Christmas with Newborn and toddler

[papermoose]

I am currently pregnant and due in November. I have a toddler who will be 2 on Christmas day. Im just in a bit of a mind pickle about the decision i am making for christmas day with my other half with regards to his parents and aunts and uncles. Every year (before we had kids) Christmas day would either be at his parents or his Aunties and they would usually host which were always really enjoyable. Last year I remember we all went out for Christmas dinner with my DD who was one at the time and I have to admit it was really exhausting and full-on. They want to do the same this year with the newborn as well so they can meet all the family but the thought of it literally makes me want to run away.

I have said to my other half that this year I would like to just spend it in the house just the 4 of us and have his parents round in the morning to do presents and have breakfast. We also have invited the family round the boxing day (as we celebrate DD birthday on that day) so they all can meet the baby. I have made it clear that this is only because I will be tired and just don't want to uproot the baby and toddler or myself. I just want to stay inside this year and that every other year we will do whatever they want but they are quite insistent that they want us there this year. They said they will come and get us and take us all there and back to make it easier which is lovely but I would still rather stay indoors. They are the kind of people who are quite sensitive and like to be the ones to plan and host and i really feel like im being pressured into pushing myself to doing something i REALLY don't feel able to do. There is no compromise either and my other half doesn't want to upset them so I don't really get much of a back up from him it makes me feel like im being unreasonable but im literally doing what i feel is right for my physical well-being.

Im also a healthcare worker and work oncall so will probably have to work christmas days and boxing days in the future where i will miss out and I just wanted one christmas where we could just be a family unit with our babies in our own home. It's bringing me down and I feel angry and frustrated sometimes that no one has even taken into consideration what I want to do. Im scared I might say something and cause an uproar which I really don't want! They mean well but are just a bit overbearing and intense and very unwilling to be flexible.

Sorry for the essay. Has anyone else had similar experiences!

Having done a Christmas with this sort of age less is definitely more and it's best to keep things simple. Remind your family that they won't be this young forever and you will be open to doing different things at Christmas as they get older.

I would say no to the lunch on Christmas Day, Skype them on Christmas morning to say happy Christmas to toddler who will be far too excited to do anything other than say hello, then show them the baby looking cute. Ask them round for Boxing Day breakfast when toddler will be a little less ott and probably in the mood for opening more presents. They can then enjoy watching toddler opening the present they have given in a less hectic atmosphere, plus have a little cuddle of the new baby.

Allow me to introduce you to our family concept of “Fake Christmas”. It’s the big family Christmas, but not on Christmas Day itself - it’s usually one of the other weekends in December. None of us really want to travel on Christmas itself (Fake Christmas originally stemmed from when we were younger and relying on public transport and/or driving and wanting to have some drinks, and it’s now even more relevant when there are babies and children and we’re a bit more spread out). I usually host it as I have the biggest house / table and we open presents from each other, have a full-blown Christmas dinner, and my sisters bring things like cheese / pudding, and sometimes some people stay over. Then on Christmas itself, we all do our own thing. Which might involve a bit of visiting but importantly, nobody feels compelled. My mum usually comes to ours as she’s on her own, but otherwise it’s just us 5 at home (and in fact this year I might do non-traditional food and let everyone choose their favourite meal and I’ll make them all).

You keep saying about them being sensitive, treading carefully, not wanting to upset them, but are they showing the slightest bit of concern back about upsetting you? From what you have said, no they are not. You are heavily pregnant - use it to your advantage. If they push again, have a complete crying breakdown about how they are stressing you out so much with their unreasonable demands, not listening to you and not thinking about your health or the happiness of either of your children on Christmas day by trying to force you out into public, and away from comfort, toys and presents. I think they need to see your emotions for it to really impact upon them how thoughtless and demanding they are being. Also the nursery malarkey- wtf?!

Agree. It should come from the DH But I think one of the reasons this is blowing up is because her DH is unable to do it or doesn't fully see how it could be that distressing.
and then OP is stuck waiting around for DH to act and then probably leaving it too late on the grounds that if they do nothing it will all blow over so it might be a risk leaving it up to him. I think you have to have a firm talk with your DH OP and remind him that you don't need to be worrying about relatives' plans that are set in stone so far in advance and that you expect him to support you and back you up. Remind him that no one knows exactly how the pregnancy/birth will go and You need flexibility.
Make this clear to PILs as soon as possible they have plenty of time to get used to the idea before Christmas. Hopefully if DH backs you up, and they are normally kind, they will see you are not being unreasonable.

I quite like @MimiSunshine suggestion of say thank you but no and smile and wave which keeps it calm but resolute. Texting is a good way to make it very clear
I was in the same position, in-laws wanted me to decamp over 100 miles away from my hospital for Xmas, which I "selfishly and obstinately" refused (I thought I'd been very polite!) Then they wanted me to host the whole extended family at our house instead.
I'm so glad I stood my ground, it saved me weeks of anxiety and rushing about. I had to be induced and was in the hospital for a week anyway. Once I'd given a firm no, it was one less thing to worry about and such a relief that it was worth putting up with their complaints about me.

Oh no, absolutely not - you are so right. Christmas at home when the kids are little and no hosting. You are already being more than generous with the morning and boxing day!

Thanks for your suggestions. Yeah im thinking of emailing his mum as i can articulate things better than actually talking plus i can see what im actually saying and I know sometimes i feel irate and don't want to say anything flippant in the moment! It is something that I really want to be firm about but these people are like soooo sensitive it's honestly like dealing with children so i have to make sure i navigate this carefully unless i want to deal with tears from a toddler, newborn and Mother inlaw on christmas day (FML!). Again I cannot understand why people cannot just THINK about what they're asking someone to do who's just had a baby. It's just selfish and thoughtless. My own Mother is the complete opposite of this and I intend on being the same with my daughters when/if they have little ones!

Thank you! x

I can’t think of anything worse on Christmas day than having to wrangle a toddler and a newborn at a pub.

Stick to your plans!

Or restaurant!

Why isn’t your husband telling his parents no?

Personally, I don’t see how they ‘mean well’ at all. They mean to get their own way, that’s it. Anyone who actually meant well would want you to be as comfortable as possible, given you’re going to be freshly postpartum with a newborn and toddler, and would agree without hesitation to whatever you said you need.

And that’s the thing to keep in mind: you have NEEDS. They have WANTS. Needs always trump wants.