I don’t want you to sit next to me

[Whataddsupthewayitdidwhenwewereyoung]

Dd has just started in a pre school, we’re in another country so it’s not her first language, although we’ve been teaching her some words.
There’s one other English girl who speaks both languages and I think Dd feels a bit safer being around her. She told me today that when she goes to sit next to her on the carpet, this girl keeps saying ‘I don’t want you to sit next to me’ 😔
Seems such a silly thing, but seeing her see face when she tells me and not understanding is so sad, she’s so lovely and innocent and hasn’t yet been tarred by the complications in friendships etc
What would you say to her? Would you approach the teacher or is that completely ridiculous

*Wee face

Anyone…

it is hard, but the other girl is allowed to say that. She has not been rude or hostile, she is just expressing a preference.

tell your DD that different people like different things, and that other girl might just want some space. Is there any other child that DD likes to hang out with even without much shared language?

@parietal Of course she’s entitled to say that…not the nicest thing to say though 🙈but I’m wondering why 🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s only just started so doesn’t really know anyone, I said to her she could go and sit next to someone else and there’s lots of nice friends etc

Aw that’s so hard on your DD. I wonder why the school hasn’t matched her with another student as a buddy? That’s usually what schools did when we moved. They’d pick a student with similar interests and personality and had them be a buddy to welcome my DC to the class. Perhaps ask teacher for something similar?

Sounds like something my dd would say - it wouldn't be about that child but more about them being too close. Maybe just role play some different options with her, but don't take it personally

Could you ask one of the staff if there's another little girl who is perhaps shy who would like someone to sit next to her?

@Discovereads I think they’ve sat her next to her at tables because she’s the only other English child…which I get, but also she won’t learn much if always with her, language wise.
My Dd is v friendly and this girl looks quite quiet and serious, which is fair enough (I was more like the quiet girl) just feels sad when she tells me this, maybe Dd is bugging her 🤷🏻‍♀️I asked why she thinks she said it and she said she didn’t know, I said she might be shy or just want to sit by herself and she said she’s not shy

@Findahouse21 Roleplay how?

@OnTheBrinkOfChange I wondered whether to bring it up to the teacher, what the little girl said? Not as in telling on the girl but just trying to find out how they are together and if it’s Dd who’s being too much or they’re just not a good match 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry, didn't see your reply. I use dolls or small figures with dd2 because she prefers that, but with dd1 we pretended to be the characters ourselves. Then we'd act out a situation that one if them was finding tough and talk about what the 'dd character' could do or say next. Webm'd try loads of options, some silly and some serious, and dd would often identify their own solutions. So in this instance I can imagine dd1 choosing to say 'i'll sit here (further away) but maybe we can play later'

What a mean thing to say! The other little girl doesn't control the space around her and she isn't allowed to order your DD to move seats or sit elsewhere. She's not the one in charge.

I would tell your DD to sit where she likes first of all and if the other little girl doesn't like it, she is free to move seats herself.

Then tell the teacher that the other child is not reciprocating your DD's efforts to make friends and is perhaps finding your DD a bit overwhelming as she is obviously seeking refuge with the other English speaking child and could she assist. That is literally her job at this stage to manage these things.

And don't worry, they are like sponges at this age, your DD will be fluent in no time and won't have to speak to Madam anymore.

Perhaps the other little girl is finding it too much acting as informal interpreter for your DD? If that girl can speak to the others and wants to play with a variety of DC, she may be feeling stifled always having to speak English to your DD which may not be very inclusive to the other DC.
I’d get your DD some language lessons asap. She’ll pick it up quickly but anything you can do to help will smooth the process.

@THisbackwithavengeance I hope you don't have a little girl

I would speak to the teacher. Not to force a friendship (obvs) but to ensure your DD feels welcome and happy. She’ll be making friends in no time, especially as you say she’s outgoing.

Well that does sound like you want the other girl in trouble, however you wrap it up.

"Of course she’s entitled to say that…not the nicest thing to say though"

We should all tell our DD's that they don't have to be nice, they can state their wants. The buddy system is good, if it is just a friendship support, but children shouldn't have to give classroom or language support.

What a strange comment! The other DC made a mean comment and tried to tell the OP's DD where to sit. Why should that be encouraged?

By the way, I did have a lIttle girl who is in her teens now. She's a very kind, friendly and very popular person who has always been inclusive to other DCs and has a massive friendship group as a result.

I also did the role play when my dd was that age to another child that used to be a bit mean. I didn’t over emphasise it or make it a big deal though just taught her how to respond.
mean child: I don’t want to sit next to you
my dd: ok I will sit over there

mean child: I don’t want to be your friend
my dd: that’s ok, I will make different friends

etc etc

it helped her with the situation and actually that child then wanted to be her friend and I told her to accept and be gracious about it. Rise above it all

@THisbackwithavengeance I really hope you don't have a DD

OP look, we need to make sure our kids, especially our daughters, learn boundaries and consent. The other girl may not like people sitting close, may not want to be friends or maybe fed up of supporting her. She is allowed to say it.

Teach your daughter that, she is also ok to ask someone to move away.

Speak to the teacher though because you definitely need your daughter to feel welcome and happy, she might learn better sitting with another child, she might make other friends. All this will also teach your DD resilience.

But surely we should also be thinking about teaching the subtleties of social interactions. Someone sits next to you but is being pleasant, the onus is on you to move. Someone sits next to you and is unpleasant you can ask them to move or explain clearly why you are moving.

You don't just get to be mean (without there being implications for your social interactions).

@THisbackwithavengeance , it isn't mean to enforce your boundaries. Some children are more solitary, like certain personalities etc, they don't have to be friends with everyone. As long as a child isn't insulting, or telling others to join in, they can state that they don't want to sit next to someone. We do that as adults. In the past women were bought up as people pleasers and having lots of friends, being popular doesn't mean that you have good boundaries.

Read my response to the other OP who said the same bullshit comment.

If my DC is in a class setting and chooses to sit somewhere for whatever reason, another DC is NOT ALLOWED to tell my DC to move away from the seat he or she has chosen. They are not in charge of the seating plans in the classroom, the assembly hall or in the playground. My DC can sit where they like or where the teacher has said not where a Queen Bee or mean child has told them.

However, boundaries being boundaries, if the other DC doesn't like my DC and doesn't want to sit in the vicinity of my DC, then he or she is free to move.

I’d be doing role play and reading stories with her to talk about how she and the other people were feeling.

Id also be doing a lot of meeting and making friends outside of nursery too so she knew many people and as much language as possible but appreciate that might not be possible depending on where you are

I'd speak to the teacher, it's very mean of the little girl to say that