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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a vape

30 replies

BaggyAndWrinkled · 29/09/2022 23:14

DD(14) has been spending a disproportionate amount of time in her room lately, vanishing for lengths of time to "tidy up/read/do homework" etc. she's a good kid but has had her teenage moments lately.

Checked her phone tonight after I saw that she'd lied to me about what she was doing and I've found video selfies of her vaping, swearing, discussing vaping with her friends.

She was white as a sheet when she realised that I was checking her phone and after literally chasing me around the house to try and grab it from my hands, has gone to bed. I've been sitting for ages, in shock a bit and thinking about how to handle this. She and her friends are high fliers in school and have been generally good kids but I've noticed that but have become to think rather highly of themselves, my daughter included.

My Mum has just finished a course of radiotherapy and we will soon be having to discuss palliative care, so maybe I'm being a bit over sensitive. I usually pride myself for keeping a level-head, but tonight I'm out of kilter.

Can you help me think straight please? How should I handle this?

OP posts:
Geppili · 29/09/2022 23:24

Keep calm and don't blow up. You need to keep communication open. I would want to know if she is vaping nicotine or just flavoured juice.

CountingCrowns · 29/09/2022 23:56

there are far worse things a 14 year old could be doing

Original poster
BaggyAndWrinkled · 30/09/2022 05:14

Thanks @Geppili
I'll check.

It looks like the 3 friends have bought it between themselves and have been sharing it. I'm very good friends with one of the Mums - I should tell her shouldn't I? I'd want to know.

She's going to be grounded for a while and device's confiscated.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaggyAndWrinkled · 30/09/2022 05:15

CountingCrowns · 29/09/2022 23:56

there are far worse things a 14 year old could be doing

Well, quite.

But this isn't going to be acceptable behaviour in our family so needs to be addressed.

OP posts:
NurseInTraining · 30/09/2022 05:29

Take a breath - teenagers do stupid things. Give both of you time to calm down and then explain, rationally, why vaping isn't a good idea (maybe take some time to do research before so you can back this up with the fact rather than emotion). This will be difficult but the calmer you can be the more receptive she will be.

RainingRubies · 30/09/2022 05:32

Wow. What a huge overreaction.

Understandable given what else is going on in your life but don't project that onto your daughter.

Calm down and then just talk to her? This is no a big deal.

Original poster
BaggyAndWrinkled · 30/09/2022 05:33

Thanks @NurseInTraining - I'm trying to keep calm. Telling DH is not an option - he'll fly off the handle (understatement). I'll keep calm though.

Should I tell the other parents?

OP posts:
NurseInTraining · 30/09/2022 05:47

BaggyAndWrinkled · 30/09/2022 05:33

Thanks @NurseInTraining - I'm trying to keep calm. Telling DH is not an option - he'll fly off the handle (understatement). I'll keep calm though.

Should I tell the other parents?

No, the more you make of this the bigger deal it will seem. DD is a teenager and will have an opinion. These might be right or wrong and you may or may not agree with them. The bigger deal you make it the more appealing it may seem depending on how DD thinks. The most important thing is to present her with the (edited maybe) facts and allow DD to make up her own mind.
And really, if she vapes for a few months she will probably learn quite quickly that it is expensive, inconvenient and looks stupid. All you can do is subtly reinforce this.

Namechangedincaseshesonhere · 30/09/2022 05:51

Sorry, but I was a bad teen, but vaping, are you kidding! I tried crack at that age!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/09/2022 05:53

It's a vape, she's not injecting heroin, come on.

Just talk to her, she might have hated it but felt peer pressure to do it. Google together the pros and cons of it. Ask how she feels, tell her how your feel about it.

You need to keep communication open so she knows she can come to you if something worse than this happens.

ZuliKyanLarsFoz · 30/09/2022 05:54

I think I would have a similar reaction to you OP. It may not be drugs/alcohol but it wouldn't be acceptable in our house either. I would try and stay rational with her and remove privileges etc. I think I would tell the other parents actually as I would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot.

GingerPigz · 30/09/2022 05:55

My 16 yr old DD vapes and whilst we do not support this at all (she has been told that she is not allowed to do this at home and if we catch her doing it there will be dire consequences... not sure what dire consequences there will be though 🤔) we know that it is all about growing up, pushing boundaries and claiming independence. I can understand how upsetting this is for you given the circumstances but it isn't as awful as you (have indicated that you) believe. She has probably already been put off doing it again (now that you know). Either that or she will be more careful hiding it. It's pretty much out of your control. She's aware of the negatives and will make her own decision. Don't let this drive a wedge between you and don't bother telling the other parents.

evrey · 30/09/2022 06:07

I feel for you I really do with everything else that Is going on in your life this is the last thing you need.
I would cut her finances, so she can't buy vapes etc.
I wouldn't go to the other parents, as she will need her friends and isolating her from them at a time of family upset may make her rebel.

ghostsandpumpkinsalready · 30/09/2022 06:16

Your proper overreacting.
At 14 I was a bit of a twat 🤷‍♀️.
I was having sex,drinking and smoking cannabis.Trying a vape is the least of your worries and if you go too far on the lectures/grounding you will just make her secretive and less likely to share things with you!

Donotgogentle · 30/09/2022 06:21

I agree with pp, I’ve had this recently with DS.

I’ve reiterated it’s likely to cause inflammation in the lungs and best not to get started on any type of nicotine products.

But I’ve said little else, teens experiment. I wouldn’t stop pocket money or tell other parents.

Donotgogentle · 30/09/2022 06:22

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-63076876

Good info maybe to share here.

YennefersDress · 30/09/2022 06:25

I'm so sorry about your mum OP 💐 you're dealing with so much at the moment, I do think you're overreacting a bit about the vapes but i get why, with everything else you have going on.

I think if you ground her/take away her phone it will just cause more stress all round. You said she's a good kid and just sounds like a normal teenager tbh. How is she dealing with your mum's illness as well? Perhaps talk with her, explain why you're disappointed and that you aren't happy about her doing it. Perhaps limit her money to make it harder for her to buy them- I would do this over taking the phone away and grounding her.

For your own sake I would approach it like this- you really don't need more stress at the moment either!

Shiningstarr · 30/09/2022 06:25

Definitely don't tell other parents. How do you know that they aren't already aware? It's none of your business.

I agree with the majority here in that there are far worse things she could be doing, and just talk to her about it, but she will probably just carry on, just behind your back.

Violashift · 30/09/2022 06:32

Donotgogentle · 30/09/2022 06:21

I agree with pp, I’ve had this recently with DS.

I’ve reiterated it’s likely to cause inflammation in the lungs and best not to get started on any type of nicotine products.

But I’ve said little else, teens experiment. I wouldn’t stop pocket money or tell other parents.

I agree with this you could totally damage any trust and your relationship with your groundings and taking phones.

It's better to have a discussion and take it from an opinion of disappointment. After all its less than 4 years until she is 18. Don't damage the relationship.
Encourage and show her the facts calmly.

DesignerRecliner · 30/09/2022 06:33

I would absolutely tell the other parents. I was caught with a bottle of vodka and 2 mates in the park at that age, and it would've been a regular thing if all 3 parents hadn't gone ape shit.

You can't endorse this or let it slide and I'd also be removing her phone. Vapes are starting to be seen as harmless which is very worrying!

GreenManalishi · 30/09/2022 06:35

As she's already proved, she's capable of independent thought and action now, so grounding her, punishing her, flying off the handle or hitting the roof is going to work against you and achieve the opposite effect.

Your goal at this stage is increasing and keeping the communication going. Try to be calm and curious, make sure she knows that of its nicotine it's really addictive then give her a break. They're marketed at teenagers here's an interesting BBC podcast which might be a good place to talk with her from.

Teenagers aren't a project to get right or complete, this is a relationship to be maintained. Make sure she knows that you love her, and can come to you.

MintJulia · 30/09/2022 06:35

How much money do you give her?

I'd cut stop her allowance and when she asks why, explain that you don't work so she can waste money on crap.

If she wants to earn money herself, and then waste it, that is her choice.

TeeBee · 30/09/2022 06:36

OP, I found similar with my DS. I then went online and looked at all the conflicting advice and pulled down some balanced information. I then had a chat to him about whether he and his friends were vaping. Of course, no outright admittance but he did say it was rife in their friendship group. Honestly, they think there's no harm at all in it. I pointed out how it could affect all the sports he's involved in and emailed him some information to read. I then left him with it to think about what he wanted for his own health, both short and long term. Told him he had to make his own decisions but to make them from a place of being informed rather than just following less-informed people. No sign of anything since but there comes a point where you can only do what you can do. My DS is 17, he's not a baby anymore. Do you think appealing to her intelligence might work? My son said 'oh, they all think they're harmless but that's obviously not true'.

IwishIwasSupermum · 30/09/2022 06:45

OP - I have similar views on vaping - hate the stuff, the synthetic smell makes me feel sick, DS 18 started and still does but not in my home. DD tried, also found a picture of her vaping on her phone, she’s asthmatic, so with both of mine I’ve told
them of the unknown health issues that may come out. I’m gutted I lost my mum suddenly age 52 to a condition that has smoking as a number one cause, she was a heavy smoker. Vaping/smoking all the same to me. Absolutely detest it and gutted both my DC have tried it.

autienotnaughty · 30/09/2022 06:46

I would warn the other parent that your dd has done it so they can check without saying you think their child has too. Some people are saying this is an over reaction but it really depends on your situation and views on vaping. I would be furious and agree re grounding and devices, if it was my dd I'd want them to know this is unacceptable.