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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I'm being a cow...

36 replies

Bathtubbathing · 30/09/2022 18:11

Summer 20, I found a FWB1 2 hours drive away. We met a few times Summer 20, then COVID meant we didn't meet again until Summer 21-just once. We'd kept messaging all through that time, and things slowly turned from fancying him into friend zone.

Got FWB2 Autumn 20 & met up once a fortnight for a few months. COVID lockdown ended that.

Got with DP Autumn 21. Told FWB1 about DP in Spring 22. I didn't want to lose his friendship and daily chit chat. The messaging never changed when I told him.

DP ended things on a whim August 22. I told FWB1 this mid Sept 22 and I got invited up for the weekend. While there, I realised he's still great company, but just a mate. I didn't want the benefits. Which I told him, and he was ok about after the initial feeling crap. Chatting has been carrying on as normal.

Since then...

I've been on a date.

I nearly ended up having a one night stand with someone 20 yrs younger, but came to my senses before I got in the cab.

I want to get back with my ex.

FWB2 has been back in touch and I'm interested.

FWB1 is dropping a bit of flirting into the daily chat here and there, and I think he's trying to get me to fancy him again. We've arranged to go away for a 90s weekend next month. Double bed...twins are uncomfortable. Once I've got a few drinks inside me, I'll be flirting like crazy with him.

I know I'm using FWB1 until something better comes along. He knows where the land lies with me, so I'm doing it, as he's letting me.

DP wasn't aware I was still having daily contact with FWB1. I tried to tell him, but he didn't care about my life before him.

So I feel a cow, as I don't think I treated XDP well by continuing to chat with FWB1 all through. And I know I'm being terrible to FWB1 by leading him on, but I'm liking having him as a back up option. Or as one of several people I might end up seeing.

So I feel a cow, as this isn't how I was brought up to be. After a 25 year marriage ending though, I feel free to do what I'd like to too.

AIBU? Or is this modern life now?

OP posts:
Doormice · 30/09/2022 18:17

I don’t know about ‘modern’ life, I think this stuff must be old as time!

All I can say is if your conscience is pricking you, stop seeing FWB1 and start asking yourself some hard questions about why you seem to need so much male attention.

Doormice · 30/09/2022 18:18

I don’t mean that unkindly btw.

You’ve got conflicting emotions - worth examining I think.

5128gap · 30/09/2022 18:19

Modern life is no different from old school life. Do what you want as long as you're not harming anyone else.
If you are harming someone else you should really try to stop, unless its unavoidable.

Raidtheice · 30/09/2022 18:20

Do you want a relationship or are you happy with the current set up?

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 30/09/2022 18:21

I think you have answered your own AIBU.

Ramsbottom · 30/09/2022 18:22

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, you ex dumped you it’s over and you’ve been honest with the guys who Just want sex amd don’t want a romantic relationship with you. I can’t see the harm/

Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 18:28

So you know you will go away with fwb1 , drink flirt and, possibly, sleep with him even though you know you have no attraction to him AND you know he wants to resume FWB. And you know you are leading him on so he can be a back up.

Nah that’s shitty. You see it all the time in relationships. Op has feelings for someone who is ‘clear’ they don’t want them, but gives them just enough crumbs to keep them on the hook as a back up. It causes loads of upset and hurt.

if you know he still wants more and you know you don’t but will lead him on on the weekend away, I think that’s poor behaviour.

nopenotplaying · 30/09/2022 18:32

Wow I'm so glad I'm happily married that's so complicated!

LivingMyBestLie · 30/09/2022 18:35

I think you need to calm down a bit to be honest. The way you're carrying on, your ex definitely won't want to rekindle anything.

ManateeFair · 30/09/2022 18:45

It sounds as if your self-esteem is very much dependent on male attention. You don’t really fancy FWB1 but you like leading him on and having him at your beck and call. You’re fretting about your ex DP even though he dumped you and clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. You have to have a ‘back up option’ because you can’t possibly just be single for five minutes.

To be honest, I just find your whole post a bit sad and depressing. You seem to telling yourself you’re having fun but it all seems quite hollow and desperate to me. What are you trying to prove? It’s clearly not really about sex because you don’t even fancy FWB1. It’s as if men are the only reason you exist.

Cosycover · 30/09/2022 18:45

I'd love to see the replies if OP was a man.

keeprunningupthathill · 30/09/2022 18:45

I don't think you're being a cow at all, but is it really necessary to be with someone all the time, or could you take a step back from them all and think about what would really work for you?

AriettyHomily · 30/09/2022 18:58

It's not modern life and I don't think you're being a cow as long as each party knows where they stand. FWB NEVER works imo, someone always wants more so let them go.

Your post is very self centred.

Original poster
Bathtubbathing · 30/09/2022 19:10

If I told you I spend 4/5 evenings a week out seeing friends, would that tell you I'm a people person who enjoys hanging out and chatting with people I get on with rather than having self esteem/men issues?

A lot of friends are coupled up, so my weekends can be dull, as not many of them want me around then. That's where FWBs come in...more cool people to chill with. The sex is an added bonus.

I'm perfectly content in my own company. I go to the west end, to restaurants, to pubs, on holidays by myself quite happily. I'd prefer company doing them, but it's not always to be.

Sitting on my sofa binging a box set is my idea of hell. A run only lasts an hour. Choir is another hour a week. Mumsnet gets dull after scrolling for a bit.

Being with people is my down time and what I love to do in life.

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 30/09/2022 19:16

Bathtubbathing · 30/09/2022 19:10

If I told you I spend 4/5 evenings a week out seeing friends, would that tell you I'm a people person who enjoys hanging out and chatting with people I get on with rather than having self esteem/men issues?

A lot of friends are coupled up, so my weekends can be dull, as not many of them want me around then. That's where FWBs come in...more cool people to chill with. The sex is an added bonus.

I'm perfectly content in my own company. I go to the west end, to restaurants, to pubs, on holidays by myself quite happily. I'd prefer company doing them, but it's not always to be.

Sitting on my sofa binging a box set is my idea of hell. A run only lasts an hour. Choir is another hour a week. Mumsnet gets dull after scrolling for a bit.

Being with people is my down time and what I love to do in life.

Fair enough

you do you

but I think you are being harsh on fwb1 who obviously wants more

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 19:25

Chatting with an old FWB while with your partner is not going to be why the relationship went wrong. It’s not a big deal. I think you are looking for a reason here because you want to get back with your ex. You weren’t being unreasonable chatting to your mate.

If FWB wants more then you are BU and should cut ties. You know this. Be nice.

Forget about your ex. If you want a partner then focus on dating. Nothing wrong w FWB but they can be distracting

Ignore all the people telling you are psychologically flawed for liking casual sex. That’s about them not you.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/09/2022 19:27

ManateeFair · 30/09/2022 18:45

It sounds as if your self-esteem is very much dependent on male attention. You don’t really fancy FWB1 but you like leading him on and having him at your beck and call. You’re fretting about your ex DP even though he dumped you and clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. You have to have a ‘back up option’ because you can’t possibly just be single for five minutes.

To be honest, I just find your whole post a bit sad and depressing. You seem to telling yourself you’re having fun but it all seems quite hollow and desperate to me. What are you trying to prove? It’s clearly not really about sex because you don’t even fancy FWB1. It’s as if men are the only reason you exist.

No it doesn’t. It sounds like the OP enjoys sex. Your post says much more about you than the OP.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2022 19:32

Have sex with who you want but don't enter a 'proper' relationship while entertaining anyone you're only interested in for sex.

AMindNeedsBooks · 30/09/2022 19:36

If you know you are not interested in FWB1 then you need to stop leading him on because he clearly has feelings for you, it's really not fair. You'll end up sleeping with him and give him hope. It's ok saying he knows, but you've admitted you know he's trying to get you to 'like' him again.

Other than FWB1 I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

lookeelikee · 30/09/2022 19:44

MEH. They're all grown ups

Ipigglemustdie · 30/09/2022 19:52

Classy 😷

quietnightmare · 30/09/2022 20:15

Find yourself people you can have fun with without hurting anyones feelings. You are better than that.

wackamole · 30/09/2022 20:27

No issues about keeping FWB1 from the ex; it was only ever platonic + sexual, the sexual part was over, and anyway ex said he didn't care.

RE FWB1: does he want to go back ONLY to the old FWB arrangement (friendship + sex but no romantic feelings, no expectations of becoming a couple)? If he wants more, you should stop encouraging it and be very clear it's not happening. If it's just adding sex back in, do you want that? You said you no longer felt attracted to/sexually interested in him; has that changed? If not, don't set yourself up for sex you don't actively want or unclear expectations or hurt feelings that may cause you to lose a stable and enjoyable friendship.

I wouldn't try to fit the FWB, etc. stuff into the exact framework of how you were brought up and your parents' standards of behaviour when you were a child; from the marriage length I'd assume you're 45+ and a massive amount has changed. Rather consider whether you're sticking to your values more generally: respect for yourself and others, setting and maintaining boundaries, being trustworthy, and so on.

(And, not that you asked, but I'd try to get over the ex: I can't imagine a backstory or explanation that would restore my trust in a partner who'd ended a serious relationship "on a whim".)

Noteverybodylives · 30/09/2022 20:33

I think you need to be single for a while.

FWBs are great but I think you’re not in the right headspace for anyone right now.

Take some time away from men completely and learn to be happy alone and figure out what you actually want.

erikbloodaxe · 30/09/2022 21:02

Go out, be with people, enjoy yourself and be happy but try keeping your knickers on and your knees togetherGrin