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AIBU?

DH can’t contact me on night out. AIBU or is DH?

47 replies

Cranberrysauceysauce · 30/09/2022 22:46

DH and I live in a European country (not UK). DH has been away with work all week. I had a work night out organised for this evening and DH was returning and looking after DC. I had previous conversations with FH about the arrangements for this evening and what the plans would be with collecting the kids from their various clubs. All seemed fine.

So tonight, I have been out with my work colleagues. My phone sat in my bag the whole time. We were out from 7pm until I got home at 11.30. DH is really upset with me. Turns out he text me at 10.30 and called me at 11.10pm (and called another a subsequent 6 time’s.) unfortunately my phone wasn’t on loud so I didn’t realise.

The last time I went on a night out here, I had some difficulty as taxis are few and far between here, but tonight I had a lift home arranged. DH and I have discussed the plans for tonight on a few occasions and he hasn’t voiced any concerns or asked about my plans for getting home. He is now mad at me because he has apparently been worried sick for ages.

i find this reaction really odd. We have been married 11 years and he’s never reacted like this. Although, in fairness, it’s usually him that goes out. I only do once or twice a year. He is really angry with me for not communicating with him.

I have recently told him that I’m not feeling too happy in our relationship, due to the way he talks to me. He gets angry with me in-front of our kids and I’m not okay with that. I just hate the fact that I’ve had a nice night tonight. My first night out since feb, and I’ve upset him somehow. Or maybe, IABU and I owe him an apology?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

384 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
NiqueNique · 30/09/2022 22:48

No, you do not owe him an apology.

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SeasonFinale · 30/09/2022 22:49

The only reason he called was because he didn't want you to have a nice night out.

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Rewis · 30/09/2022 22:50

You don't owe him an apology. He didn't like it that you went out and he had to stay home so he wanted to ruin your night. I bet if you had answered he would have come up ieth excuses for you to go home.

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category12 · 30/09/2022 22:50

No, he sounds like he thinks he's the boss of you.

Do you usually call him while he's on night out?

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summergone · 30/09/2022 22:54

Was the house on fire ? If not then what was his reasons for ringing you ?

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SuperCamp · 30/09/2022 22:55

He had no cause to worry, he was just harassing you.

FFS, you didn’t even get in late, 11.30 is no time. Why would he need to call you at 10.30, and think you would be looking at your phone?

Be calm, factual and resolute: tell him you have done nothing wrong, he had no cause to be concerned, and that you are not prepared to be treated like this.

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Ifigotherewillbedouble · 30/09/2022 22:55

If he text you at 10.30 and you got home at 11.30 then he was only ‘worried sick’ for an hour…. I agree with PP, he’s annoyed you weren’t at home to greet him from his week away. How dare you go out twice a year - obviously you’re not BU but I think you need to have another conversation with him.

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Cranberrysauceysauce · 30/09/2022 22:56

Every other time I’ve been out, he’s been supportive, even encouraging of me going. The only thing different this time is that I recently told him I was feeling unhappy in our relationship. In the 13 years since I’ve met him, he has never reacted this way. We have only lived here for a year so the reason he has used was what happened last time. (Me getting stuck in the town with no way home). The strange thing is, the last time, I called him when I was struggling to get home and he didn’t even come and pick me up. In fairness, our kids were in bed so I never held a grudge. I just don’t understand.

OP posts:
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Gilead · 30/09/2022 22:57

When my ex Dh was arrested they asked how often he contacted me when out as it’s a red flag for controlling behaviour.

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Rewis · 30/09/2022 23:12

It could very well be insecurity about what you're upto since you've told him that you were unhappy. However, the reason you're unhappy is very legit. What was his response to the conversation? I think that would be very telling.

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TheCatterall · 30/09/2022 23:15

You are an adult. Surely if you were struggling to get home you could have contacted him if you couldn’t get a taxi/lift etc.

he’s possibly feeling rattled by your talk and it’s making him behave out of sorts.

would you say he’s more clingy right now emotionally or more cold and questioning?

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Mouseaboutthehouse · 30/09/2022 23:19

Had you said what time you might be home? I would think it unusual if you husband didn't text me to say he was on his way, I would also be worried. However we do have the kind of relationship where we will always say we have arrived safely etc. If you don't do this normally then he's being unreasonable.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 23:19

Worried sick about what?? You were out.

just ignore it

Charitably perhaps he was knackered from
his work trip.

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Mouseaboutthehouse · 30/09/2022 23:20

My* wouldn't be unusual if your husband didn't text me 😁

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Maray1967 · 30/09/2022 23:25

You do not owe him an apology. You told him you were getting a lift home and you were back at 11.30. Call him out on this and knock this on the head now. ‘I told you I was getting a lift home. There was no need to ring me and I’m not being guilt tripped into not going out or having you ruin a night out. So pack it in now.’

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TiredOne12345 · 30/09/2022 23:28

He sounds very controlling

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/09/2022 23:31

So you've told him how him being angry at you in front of the DC is an issue (as it should be) and his response is to escalate and get angry at you over something he wouldn't previously have gotten angry about? That's really not a good sign. He isn't behaving reasonably and this isn't your fault.

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/09/2022 23:33

11.30 is not really late, would you be texting or ringing him at that time? If you have only lived there a year you are possibly still unsettled from the move so that might affect your relationship, or you might only now be seeing the relationship in a different light because of the change in circumstance.

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Oblomov22 · 30/09/2022 23:36

This would really piss me off. I see this as controlling.

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KoalaCape · 30/09/2022 23:38

I think you are both being unreasonable based on what information you've given. DH overreacted but to be honest I'd be cross if I wanted to check my DH was safe/had a plan to get home and they weren't answering. Only you can decide if you think he was trying to be controlling or could genuinely have worried about you getting home, especially in light of you telling him you're unhappy in the relationship.

Before the next evening out for either of you, agree some communication rules. Call only in emergency, phone on loud etc.

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C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2022 00:15

KoalaCape · 30/09/2022 23:38

I think you are both being unreasonable based on what information you've given. DH overreacted but to be honest I'd be cross if I wanted to check my DH was safe/had a plan to get home and they weren't answering. Only you can decide if you think he was trying to be controlling or could genuinely have worried about you getting home, especially in light of you telling him you're unhappy in the relationship.

Before the next evening out for either of you, agree some communication rules. Call only in emergency, phone on loud etc.

The OP is an adult, not a young teen who needs to lodge a travel home plan with their parents.

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category12 · 01/10/2022 00:35

KoalaCape · 30/09/2022 23:38

I think you are both being unreasonable based on what information you've given. DH overreacted but to be honest I'd be cross if I wanted to check my DH was safe/had a plan to get home and they weren't answering. Only you can decide if you think he was trying to be controlling or could genuinely have worried about you getting home, especially in light of you telling him you're unhappy in the relationship.

Before the next evening out for either of you, agree some communication rules. Call only in emergency, phone on loud etc.

She literally said she had a lift home arranged and he knew it.

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LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 01/10/2022 00:40

I agree the OP’s DH WBVU but the double standards on MN really stagger me. Guaranteed every Saturday evening there’s a thread about ‘DH said is out and said he’d come home at 11.00pm. It’s now 11.05. WIBU to call him’. To dozens of answers of ‘Yes call him, call until he picks up and if he doesn’t answer by 11.20 call 101’

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SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2022 00:42

Is assume he was checking you weren't cheating in him as your unhappy in the marriage so no yanbu and he's being a dick

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MangyInseam · 01/10/2022 00:43

I think, given that he normally does not behave like this, that I'd give him a break and assume that his imagination ran away with him in some way. I wouldn't feel the need to apologize as such, it's not like you deliberately ignored him, but I would say that I hadn't intended to worry him.

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