I don’t want you to sit next to me

[Whataddsupthewayitdidwhenwewereyoung]

Dd has just started in a pre school, we’re in another country so it’s not her first language, although we’ve been teaching her some words.
There’s one other English girl who speaks both languages and I think Dd feels a bit safer being around her. She told me today that when she goes to sit next to her on the carpet, this girl keeps saying ‘I don’t want you to sit next to me’ 😔
Seems such a silly thing, but seeing her see face when she tells me and not understanding is so sad, she’s so lovely and innocent and hasn’t yet been tarred by the complications in friendships etc
What would you say to her? Would you approach the teacher or is that completely ridiculous

But surely if you don't want to sit next to someone, you move rather than asking them to move?

Obviously it's different if someone is being unpleasant.

As an adult you wouldn't turn to someone and say 'you can't sit in that seat next to me' to someone who was perfectly entitled to take that seat and was not being by unpleasant to you.

Is she being rude, or is it cultural?

It may not even occur to her, or even the teacher, that she’s being ‘mean’,

I do agree with this. But the OP's child has the right to sit where she wants without being ordered out of her seat. The other DC could've moved herself.

@Holly60 , this child is already sitting on the carpet and is just telling the other child that she doesn't want to sit next to her, we don't know if the OP's DD homes in on her. It then blocks the girl from sitting next to a child that she does like. You can't always move in a classroom and especially on a carpet.

It's unkind at the very least, I would not be happy if one of my kids said that

@THisbackwithavengeance they are on a carpet. It might be that the child has tried moving.

This is pre school so I'm imagining a child of 3 or 4. Children of this age wouldn't have meant anything malicious. I also imagine this small child would have to interpret alot, this is asking way to much for a child of this age. My own child was put in a position to help another child in class when he was 8 (special needs) it was way to much for him and affected his own learning and love for school, I myself had to complain. At preschool this child was showing her annoyance in an age appropriate way. Instead of putting the pressure an a pre schooler work harder on teaching your child the language.

It’s not bullying for someone not to want to be your friend. The reason people are making comments about girls is that girls are conditioned by society to shut their mouths and put up with things they aren’t happy with. And that’s not fair.

I think it’s understandable that your dd would be upset and feels rejected but I would encourage her to seek friendship with others instead. Tell her ‘Some people like their own space’

All children should be encouraged to be kind and polite to each other within reason. However girls are often given the message that they have to be nice and that the need to be nice should override their own needs and preferences. Boys don't get those messages and unkind behaviour from boys is often dismissed as boys being boys.

In the long term that leads to girls and women who can't speak up for themselves, who don't feel they have any right to want things for themselves and boys and men who feel they have the right to treat women like servants with no regard for her feelings, needs or wants. Which leads to women constantly getting the short end of the stick at home and in their careers and other relationships. At worst it leads to abusive marriages.

It sounds like your daughter is a lovely, confident girl. What you said here was only a snapshot and I'm sure you have also encouraged her to value herself and her feelings and not live as a doormat.

OP's daughter sounds like she does need a bit of extra support at the moment, it must be really hard for her to be in a new environment and not even speak the language. But that's for her parents and teacher to help her with. The other children should be encouraged to be kind of course, but if this girl is overwhelmed by acting as an unofficial unpaid interpreter it's not right to expect her to just suck it up and carry on, she deserves kindness and to have her feelings respected too.

In my opinion - you are overthinking. My son HATES close contact. He would easily say that to anyone who sits next to him. But it does not mean he doesn't like that child or being rude. Some kids need more personal space than others. I presume your daughter are always next to her (which is normal, she is looking for support, especially if all others speak different language). I would not escalate this, especially it happened only once.

Hey op I'm not sure how helpful this is but I have just returned to third level and a lady has kind of latched onto me , she doesn't have good English and I think she feels safer with me. Most of the class are male and there is a very small female (3 ladies ) tight knit group beside us. But I just want to get to know everyone and she sometimes pulls me away from the group and will text me and say "I want to spend all day with you" etc, I am finding that hard to navigate as an adult so maybe this other girl is actually being more grown up than me! The lady in my class also needs a lot of help and I am worrying about falling behind myself as I am spending time helping her instead of improving. I like her, she's really sweet but she doesn't seem to realise I'm not a one on one best friend type person.

Maybe the other child wants to make friends with more than one child and is feeling like she isn't being given space to do so.

If it is allowed for the children to sit where they want to, then your daughter can sit where she likes, as can the other child. It is up to the other child to move if they don't want your daughter next to them. IF your daughter then moved again to sit with the other child, then I would perceive it as your child being the issue. However, if your child just stays in her original place, where is the issue?

I agree with this.

Which country it is? It might be cultural differences too. I was really shocked when moved to UK and my colleagues were hugging me at work. We would never do it in our country.

I agree with this also. The OP's DD is probably cramping the other girl's style or she finds it overwhelming. But that is then up to the teacher to manage the situation. If I were the OP, I would 100% tell the teacher and expect them to manage the situation.

It must be horrible for the OP's DD to be in a class where she doesn't speak the language and the only DC with whom you can communicate with has all but told you to go away! I really feel for her and hope the situation improves soon.

We are are talking about very young children here who are learning to be socialised .
when DS was 4 and started at school a boy he was already friends with was really excited they were together and he was waiting for DS before he’d got to his peg, everyday. DS liked him ( still likes him) but it was upsetting him, the other boy wanting to be with him as soon as he arrived, it overwhelmed DS.

I didn’t want DS to express his frustration to the other boy ( very young children), and was worried it would come out as a shove, or with shouting, so I spoke to the teacher who was brilliant . She said she’d organise things so they were both busy elsewhere and made other friends- it really worked . so I would have a word with the teacher, but not in an outraged at what the other child has said way, but in a how can you get your child to be confident with other children in the class. You may find the 2 girls come together naturally if the pressure is off them to be friends because of the language.
Finally in DS’s case, I decided the best thing was to speak to the teacher, but maybe the other girl is being upset by your daughter and has been coached to speak to your daughter so your daughter gives her space? Not very kind, but we are talking about young children who are learning boundaries but the other girl is also young and is not responsible for your child’s happiness.

This is so sad. But I don’t think you can do anything.
Heartbreak is part of the job of parenting.

She isn’t mean- she’s honest! Most under 5s don’t really have a filter.

I’d be encouraging my daughter to give her a little space and sit with someone else for now. Tell the teacher so that they can help her navigate this.

It’s so hard, sorry op. It may be that this girl feels a bit awkward/stressed or put upon since it sounds like your little girl doesn’t speak the language and is a bit dependent on this child. Maybe the little girl doesn’t want to be speaking English or translating for other kids at preschool for whatever reason? It might make her feel awkward or maybe she associates preschool with speaking the language spoken there.

I would definitely speak to the teacher, but not from the angle of ‘please tell Amelia off for being mean and make her sit next to my child.’ I would approach it as ‘my Sophie has been struggling a bit, how can we support her more at home and preschool with the language? And what can be done to support her making friends?’

Maybe the other girl doesn’t want to a full time translator? Maybe she doesn’t want to be forced into a friendship? It doesn’t matter why tbh. It’s unfortunate but you can’t force her to be friends. I have a young daughter myself so I do feel your pain. Has your daughter got friends outside school? Maybe a hobby - swimming, ballet??? I don’t have any tips on teaching resilience, sorry!

Make the preschool aware and ask them to manage it. If the other girl was happy hanging out with certain friends before your DD arrived I can see that it could be annoying if your DD is always stuck to her like glue. I know it sounds so rude butnit was really just a statement of fact about how the other girl feels. Your DD needs to find other friends and the staff should help her with that.

It would have been better if the preschool gave your DD a buddy but sounds a bit late for that now.