Found a vape

[BaggyAndWrinkled]

DD(14) has been spending a disproportionate amount of time in her room lately, vanishing for lengths of time to "tidy up/read/do homework" etc. she's a good kid but has had her teenage moments lately.

Checked her phone tonight after I saw that she'd lied to me about what she was doing and I've found video selfies of her vaping, swearing, discussing vaping with her friends.

She was white as a sheet when she realised that I was checking her phone and after literally chasing me around the house to try and grab it from my hands, has gone to bed. I've been sitting for ages, in shock a bit and thinking about how to handle this. She and her friends are high fliers in school and have been generally good kids but I've noticed that but have become to think rather highly of themselves, my daughter included.

My Mum has just finished a course of radiotherapy and we will soon be having to discuss palliative care, so maybe I'm being a bit over sensitive. I usually pride myself for keeping a level-head, but tonight I'm out of kilter.

Can you help me think straight please? How should I handle this?

I don't think you overreacted at all OP and I can't believe how some posters are so relaxed about it just because they did worse at that age. I also did worse at that age and I desperately don't want that for my kids.

Why are you invading her privacy and going through her phone, how awful.

Total overreaction. I'd be very careful in your shoes as your behaviour may cause your dd to become increasingly secretive.

Communication is vital at that age!!

I hate vapping, sadly it does seem the thing now. High nicotine =addictive

Agreed it’s not the worse thing they could be doing and how you react now is the laying the future foundations of communications.
I’d go with your really disappointed, pocket money will be reduced by the value if the vape as you don’t support it and it’s up to them to decide - give them the choice. Rules in place that you don’t do it at home - if the bedroom smells sweet it’s not perfume!

I wouldnt tell the parents directly. But I would expect them to tell their own parents what they been doing & been caught,

Why are you invading her privacy and going through her phone, how awful.

Parents who notice a change of behaviour which worries them should absolutely check their child’s phone! Parents are responsible for ensuring their child’s safety, and that includes checking who they are in contact with. How awful that you wouldn’t.

OP, I think you need a sensible conversation with her. Lots of children that age have taken up vaping, but that doesn’t make it okay. I’d cut her allowance completely.

@FacebookPhotos

I respected my dcs privacy, they are now young adults who I'm incredibly close to, friends who were much stricter and less respectful have dc who are distant from them. Coincidence? I think not.

You don't protect your child by snooping, you protect them by educating them and empowering them with all the necessary tools to negotiate life, relationships, social media.
Would you trust someone who invaded your privacy?

I didn't need to pry, both my dc spoke openly to me about some pretty eye opening stuff, as did some of their friends who weren't able to do so in their own homes.