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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas with Newborn and toddler

36 replies

papermoose · 30/09/2022 11:47

I am currently pregnant and due in November. I have a toddler who will be 2 on Christmas day. Im just in a bit of a mind pickle about the decision i am making for christmas day with my other half with regards to his parents and aunts and uncles. Every year (before we had kids) Christmas day would either be at his parents or his Aunties and they would usually host which were always really enjoyable. Last year I remember we all went out for Christmas dinner with my DD who was one at the time and I have to admit it was really exhausting and full-on. They want to do the same this year with the newborn as well so they can meet all the family but the thought of it literally makes me want to run away.

I have said to my other half that this year I would like to just spend it in the house just the 4 of us and have his parents round in the morning to do presents and have breakfast. We also have invited the family round the boxing day (as we celebrate DD birthday on that day) so they all can meet the baby. I have made it clear that this is only because I will be tired and just don't want to uproot the baby and toddler or myself. I just want to stay inside this year and that every other year we will do whatever they want but they are quite insistent that they want us there this year. They said they will come and get us and take us all there and back to make it easier which is lovely but I would still rather stay indoors. They are the kind of people who are quite sensitive and like to be the ones to plan and host and i really feel like im being pressured into pushing myself to doing something i REALLY don't feel able to do. There is no compromise either and my other half doesn't want to upset them so I don't really get much of a back up from him it makes me feel like im being unreasonable but im literally doing what i feel is right for my physical well-being.

Im also a healthcare worker and work oncall so will probably have to work christmas days and boxing days in the future where i will miss out and I just wanted one christmas where we could just be a family unit with our babies in our own home. It's bringing me down and I feel angry and frustrated sometimes that no one has even taken into consideration what I want to do. Im scared I might say something and cause an uproar which I really don't want! They mean well but are just a bit overbearing and intense and very unwilling to be flexible.

Sorry for the essay. Has anyone else had similar experiences!

OP posts:
AuldReekie1905 · 30/09/2022 11:51

Yanbu. You are likely to also still be recovering from birth. With a toddler and a newborn, I think a family Christmas at home just the four of you is more than reasonable. I'd even find it reasonable to not have family round twice on Christmas morning AND boxing day, and just pick one of those instead.

dreamersdown · 30/09/2022 11:54

Stand your ground on this one. You don’t say when you’re due, but you could be just 6 weeks PP - who knows what you’ll be thinking and feeling. Just tell them that you’re not making decisions about Christmas right now but for them to make plans that don’t include you as you expect to be at home alone.

Weenurse · 30/09/2022 11:57

Christmas at home.
I think it sucks to give a child presents Christmas morning and then tell them they can’t play with them because you are going out for lunch!
I bet the alternative Christmases started so one matriarch didn’t have to uproot their DC Christmas morning.

mondaytosunday · 30/09/2022 12:00

What does your husband think? He's the one that needs to be firm with his family, and if he's not on board with your decision he will be too wishy washy with them. Sit him down and say Christmas at home. You do not want a repeat of last year snd will have just given birth. Then he has to get his family to understand.

Sallyh87 · 30/09/2022 12:07

Since we had DD we have done Christmas at home just us. Last year she was 1.5 and I didn’t even cook dinner. She had chicken nuggets and chips and a slice of cheese (this is what she wanted!). DH and I had a massive cheese and meat platter with crusty bread and red wine when she went to sleep. We went for a walk, played and watched Christmas movies. It was perfect. Taking an over stimulated, tired toddler out for the day does not appeal to me at all.

This year we will stay in the same, but I’m pregnant so alas no wine! I might do a roast though as DD might eat it but I will have nuggets on standby 😄

emmathedilemma · 30/09/2022 12:15

oh jeez no, they can't be serious?!? Stand your ground....you could even still be recovering from a C section by then if you aren't due until the mid/end of November or go overdue. A newborn and a toddler is not going to be a relaxing or enjoyable meal out, and you'd be paying an absolute premium for the "pleasure" on Xmas Day. Have a chilled out day at home playing with toys in your PJs and see them on Boxing day.

xogossipgirlxo · 30/09/2022 12:19

Gosh. My family is exactly the same, they don't take no for an answer. They just don't get how come family won't be together for Christmas. But you'll be only few weeks postpartum, it's totally understandable that you want to stay home this year. Your husband needs to support you and talk to his family.

MimiSunshine · 30/09/2022 12:21

Just keep smiling and saying ‘thank you for thinking of us and it’s a very kind offer to not drink and ferry us around all day, but we’re going to stay at home on Christmas Day this year. Can’t wait to see you all on Boxing Day though’.

for 1 thing how will they fit you all in one car? And for another, subtlety reminding them of the no drinking / ferrying you around aspect of collecting you will hopefully get them to back off.

don’t give loads of reasons why you’re staying at home, just keep repeating that you are.

mamabear715 · 30/09/2022 12:26

Don't give in. I totally agree with you. You'll have a newborn baby, not a doll.

Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 13:05

Thank you so much for your responses. This has made me feel better if anything. Im a bit of a people pleaser so it's in my nature to be like "ok" but i honestly feel like im not a machine and it would be an awful experience. I tried to make it an easy compromise for them as I thought would be nice for them to do the present thing with them so they're not missing out and get to spend the christmas morning with their grandchildren and then head off to the pub and enjoy a drink without kids to help look after! I honestly thought it would be the best of both worlds for them but clearly not! There's going to be no enjoyment in it for DD either as she has proper stranger anxiety with aunties and uncles she hasn't seen for a while! Im due mid november so 5 weeks from Christmas. Im gonna persevere and put my foot down though but im gonna have to be so careful how im gonna do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 13:11

h

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 30/09/2022 13:16

It shouldn’t be you doing it! It should DH! It’s his family after all! He needs to say “DW will still be recovering from the birth and it’s too much for her physically, so we’re staying home, no ifs or buts!

Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 13:20

Sallyh87 · 30/09/2022 12:07

Since we had DD we have done Christmas at home just us. Last year she was 1.5 and I didn’t even cook dinner. She had chicken nuggets and chips and a slice of cheese (this is what she wanted!). DH and I had a massive cheese and meat platter with crusty bread and red wine when she went to sleep. We went for a walk, played and watched Christmas movies. It was perfect. Taking an over stimulated, tired toddler out for the day does not appeal to me at all.

This year we will stay in the same, but I’m pregnant so alas no wine! I might do a roast though as DD might eat it but I will have nuggets on standby 😄

Sounds like the Christmas I've been dreaming off since last year! Hope you enjoy! :)

OP posts:
Goldbar · 30/09/2022 13:21

I don't think there's any point in being particularly tactful about it. I would just tell your OH that you're not moving this Christmas and that's that. Leave it to him to manage his family. Carting a tiny baby and toddler around while you just want to lie on the sofa sounds like hell.

Thehop · 30/09/2022 13:29

“Hmmm I’m not sure how I’ll feel then, make plans for you guys and we’ll just see you at ours Boxing Day” type responses. No arguing, just a decision.

Hopeful16 · 30/09/2022 13:38

Absolutely do not go! Have your Christmas- send a firm but very clear text message to them saying thanks for the kind offer but it will be too much for you both and the children.
Then buy in loads of stuff that you've not been able to eat (that doesn't need preparation as you'll probably be doing this on Boxing Day) and enjoy playing, watching tv and relaxing.
If you feel that you need to, invite them for croissants and coffee for breakfast but remember you will be VERY tired with a tiny baby and a toddler!
I wish someone had told me this the Christmas I had a 5 week old and a 23 month old- I absolutely hated the whole time, rushing around trying to please everyone!

Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 13:44

xogossipgirlxo · 30/09/2022 12:19

Gosh. My family is exactly the same, they don't take no for an answer. They just don't get how come family won't be together for Christmas. But you'll be only few weeks postpartum, it's totally understandable that you want to stay home this year. Your husband needs to support you and talk to his family.

It's like "we belong to them" is the message I get from them sometimes. It's like my other half is their baby so his babies are their babies and they need to have a say in all the decisions!! They got upset that I enrolled DD in nursery for 2 days of the week as they are the days they look after her. These were days I was at work and I honestly felt I was doing them a favour as it meant they weren't obligated to look after her every week as it's tiring as we all know and thought would give them a break so they could plan holidays and weren't tied down with childcare plus they could still see her on the weekends instead but they were not happy and instead suggested that "they" take her to a nursery near them instead on different days! Don't get me wrong they are so attentive and have been amazing help and adore their grandaughter but it's like they over step the mark sometimes and forget that she is our daughter... not theirs and we are the ones that should make the decisions not them.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 30/09/2022 13:46

Just say no

Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 13:50

Goldbar · 30/09/2022 13:21

I don't think there's any point in being particularly tactful about it. I would just tell your OH that you're not moving this Christmas and that's that. Leave it to him to manage his family. Carting a tiny baby and toddler around while you just want to lie on the sofa sounds like hell.

It will be hell! I know I need to be more assertive cos it seems the more flexible I am the more they take liberties!

OP posts:
NightmareSituation · 30/09/2022 13:53

A firm “I know you are disappointed but this year we are staying at home. It is better for the children as well as us while they are young to have everything they need to hand”. After this you can stick with “I’ve made the decision and it is what is best for us and the children”.

Jjones8 · 30/09/2022 13:54

Stand firm. Do what works for you and your own little family. Everyone else’s needs come behind that.

Sallyh87 · 30/09/2022 13:57

@papermoose , thanks very much I will 😀. This will be a really special Christmas for you with a new baby and another little one. You don’t need to sacrifice your happiness for what they want.

Additionally

  • taking a two year old old out to dinner is a pointless waste of time and money. Mine would just be up running around and being disruptive after about 5 minutes
  • taking a newborn to a restaurant, what if they have a 15 minute crying session and it’s too cold to go outside. Not fun. For you or anyone else.
  • I would not have felt physically capable to go out at 5 weeks. I was recovering and felt gross and tired.

I think it was very nice of you to offer the presents session in the morning.

Geranium1984 · 30/09/2022 13:57

This is going to be me 🙈
I have a 2yo and due my second in November. I can't think of anything worse than traipsing around to relatives (we usually stay 2 nights) with all the gear this year.

I'm not sure how the relatives are going to take it if we just want to come for say the afternoon. It would be nice for my little boy as this will be the first year he kind of understands Christmas and he loves his older cousins.

Hopefully they'll cut us some slack for one year and we won't get any backlash.

Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 14:39

Geranium1984 · 30/09/2022 13:57

This is going to be me 🙈
I have a 2yo and due my second in November. I can't think of anything worse than traipsing around to relatives (we usually stay 2 nights) with all the gear this year.

I'm not sure how the relatives are going to take it if we just want to come for say the afternoon. It would be nice for my little boy as this will be the first year he kind of understands Christmas and he loves his older cousins.

Hopefully they'll cut us some slack for one year and we won't get any backlash.

It just baffles me how people don't get it! People who have had kids!! Maybe they're just so old they forget what an absolute siege it is carting a newborn and toddler around and all their stuff when you're already sleep deprived and postpartumy!! I really hope you can get a christmas at home with your little ones and best of luck with your new arrival!

OP posts:
Original poster
papermoose · 30/09/2022 14:43

Sallyh87 · 30/09/2022 13:57

@papermoose , thanks very much I will 😀. This will be a really special Christmas for you with a new baby and another little one. You don’t need to sacrifice your happiness for what they want.

Additionally

  • taking a two year old old out to dinner is a pointless waste of time and money. Mine would just be up running around and being disruptive after about 5 minutes
  • taking a newborn to a restaurant, what if they have a 15 minute crying session and it’s too cold to go outside. Not fun. For you or anyone else.
  • I would not have felt physically capable to go out at 5 weeks. I was recovering and felt gross and tired.

I think it was very nice of you to offer the presents session in the morning.

Literally all 3 of those points is 100% all im thinking of and it's turning my stomach! lol!

OP posts:
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