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AIBU?

Secret child

33 replies

Blackdog1620 · 29/09/2022 21:06

On Thursday at 8.30 my boyfriend of 5 years tells me he has a ten year old daughter. He has never mentioned her....ever. The mother died 10months ago & he has secretly been meeting up with gardians of his daughter to visit her & them!
Obviously I have questions? He lives in my house with my two kids & his 17 year old daughter. Why have u not mentioned her? Why have u had no contact?? His older daughter lives with us full time!!!
I just can't understand it.
Friday morning as I'm off to work he tells me he is taking his daughter away that weekend.
Obviously I'm angry now as I feel betraid. So I tell him to fuck off I'm going to work.
Come home after 12 hour shift nothing. No text call Nadal!
Nothing by sat evening so I text. Him saying I think it's poor he has not text me to let me know he is OK were he is etc.
He reply he is giving me space & he has taken her to Edinburgh zoo & pizzahut.
He returns home Monday evening after his work, as though nothing has happened. I'm upstairs he asked me if I want a cup of tea I say no because I can't look at him after how he has behaved.
He then says its best he leaves as we are not talking...WTF
So I ask for my key & tell him his lies & betrail means I can't trust him. Plus there are no sorry can we fix this from him.
I loved this man had no idea at all nothing. And thought we would be together forever.
When he was away I searched the obituaries to see if it was true. He was married to this women.
Totally floored x
Any advice on how to deal with this going forward?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

144 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
24%
You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
TheGlitterFairy · 29/09/2022 21:11

Crikey - didn’t want to read and run and sure someone will have better advice. Seems he’s burying his head in the sand / avoidance tactic rather than discussing it - presumably as he knows he should have obviously mentioned all of this before now.

Perhaps have a bit of a time out then you need to speak about it / try to get him to talk you through it? Then you can decide what you want to do?

Name1232 · 29/09/2022 21:13

What's the 17 year old said about it, why didn't they tell you?

AuldReekie1905 · 29/09/2022 21:14

I can understand why you're upset and feeling like he's broken your trust. Must be a shocking thing to find out. At the same time, it's about time he was there for his daughter, especially with her losing her mum, so in that regard he's doing the right thing now at least.

I'd suggest giving yourself some space and let it sink in before you make any decisions.

purpleme12 · 29/09/2022 21:15

Erm wow that is... Huge.
I can't see a way back from this if it were me... Because of the deception...
Why did he kept it secret?
And why is with other people rather than him?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2022 21:18

I couldn't forgive the last 10 months of lies. Secret meet ups. Was he testing out being her Dad and seeing if he liked it before telling you or dumping her??
Where is the 17 yo? Does she even know?

LivingMyBestLie · 29/09/2022 21:23

Which daughter did he take away for the weekend?

In all honesty, I don't think I could respect a person who happily leaves a child without their parent.

I would need a bloody good explanation for things to be ok.

lunar1 · 29/09/2022 21:26

Did his 17 year old know?

Blackdog1620 · 29/09/2022 21:51

His oldest moved out to uni 2 weeks ago. Apparently she went to the zoo also. Yes she new & loves her dad. And teenagers are teenagers. It's not her fault he probably felt torn confused & who knows what he has told her. She is not returning my calls

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 29/09/2022 21:53

Wow this sounds a right mess.
Can't understand it

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2022 21:55

Why didn’t she go to her dad when her mum died rather than these guardians?

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/09/2022 21:55

Wow, that is shocking behaviour on his part. I say this kindly, but the fact he dropped this huge bombshell (why now after 5 years?!), left to go away with her, stopped communicating, and then was so quick to offer to leave makes me wonder if he wants out, and fir you to be the one who ends it? When he told you, was he looking scared to tell you?, and what the hell was his rationale for keeping this from you for 5 years! Also, what about the 17 year old? So many questions need answering.

Even if he is willing to work it out, ask yourself (as hard as it is as I know you love him), do you really want someone who kept his own daughter a secret from you for 5 years (and probably you from her)? I know 5 years is a long time but I wouldn't walk, I'd run!

Sorry this has happened to you 💐

Blackdog1620 · 29/09/2022 21:57

Yes I 100% agree he should be their for both his children. Not just the one that its convient for him to be around. He has hidden a whole person through out our relationship. The oldest one lived/lives in my house.
I have no issues with him having kids. But I can't understand the lies

OP posts:
Blackdog1620 · 29/09/2022 22:02

Thank u for responding.
I know 100% it's over. I could never trust him again. I think u are right....I did ask him if it was a get of jail free card...blank expression!!!
My confidence is knocked out & sadly I'm checking in with other women that its not just me that would have a problem with this.
And it's hard just to switch of loving someone x

OP posts:
goingback · 29/09/2022 22:04

wow, no wonder you are confused., do his two kids have the same mother? If so the 17 y/o has kept quiet also for 5 years. Don't understand why he wouldn't tell you if the kid was already 5 before you got together.

Blackdog1620 · 29/09/2022 22:07

They have different mothers. The oldest has a rocky relationship with her mother. As she has popped out another 2 after her & wasn't able or didn't have much time for her. So she preferred to stay with her dad. Then us when we moved intogether x

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 29/09/2022 22:08

That's insane! Why didn't he take the daughter on when the mother died? They were married! Is the 17-year-old daughter also the daughter of the woman who died?

Queuesarasarah · 29/09/2022 22:14

It’s shocking he kept her secret in the first place, it’s shocking he didn’t try to have custody of her when he became her only living parent and it’s shocking he has been secretly meeting up.
I can only assume he behaved quite badly to his youngest DDs’ mother and he felt ashamed of himself/didn’t want you to know. Clearly you already knew he was a dad and we’re actively involved with his oldest DD so there really is no rationale other explanation that I can think of.
Personally I’d want to hear his side of the story if only for closure but YANBU at all.

Blackdog1620 · 29/09/2022 22:15

I have no idea. Apparently this women was abusive to him. They split when the secret child was 2.5years & he hasn't seen her since. It has come out he has been paying maintance for her all along. I can't understand how he can have full custody of his oldest child & not keep in contact with the youngest S/C. I just do not understand it?

OP posts:
samqueens · 29/09/2022 22:17

Im so sorry - this is an enormous revelation and a huge shock for you and you must be absolutely reeling. Here’s what I would ask myself, when I felt able to (and appreciating that this might not be straight away)…

This man has two daughters (presumably different mothers). His younger daughter, who is now 10, has lost her mother, whom presumably she lived with full time, in the past year. This young girl’s mother has died. Regardless of how much or little contact he has had with her up until that point, he knew that she has suffered this loss. He did not: IMMEDIATELY make HER needs the centre of his universe. He did not instantly come clean, explain whatever complex backstory has created this situation, made it clear to HER that she has a father who loves her, a sister she can have a relationship with and (if this is something you had been able to work through together in the light of such a revelation) a step mother, step siblings etc etc who would offer her love and support.

I find it devastating to even imagine what that poor child must be feeling and very much hope her guardians are close family/friends on her mothers’ side and that she feels very safe and secure with them.

He has shown you who he is and it isn’t pretty. At best he is a disgracefully selfish coward.

However, I think I would want all the information on the backstory. AND I would want to know exactly what this child’s situation is now before I could begin to make any decision as to what to do next. Clearly there no long term future in being with a man like that. But I don’t know how you feel about his 17 year old, how old your children are, whether this child is vulnerable or in care etc etc.

Essentially I suppose what I am saying is, if I felt that me kicking this guy out or otherwise ending contact with him, would result in two devastated children being left at his mercy with no mother figures to turn to, I’m not sure I could do it. If the youngest is in a very safe situation and the eldest is nearly done with school then I would probably be tempted to try and manage the situation through the initial revelation/crisis and remain a point of security for all the kids until the eldest had finished A Levels and then cut ties with him (retaining a relationship with his eldest adult daughter, if it’s what you both want).

This doesn’t necessarily mean he has to live with you full time in the short term. And all of the above thoughts may be entirely wrong for your personal situation, of course.

The way he has treated you is appallingly dishonest. Whatever you feel you must allow yourself to feel - none of this is on you.

But if his eldest daughter is in the dark too, then the same goes for his treatment of her. She will also be feeling all this shock and need someone to lean on and share this betrayal with. And his poor younger daughter.

My heart just goes out to those children, and of course to you. I’m so sorry 💐

ThirtyThreeTrees · 29/09/2022 22:20

It's a massive omission and even worse than it was completely pointless as if you knew it wouldn't have made a difference.

It seems so strange that he would have full custody of his eldest (& obviously asked her to be complicit in his lie), to also pay maintenance etc.

I doubt I could get passed it either, especially with hiw easily he could keep this from you, but I think I would want the full details. It probably won't help but I would want to know.

samqueens · 29/09/2022 22:20

Be very wary of men who claim their ex’s were abusive to them… it’s not that this can never be true - but look at his behaviour and ask how much faith you want to put in what he tells you, about anything.

You may find it useful to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft as this app unfolds, just in case there’s anything useful you can take from it. (Recommend doing it privately via an app so he’s not aware)

samqueens · 29/09/2022 22:21

All not app!

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 29/09/2022 22:42

I agree with @samqueens. They usually say they are being abused because the wife objects to them having girlfriends, drinking all the housekeeping money and staying out all night.

ElEmEnOhPee · 29/09/2022 23:00

What an absolute shit and was he divorced from her or still married? and if he's had no contact all this time then is it really fair to turn up when the poor girl is grieving the loss of her mother? I guess the real kicker here is he's making absolutely zero effort to rectify things and has just accepted that the relationship is over without even trying to fight for it, you deserve so much more OP 💐

SacredDeer · 30/09/2022 07:57

Oh wow, what a shitshow. This must have been an almighty bombshell OP, finding all this out and realising how deadbeat he is and realising he's had technically a secret life.

He has out his 17 year old in in such an awkward position, I don't understand why on earth he thought this was acceptable to hide from you.

I hope you have a supportive family and friends to help you through this.

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