To tell this boys mum what her son is like?

[pitersanset]

DS dated a boy let's call him C for about 3 months, C then cheated on DS so DS broke up with him. C has asked DS if they can be friends, DS said no but that they can be on good terms and talk occasionally.

C seemed fine with this but last week he asked DS if he wanted to get back together, DS said no as he doesn't want a relationship right now, this seemed to have annoyed C and he told a few people at the college that DS was in a relationship with him, and outed him. DS had said he doesn't want anyone at the college knowing apart from his friends as he wasn't ready to come out to everyone.

DS suffers with poor mental health (depression and anxiety) and is now saying he wants to kill himself and he doesn't want to go to college again etc.

I want to C’s mum what her son has done as I can't do anything else

WIBU?

That all sounds very difficult but I think your energies would be better focussed on supporting your son. The other child may not have told his parents and so you would be very wrong to out him in this way.

Outing someone is fucking gross and any fellow gay but not out classmates will be very harshly judging, and will avoid him like the plague.

Most teens these days are allies and will also be judging harshly.

Speaking from experience with what happened when I was outed by a jealous ex when I refused to get back with her. It did not go down well.

Unfortunately if he is dating it's a risk that he was going to be outed by someone. I'd focus on your son and building his mental health.

Teenagers are full of hormones and perhaps C didn’t tell anyone out of malice.

Im sorry your son is in such a dark place, I agree that you are best focusing your energies on helping him. Best of luck, it can’t be easy.

Sorry but what has his mum got to do with it? I’m assuming as you mention college that they’re over 16 and therefore not down to his mum now this lad behaves.
I’d focus on your son and his reaction to all this, it sounds a little odd to be happy to be in a homosexual relationship but then not want to be “outed” as was he expecting to keep it hidden that they were dating? What is going on there… ?

Seriously? You can’t imagine why a gay teen doesn’t want to be outed but wants to date? Plenty of gay, bi and lesbian people date but aren’t out - some live their entire lives like it, for a myriad of complex reasons. For fucks sake.

How old are all the people involved in this, Including you OP? Assuming your son is a teenager and you aren't, what are you getting involved for? How embarrassing (for your son, and you).

How would the other lad feel to be considered a dirty little secret? I would be concerned if my teen was wanting an important part of their life to be secret and hidden like that, yes. I understand people do it but it’s not right in my view, and if it was my child that would be my concern as I don’t like secrets as a way of life. That’s no way to live.

Apart from supporting DS I wouldn't get involved. DD is a similar age and certainly amongst her circle being gay or bi would be no big deal.

Well that’s nice for you, and I was out to my family and close friends, but I lived in a deeply homophobic area and I’d already been violently attacked multiple times whilst at school merely because they suspected I liked girls; when I went to college in the City (15 miles away), it was a different area and a different attitude. I still didn’t want to be outed to anyone I’d been at school with.

C is already out and has been for years, so I wouldn't be outing him to his mum.

I'm getting involved because DS came to me in tears and C wasn't his “dirty little secret” as C knew DS wasn't out before they got into a relationship and told DS it was fine and to come out when he's ready etc and both their friend groups knew about the relationship as did the family DS is out to and most of C’s.

This is a difficult one, as just as your DS wanted the relationship kept secret, so C probably wanted to be able to talk about it to his friends, especially if he was upset at it ending.
Its generally a really bad idea, and rather unfair, to be in a relationship with someone and require that person to keep it a secret, even after you've ended it and they may well have feelings to process and need support from friends.
Its also not really C's fault that your DS is vulnerable and has taken this so badly.
So, no, I don't think you should talk to his parents. For a start they may not think your condemnation of C is fair. Secondly, I think if your DS is old enough for a romantic relationship he is too old for his mum to be complaining to another mum on his behalf.
Thirdly, I'm sure the last thing your DS wants is to prolong the attention and drama and potentially cause more gossip if C tells people you've been to his parents.
As PPs have said, better to focus on supoorting your son.

I’m so sorry to hear your son is struggling, OP.
I must say I assumed young people are ok with being more open about their sexuality. It must be so sad for him.

I agree with supporting him and finding extra support, if possible.

It might end up being a good thing if he realises no one wants to make a big deal out of his sexuality?

And yes, I’d definitely tell him mum

Sure, tell C’s son, I would. C is still a child and he’s been deliberately cruel. Also report to the college as this is bullying taking place in college.

Much more importantly what can you do re. your son’s mental health? He’s discovered he’s gay, had his first serious relationship, been cheated on and is now being bullied in quite an abusive and manipulative way by his former partner, in his college. That’s a hell of a lot to deal with. I’m also suspicious about the relationship with C which cannot have been healthy given C is clearly a horrible person.

Can you get him private therapy, or consider a gap year, or a change of college? It sounds like he isn’t in a good place to be thinking about exams and it will be very hard for him to be around C.

I’d strongly recommend he consider staying single until he’s finished his A-levels or whatever course he’s on. He doesn’t need all this drama.

No don't tell the parents, instead focus on your DS and what you can do to improve his mental health.

If their friend groups and families knew, then DS was out in all but acknowledgement. It wasn't a secret.

There is nothing to be gained from speaking to C's mum - your time would be best spent supporting your son.

It wasn't a secret relationship and if C wasn't happy with DS not being out to everyone then I don't think he wouldve gotten into a relationship with him. DS was only out to about 3 friends at college and C mainly because DS wasn't ready to come out to everyone, he was asked by a few other students if he was gay etc but he always said no as again, he wasn't ready to tell them and he doesn't understand why C told everyone at college as he was very supportive of C through homophobic bullying etc when he first came out.

Tell the college and seek support.

Also sone private therapy for your son. Would it help him to talk to someone who has been through a similar experience??? I’m sure there are organisations who can put him in touch with someone
Remind him how supportive he was to C. I’m sure there will be other kids who will be equally supportive to your son.

YABU.

What has his mum got to do with anything? They are 16, old enough to sort this out themselves.

Also tell her what, the type of awful person he is - the type of person who er tells friends who he has dated? To paraphrase Devi's dad in Never have I Ever - you deserve more than being someone's secret girlfriend, hidden away in the shadows. Even if the boy had promised not to tell anyone when they first started dating, it would be very strange and alienating not to be able to tell friends about a relationship that lasted 3 whole months.

Work on supporting your child and his mental health. He's going to find it hard to date if he wants to swear all his future boyfriends to secrecy.

I might try and speak to DS’s tutor especially as he's refusing to go but I don't blame him

C’s friends did know and DS didn't mind about this as he'd met them etc, the issue is C outing DS to students at college who aren't friends with C or DS so there was no need, C did this as DS told him he didn't want them to get back together.

Stay out of it. You are not helping your son by interfering. Just be there for him

Check your privilege. Hooray for you that you have never been discriminated against or threatened and are able to tell everyone in your life everything you feel like, but most adults have boundaries and don’t like them being eroded by other people. Not to mention a sense of self-preservation.
OP there has to be a reason this kid thinks outing your DS will hurt him, I’d be very concerned that his own parents might be homophobic and proceed with extreme caution. I know your son is hurting but you could endanger another boy in a similar position.

Did you miss the bit where the OP said her DS wants to kill himself and he doesn't want to go to college again etc. ?

OP, don't mention it to the other mother. It will make not one bit of difference. Focus on your DS and helping him cope. I would, however, be talking to college if he's saying he doesn't want to go.

Oh I see, it was deliberately malicious, a revenge outing. Yes that's terrible and I understand why you're upset, but still don't involve his mum. Your DS thinks he has it bad now, wait until the rumour goes round that his mum rang his ex's mum to have a go about the ex... DS will never live that down. I mean this literally, happened to a friend of mine (ex's mum rang her mum to "tell on her") at younger than your DS is now and every now and again someone still brings it up. We used to think the ex was mad, now we're mostly mum's too we think the mum was...

Focus on supporting your boy forget the other boy.