing with both children.

Its not really consistent tho.. im making it sound like its every weekend but he takes her out evey other week, misses a week here and there..
It might not be true but i feel like he sees his son alot more because they live very close to eachother and he has him overnights..

OP posts:
Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:34

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 22:59

Your daughter is entitled to get time with your ex alone, and his son should get the same. So you are perfectly entitled to tell him no he cannot bring his son every time. I expect he is doing it for child care help.

Maybe once every 4 or 6 visits it could be both kids. It’s good for them to know each other.

Contact the autistic society as a starting point for events for kids. But also single parent groups locally - it’s very possible other people will have SN kids and it will be a friendly environment. You need a gang as you say.

How you spend time with him I do not know , please don’t let him suck you back in.

I defninitely make outings easier for them, i honestly dont see him being able to manage my daughters special needs on an outing especially of his son is there
I go to be there for her, not saying it is right but id rather him not get impatient with her having a meltdown or turn his back and let her run off and go missing..

I do like the the sound of having them together every 4 weeks or so..
Ill look up the autistic society tonight and parent groups x

OP posts:
Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:35

Murdoch1949 · 30/09/2022 23:15

What are you doing having ANYTHING to do with your abuser?

I would prefer to never see him again but my daughter adores him

OP posts:
Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:38

GreyTCat · 30/09/2022 23:04

He sometimes comes in to our house to watch tv with her or whatever and i go to another room or i go to the shops.
This feels like a massive red flag. I wouldn’t allow this if it was me.

He does overstep boundaries alot but i try to ignore it ..

OP posts:
Helpmewithteen · 30/09/2022 23:45

Why are you having anything to do with him? He’s an adult and capable of looking after your daughter alone. If he finds her hard work, it may motivate him to spend more separate time with her alone anyway. YOU being there is making it easier for him to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ as you say.

Arrange a pick up time with him by text. He arrives to collect your daughter, you wave her off from the door and then close it and get on with your day.

Cupofteaonesugar · 30/09/2022 23:46

I would prefer to never see him again but my daughter adores him

Then you need to make solid arrangements for him to see your daughter, a stable routine, and you need to not be involved in this.

This is all getting way too comfortable. If he is the man you've described then you need to stay away for your own good.

Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:52

Helpmewithteen · 30/09/2022 23:45

Why are you having anything to do with him? He’s an adult and capable of looking after your daughter alone. If he finds her hard work, it may motivate him to spend more separate time with her alone anyway. YOU being there is making it easier for him to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ as you say.

Arrange a pick up time with him by text. He arrives to collect your daughter, you wave her off from the door and then close it and get on with your day.

I do this most of the time, 80% of the time he takes her out alone but its the big outings where i come along, not just to help but because i want to share the experience with her too?
Dont see why i should have to miss out on all fun things

OP posts:
Original poster
pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:58

Cupofteaonesugar · 30/09/2022 23:46

I would prefer to never see him again but my daughter adores him

Then you need to make solid arrangements for him to see your daughter, a stable routine, and you need to not be involved in this.

This is all getting way too comfortable. If he is the man you've described then you need to stay away for your own good.

It is overly comfortable .. i think thats why im getting depressed over it..
Ive been trying to make things easier , my daughter enjoys the outings and i like experiencing all these things with her but i cant say i like being around him and his son its .. uncomfortable..

OP posts:
Helpmewithteen · 01/10/2022 00:02

pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:52

I do this most of the time, 80% of the time he takes her out alone but its the big outings where i come along, not just to help but because i want to share the experience with her too?
Dont see why i should have to miss out on all fun things

Show quote history

Surely you can do fun things with her separately from your ex. Playing happy families is going to be confusing for any child, let alone a child with additional needs. She needs to have structure now, and are you really going to go on days out with your God-awful ex for years to come?

When her dad takes her out for “fun” that’s for her, not you. You are not missing out. You have your own experiences and make fun memories with her without him.

I’m not trying to be mean, but you really are making a rod for your own back here.

ImustLearn2Cook · 01/10/2022 00:10

@pinheadlarry I don’t think that you are being unreasonable at all. And keep advocating for your daughter and supporting her. You sound like an amazing mum.

As a single parent, I completely understand why you are there to support your daughter with her additional needs on outings with her dad, your ex. I don’t think you’re doing the wrong thing there.

If he struggles with her additional needs (and that’s understandable because unlike you he isn’t with her day and night and hasn’t had as much experience dealing with her meltdowns etc.). Then you are being a good mum to your daughter by supporting her so she has a positive experience with her dad.

I also, understand why you allow him into your home. It is your daughter’s home too and of course she wants to invite her dad in. So, really you are just being respectful of your daughter and again facilitating a positive relationship with her dad.

I agree with you that your daughter does need and deserves one on one time with her dad.

Her half brother gets to spend one on one time with his dad and has overnights with him.

Your daughter doesn’t have overnights with her dad. Is that because he doesn’t feel that he can cope with her additional needs?

You and your daughter have compromised to accommodate his feelings and what he wants and feels comfortable with. He needs to meet you halfway and make compromises too to accommodate your daughter and you.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2022 00:13

pinheadlarry · 30/09/2022 23:52

I do this most of the time, 80% of the time he takes her out alone but its the big outings where i come along, not just to help but because i want to share the experience with her too?
Dont see why i should have to miss out on all fun things

Show quote history

OK so he does take her out alien and manages her fine alien, it if it's a big thing he takes them both, and you go along to "help" / not be left out.

Just stop. Say sorry, can't come. Maybe your Mom can help or whomever. He'll learn to cope or adapt.

How old are they?

If you want to do big trips with DD, do your own instead of tagging on to his.

Original poster
pinheadlarry · 01/10/2022 00:16

Helpmewithteen · 01/10/2022 00:02

Surely you can do fun things with her separately from your ex. Playing happy families is going to be confusing for any child, let alone a child with additional needs. She needs to have structure now, and are you really going to go on days out with your God-awful ex for years to come?

When her dad takes her out for “fun” that’s for her, not you. You are not missing out. You have your own experiences and make fun memories with her without him.

I’m not trying to be mean, but you really are making a rod for your own back here.

Show quote history

I know its wrong and happy familyish..
i would rather go to these places alone but i dont drive and my daughter would want her dad to come
And he "needs" me to come because he cant handle them on his own

Its so wrong but its just been easier this way..
Im trying to find groups to go with instead ..

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2022 00:20

So don't go and gem find someone else or take her alone.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2022 00:20

Sorry, I don't think you have a right to tag along in their contact time then dictate his son isn't welcome.

How old are they?

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