I dont want him to bring his son?

[pinheadlarry]

I feel so mean typing this but i would love to hear other peoples perspectives on what they think is "right"..

Warning super long reading..

Abit of background ..
I met my ex partner 10 years ago
i had just left school,
he was older than me
We had a toxic relationship but i became very attatched to him, because he "took me under his wing",

i was in foster care and didnt/dont have a family,
so I lived with him from age 16 onwards and we were always together joined at the hip..

I got pregnant when i was 21, i felt very abandoned by him during this time and he was an alcoholic
..
One occasion he kicked my pregnant stomach.. ( never forgave) and yes he is a cxxt
He wasnt an involved father and i did everything alone and i still do the bulk of it

Shortly after we broke up for good,
When my daughter was around 5, he confessed to me that he had cheated on me and had a "secret son", who is 1 month younger than my daughter.
He didnt tell his family about the boy and he also tried to introduce my daughter to him behind my back.

So i felt very betrayed,
he was so insistent on starting a family with me and he kept trying to marry me ( i didnt want to)

But he had been cheating on me with multiple people the whole time, also making my life hell instead of just leaving me alone!

He put my health at risk and i contracted an incurable std during pregnancy (which he denied giving me)
I used to get infections when i was with him, when i kicked him out they stopped ..
I became extremely depressed..

This other woman knew about me and threatened that she was going to "ruin our relationship"
(thats what my ex said )
He is a sociopathic liar,
he also said that the woman(or girl) was a 1 night stand..
He was probably lying to both of us, but i dont feel sorry for how he treated her tbh..
He was living with me when this was happening.
He painted the narrative that we were on a break when this child was conceived.. 1000% not true

When i was struggling by myself during my daughters early years
he was having his son overnight at his accomodation secretly..
My daughter is autistic and hes never had her overnight and never longer than a few hours..

So that is background info, alot of trauma.

Fast forward to now..
Recently we have been going on outings together including his son, i was very apprehensive at first but i just went with it and we all had a good time and good memories for the kids

Ive tried to be positive and leave the past behind me so that my daughter can get to know her brother
But lately i have been dreading seeing his son at EVERY single occasion, like i really do not want to be there at all ..

The little boy is very intelligent and cute and i have nothing against him but
its this messy situation that makes me feel depressed and angry and i just dont want to be involved..

The child is very uncomfortable around us and its clear that he prefers alone time with his dad..

He also becomes quite sad when my ex shows any attention or affection to my daughter
It is sibling rivalry basically so i do encourage my daughter to be kind to him, and she is very huggy and loving to him, depsite her communication difficulties

But its such a icky situation that i dont want to be involved in,
I tag along to these outings to be a second pair of hands
My ex wouldnt be able to handle my daughter and his son by himself because of her special needs.

My daughter needs extra attention, she has meltdowns and runs off alot, so i do really have to be there ,

Its also nice for her to see her mother and father together, she says alot of times "i want mum AND dad" and holds both of our hands
Even though its not the reality,
she is not able to understand completely what having seperated parents actually means ..
And I dont see why i should deny her this small thing, to make her happy and although i dont like her dad, i can be cordial for her sake

So FINALLY, my actual problem is..
Every single time my daughter asks to do something,
my ex insists on bringing his son along
If my daughter wants to go swimming with her dad,
which they used to do alone,
now he insists to bring his little boy and i feel hmmm about it ..

Recently my daughter wants to go somewhere and of course he wants his son to come too..

As a parent i think it is the right thing to do, i dont think it would be fair for his son to miss out on fun things
BUT when its normal activities such as swimming and going to the park
I think that should be daddy and daughter time and im going to ask him not to bring his son?

If he wants to take his son swimming, he should do that on a seperate day
Im not interested in making his life easier and letting him kill two birds with one stone , we are not a blended family situation
And i think my ex needs to find the time to give my daughter 1to1 time without his son there
I also think he treats my daughter different when his son is around ..

He already spends 1to1 time with his son and he also has him over nights because they live very close to eachother and my daughter is not invited to this...

So i think my daughter deserves alone time with her father too, is that not fair?
I dont understand why my daughter has to share time with her dad when she barely sees him..

And i do get annoyed about it because i never envisioned having to "share" my daughters dad
And share time and share resources, just no
I did not agree to that sort of situation..

I will never say i regret having my daughter she is my whole heart but back then if i had known about this other pregnant lady my choices would have been different and i probably would have cut him off no contact too ..

I have already declined that his son comes into my home to have a play date with my daughter because i think its innapropriate and he needs to get his own house if he wants to have them both together ..

So if youve read my babble, do you think i am a monster?
Im ok with his son being involved with big trips like theme parks and holidays and stuff, i would actually feel uncomfortable if he wasnt invited to those things..

But on normal weekend activitys
I want my daughter to have some alone time with her dad
I think 1 on 1 time is extremely important for her as an autistic child
And this is what it was like before we found out about his other son..

Plus i just really dont want to be around his child all the time and constantly in my face ?
Im not in a relationship with my ex and i have no desire to get to know his son at all

And I kinda dont want to share all of these fun experiences with him and his son
The kids have a lovely time at these past outings but i would have preffered for it to be, my daughter and i alone..

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

Ive been trying to find a group of friends that i can go on big trips with so i can have some real fun without my ex and his kid
But its extremely difficult because of the autism.. making friends isnt easy

“I do this most of the time, 80% of the time he takes her out alone but its the big outings where i come along, not just to help but because i want to share the experience with her too?
Dont see why i should have to miss out on all fun things”

@pinheadlarry I don’t think some of the pp responding to you are familiar with the concept of co parenting with an ex.

It’s proven beneficial for children with separated parents to have fun family activities with both parents being present and involved. That’s why there has been a movement away from parallel parenting and towards co parenting.

Children benefit when they have separated parents who manage to put their issues with each other aside for the sake of their children and who work on getting along and being friendly and supportive to each other.

It really is up to @pinheadlarry to decide if that kind of parenting arrangement is working for her and her daughter.

The one thing that Op pointed out that isn’t working is that her daughter is getting less and less one on one time with her dad. And that really does need addressing.

It isn’t wrong at all. Many separated parents actually do exactly what you are describing.

Having separate contact time and very little to do with your ex and butting out of her contact with him and him butting out of your contact with her, is very old fashioned. And isn’t a healthy dynamic for children to grow up in.

You’re not “playing happy families,” you are creating and facilitating happy families.

And that is good for your daughter.

Personally, I think it's important to teach your daughter that it's ok to have boundaries, and it's not ok to let people trample over them. You can stop him coming into your home. You don't have to ignore him ignoring that. You don't want her to grow up thinking others can do what they like and she has to please everyone.

You need to stop tagging along on. It's weird. If he struggles with 2 he might just have some 1 on 1 time with her or he might step up and cope. Leave him to spend time with his children.

Did you read the op? You coparent with a person where there is mutual respect.

This man is an abuser and a user. Right now, the op is an extra pair of hands to help him avoid his responsibility.

Op is clearly unhappy and not particularly comfortable with the situation, although she wants to be present for her daughter. She makes reference to the reminder of past pain. It doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy dynamic to me…and actually I’d argue that it hails back to a time when women just accepted a partners bad behaviour and continued to play happy families as it was what was expected.

A child needs two parents who have respect for one another. Who don’t argue in front of them and who both play an active role in their lives. Who both love them and who are decent role models. They don’t need to witness one parent taking advantage of the other.

Stop doing stuff with your ex.
stop letting him in your house
stop spending time with him

he can have visitation with your daughter and that’s it
it isn’t more beneficial for her to see her parents together when actually what she is seeing is her mother being around an abusive man (even if you don’t think he’s abusing you now)

if he can’t handle both then he’ll have to see them alone or find someone to help, that’s not your issue.
maybe he’ll get better and more confident with her once he has to rely on himself, and be willing to have more time with her too once he does.

the other kid is a completely irrelevant (Albeit traumatic for you) element to the story

This is all so wrong. You say your daughter ‘adores’ her father? That’s because she’s too young to wonder why he has a son, who is not your child, who is almost the same age as her. The minute she works that out she’s going to be horrified that you’re playing happy families with this man.

Please stop accommodating him and pretending you’re all having lovely times together and ‘making memories’. You are setting up a situation where your daughter will soon lose all respect for you. The man is a violent abusive monster and should never step foot inside your house. Where and how he sees his son shouldn’t even be on your radar - it’s not your business. His other child is living evidence of gross infidelity - there is no reason at all why your daughter should be in his company.

In short, given the many paragraphs it took to detail how awful this man is, you should be doing everything in your power to keep your life entirely separate from his. There is no reason whatsoever why you should ever accompany your daughter when she has contact with him.

There are coaches that go direct to theme parks and the like. You don’t have to go.

There’s more to this than you are saying, I have a friend who does similar and yet happily goes on holiday with the ex and his wife because ‘he won’t deal with DD’

Hes her father and needs to learn how to handle her, and you being there prevents him from doing so, and you know this, and yet you aren’t on?

My dd has special needs and No my ex wouldnt be able to handle both kids on his own because i wouldnt be able to either ..

I already explained that he does look after her alone majority of time, i come along only on special trips and big days out, i enjoy going to these places with my dd too
If my ex did have a wife or gf i certainly wouldnt feel the need to come because there would be two adults
So.. nothing you said was helpful..

@pinheadlarry Being a single parent has it’s challenges. I think you are doing great.

I don’t know why you’d continue to allow contact with someone who’s been violent to you when you were together but you have and you do so you need to draw some clear boundaries. Tell him that you’re not going to be able to come out with him and his son anymore and if he wants to see your daughter it’ll have to be separately