DH can’t contact me on night out. AIBU or is DH?

[Cranberrysauceysauce]

DH and I live in a European country (not UK). DH has been away with work all week. I had a work night out organised for this evening and DH was returning and looking after DC. I had previous conversations with FH about the arrangements for this evening and what the plans would be with collecting the kids from their various clubs. All seemed fine.

So tonight, I have been out with my work colleagues. My phone sat in my bag the whole time. We were out from 7pm until I got home at 11.30. DH is really upset with me. Turns out he text me at 10.30 and called me at 11.10pm (and called another a subsequent 6 time’s.) unfortunately my phone wasn’t on loud so I didn’t realise.

The last time I went on a night out here, I had some difficulty as taxis are few and far between here, but tonight I had a lift home arranged. DH and I have discussed the plans for tonight on a few occasions and he hasn’t voiced any concerns or asked about my plans for getting home. He is now mad at me because he has apparently been worried sick for ages.

i find this reaction really odd. We have been married 11 years and he’s never reacted like this. Although, in fairness, it’s usually him that goes out. I only do once or twice a year. He is really angry with me for not communicating with him.

I have recently told him that I’m not feeling too happy in our relationship, due to the way he talks to me. He gets angry with me in-front of our kids and I’m not okay with that. I just hate the fact that I’ve had a nice night tonight. My first night out since feb, and I’ve upset him somehow. Or maybe, IABU and I owe him an apology?

[Quitelikeacatslife]

He thinks you are shagging someone else and that is why you told him you are unhappy. That's why he called

[Lcb123]

Ridiculous- you’re an adult. Don’t apologise.

[bumpytrumpy]

Sounds like he's pissed off you're not at home rolling out the red carpet for his return from work trip. Looking after him after his "busy" week of restaurants & strip clubs.

Coming straight back into childcare & you being out on the town has probably damaged his precious ego after feeling like the big alpha provider all week. Twat.

[ArcticSkewer]

Start going out more. He obviously needs practise at the idea you can take care of yourself without a call from him every few hours.

[FitAt50]

Hell lots of horrible comments here about the husband. He was just checking she was okay and was worried when he got no answer. He didn't text until 1030 so was not trying to ruin her night. She had issues getting home last time, perhaps he was just a loving concerned person. If the story was reversed and it was the husband who was out and not answering his phone, you would no doubt be saying he was having an affair and it would be a red flag etc etc.

[WoopsIdiditagain1]

Maybe he is feeling insecure in the relationship. The 10 calls were either out of panic or anger.

I wouldn't apologise. If something had happened he would deal with it. Just like you would deal with it while he is away working. He I'm sure would manage.

Anyhow, I would go out more often. He clearly isn't used to it and needs to get used to it. Besides 2 times a year isn't enough down time.

[AlwaysLatte]

He shouldn't be annoyed that he couldn't get hold of you, it's perfectly reasonable. My husband goes to a club where mobiles aren't permitted on the premises so I know that I just need to wait until he's on the way to the train. It sounds like he was jealous.

[bloodyunicorns]

Sounds like he's feeling insecure because you expressed reservations about your relationship, and so he thought you might meet someone else on your night out and so he rang you to try to get you to come home...

You don't need to apologise to him.

You might need to talk frankly about your relationship though. Good luck.

[girlmom21]

@thenewduchessoflapland

*I only do once or twice a year
*
Do you think it's normal for a grown adult to only go out with friends once or twice a year?

Of course it is, especially if they have a family.

[thenewduchessoflapland]

*I only do once or twice a year
*
Do you think it's normal for a grown adult to only go out with friends once or twice a year?

[FlowersareEverything]

The only legitimate concern he could possibly have is that if one of your children became very unwell you were uncontactable. As a mother, I honestly would have checked my phone every now and then. However, from what you say, that doesn’t appear to have been his principal concern. He’s wrong to treat you as incapable of safely getting home.

[decayingmatter]

Do you periodically call and text him when he is on his (much more regular than yours) nights out?

[Herejustforthisone]

Do not apologise.

Is there a chance he’s paranoid about what you might be up to, and that he’s projecting from his own behaviour?

[clpsmum]

He phoned you at 10
And you were at home for 11.30
So at the very most he was worried for an hour and half not for ages. He had no reason to worry he's being a controlling prick and now sulking. You don't owe him an apology. What was the big emergency that he needed to contact you for? Let me guess. Nothing just to spoil your fun. Life is too short for this shit

[notdaddycool]

He’s the unreasonable one, but if you want one tell him you need an Apple Watch so you can see calls when the phone’s in your bag.

[Blahdeebla]

@Cranberrysauceysauce

Just to clarify, I didnt specifically discuss with him my arrangements for getting home. I did tell him I wasn’t taking the car because I was getting a lift. Maybe he didn’t realise I meant a lift both there and back. He also said “what if something had happened and I needed to get in contact with you?”. I do understand that, but nothing did happen so I think to be this upset with me is a complete overreaction.

He's being ridiculous, why was he actually trying to contact you ? Was he expecting you to be home by 10 ?

[Blahdeebla]

Sounds very possessive and controlling. 11 30 is not late enough to be 'worried sick'.

[girlmom21]

If something bad happened he'd have to deal with it, wouldn't he.

I could imagine if it was 3 or 4am and you'd told him you'd be home at 12 but he's being ridiculous.

[Cranberrysauceysauce]

Just to clarify, I didnt specifically discuss with him my arrangements for getting home. I did tell him I wasn’t taking the car because I was getting a lift. Maybe he didn’t realise I meant a lift both there and back. He also said “what if something had happened and I needed to get in contact with you?”. I do understand that, but nothing did happen so I think to be this upset with me is a complete overreaction.

[ChiefWiggumsBoy]

So what did he say he was calling for? Did he have any real reason other than checking up on you, given he knew your plans for getting home?

Sounds like he’s punishing you.

[figtrees]

Given that he is never usually like this, he may be feeling insecure. Specially as you have revently mentioned you are unhappy in the relationship. Perhaps he's imagining you have met somebody else etc. Be kind, give him some reassurance because those thoughts are frightening. Ask him if he's okay if there's anything he wants to tell you, open that communication.

You don't need to say sorry, neither of you do, you just need to find out why he was so concerned. Don't infame the situation or play games just talk about it. You have been with him 15 years he didn't wake up this morning a controlling man, something has set him off and he might be embarrassed to say what it really is. Offer a bit of understanding, it goes a long way in a relationship.

[SarahDippity]

HIBU. Why did he call you at 10.30? That is early! and to follow up +7 times within an hour? And you were home at 11.30? He is out of line. No need to apologise: you discussed in advance, and suddenly at 10.30 he decides it’s time to chase you home?

[MangyInseam]

I think, given that he normally does not behave like this, that I'd give him a break and assume that his imagination ran away with him in some way. I wouldn't feel the need to apologize as such, it's not like you deliberately ignored him, but I would say that I hadn't intended to worry him.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Is assume he was checking you weren't cheating in him as your unhappy in the marriage so no yanbu and he's being a dick

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

I agree the OP’s DH WBVU but the double standards on MN really stagger me. Guaranteed every Saturday evening there’s a thread about ‘DH said is out and said he’d come home at 11.00pm. It’s now 11.05. WIBU to call him’. To dozens of answers of ‘Yes call him, call until he picks up and if he doesn’t answer by 11.20 call 101’