Mumsnet is toxic. AIBU?

[Gigacunt]

I’m a long time lurker and this is my first time posting so please be kind 🤨

I like to sit down in the morning with a coffee and have a read through Mumsnet, mainly because it is fascinating, like a parallel universe to real life, BUT…I do find myself horrified, sad, unnerved, shocked, angry etc… at the hatred that this forum creates.
Pretty much anytime someone makes a post asking a question, the majority of comments are negative, some to the point of abusive.
The comments appear to conclude in general (in the posts I’ve read) that:
• If you’re disabled then you’re lazy
• If you have mental health issues you’re likely overreacting, you need serious therapy or your children are suffering because of your MH
• If your OH does one thing wrong then they are lazy feckless idiots
• If your OH shouted at you one time then they are abusive and you should leave
• If your children don’t help around the house they are entitled
• Unless your children can’t dress and feed themselves and take themselves off to school independently by the age of 5 you are a dreadful parent
• If you’re not up, washed and dressed by 7am then you are lazy and not a productive member of society
• If you have anxiety you should just grow some balls
• If you think you might be ill, seriously or not, you need to suck it up and get on with life and stop being ridiculous!

I could go on!

One thing that massively stands out are the huge amount of people who make comments on the basis of the OP’s posts that they have clearly not read correctly. The amount of replies by the OP saying ‘didn’t you read my OP, I never said that’ (or words to that effect) are astounding, not to mention the amount of people that read what they want to read in a post and creates issues that aren’t even there. If someone put ‘my DS accidentally hit me during a tantrum’ some will create the narrative that the DS has anger issues and needs professional help. It’s like some sort of weird version of dyslexia where you read a post and your brain turns it in to something completely different (usually negative) and you run with it and feel the need to chip in.

And let’s not even start of the term ‘drip feed’. Perhaps there should be a stipulation on MN that you must write down all relevant information on your first post or you WILL be accused of drip feeding when you remember said relevant information and post it 🙄

I just don’t understand why, if people are asking a genuine question and would like some helpful advice, many people feel the need to be so negative and abusive. Maybe just don’t comment on the post if you’ve nothing helpful to say. Saying something negative and unhelpful to someone who really just wants a bit of advice can be so upsetting and, I imagine, the OP’s feel worse than they did before they posted.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be people out there who get up in the morning, log in to Mumsnet and troll away all day like it’s a sport.
I can guarantee most of the negative comments made would not be said in a face to face conversation.

It makes me sad that there are people out there who genuinely want advice because they literally have no one else to turn to so they go to a MN forum to get ripped apart by judgemental commenters who don’t seem to understand that it’s not appropriate to be a cunt just because you’re sat behind your keyboard. If you have no compassion, empathy or helpful advice relative to the OP, maybe MN is not the place for you 🤷‍♀️

Do you really think this post is going to go well look beyond AIBU OP.

I don’t recognise your description of MN.

You have accurately described AIBU. Not Mumsnet as a whole.

Shit! I did mean mainly the AIBU, not the whole of Mumsnet 🤦🏻‍♀️

MN is not compulsory, as you may not realise.

Some people are like that on here, but not the majority.

Wow;,I can’t get my head round starting a thread to tell the members they are toxic and asking said members to be kind in return.

if you don’t like it just find another forum, you don’t need to tell folks they are toxic before doing so,

I’m from Australia but joined this forum many many years ago when pregnant with first children (back recently as I am pregnant again) because I actually found the people here open minded, mostly kind, helpful and it’s not as censored as the Aus forum I am on. AIBU is always going to be a little like you described but check out the other boards and you will change your mind.

Blimey just read your full post, you even called us cunts

Uh oh! Drip feed alert!

That, by the way, is a very bad joke and I agree with much of what you have written.

Having been on the end of people hugely misreading my op on chat and telling me I was being unreasonable (when I wasn't asking for aibu) and clearly not listening to anything I say, I agree wholeheartedly. I'm never starting a thread on here again. People are nasty.

Just need to look at op's username.

You are right Op and you should leave right now and find a nicer kinder website.

TLDR but from the title and the first few sentences YABU. There are lots of lovely helpful and kind people on here - like normal life, you find what you seek!

Haha, I thought I’d be accused of drip feeding too as soon as I posted it 🤣

Completely toxic, that's what makes it fun

I think I agree with half your views on this, but some I've never seen and been on here for donkeys years in various forms

If you’re disabled then you’re lazy - never seen that at all, if anything it's the opposite where posters often lean into to peoples needs to the point of enablement

• If you have mental health issues you’re likely overreacting, you need serious therapy or your children are suffering because of your MH - depending on the severity this isn't false, many people fail to understand the real world wider consequences to not seeking help with certain MH conditions, and in some cases it does impact their children negatively

• If your OH does one thing wrong then they are lazy feckless idiots - yeah this is annoying on here

• If your OH shouted at you one time then they are abusive and you should leave - same as above, this is frustrating when people jump straight to abuse

• If your children don’t help around the house they are entitled - but it's kind of true, especially as it's usually mothers coming on here moaning about it whilst also not expecting them to do anything since birth.

• Unless your children can’t dress and feed themselves and take themselves off to school independently by the age of 5 you are a dreadful parent - never seen this, if anything people on AIBU have very little 'standards' for kids, the second one can't do something for themselves they're excused because they must have SEN

• If you’re not up, washed and dressed by 7am then you are lazy and not a productive member of society - have seen this on here and yeah it's a bit shit

• If you have anxiety you should just grow some balls - again never seen this, if anything posters on AIBU are keen to back up those who avoid situations due to anxiety which is actually not advised.

• If you think you might be ill, seriously or not, you need to suck it up and get on with life and stop being ridiculous! - have seen this, it's even worse on first day of work posts, unfortunately many on here have employment views harking back to the 80's

I like the robust responses (provided the poster has read the OP and is being rational).

Personally I have found MN hugely helpful. I think a lot of it doesn't on the OPs defensiveness. So someone asks for opinions then shows no attempt to actually reflect and listen to opinions. Of course you'll always have the odd argumentative twerp, but more often than not I find mums et enlightening and helpful.

I'm glad you laughed, it honestly was a joke. There are some really awful things and behaviours shown in here but there are also some really lovely and helpful ones too.

This is mainly AIBU- other areas of the site are much more helpful (although people do occasionally forget they are not on AIBU).

I think some users are just bored and being an arsehole passes the time, plus once a thread has gone against OP there tends to be a pile on- I'd recommend Jon Ronson's book on public shaming for more about that.

I also think that there are some questions which aren't especially suited to a general board like this and especially not to AIBU. Extremely delicate and sensitive subjects, anything which requires substantial specialist knowledge etc. It's obviously very worrying when someone who appears to be vulnerable posts on here for lack of other sources of help and then gets unhelpful and unkind responses.

Ya most definitely nbu

So you don't normally contribute to the discussion, preferring to just enjoy the fruits of other peoples' labour, but have now posted just to tell us how horrid we all are? And we're the toxic ones?

AIBU has certainly opened my eyes to how unpleasant some people are. I get that AIBU is somewhere where you can give more honest opinions than in real life but I don't get why people have to be so spiteful and sharp. You can disagree with an OP but still be constructive and kind as possible. I also wince at the dogmatic 'you have to do this exact thing' replies. They sound so bossy and patronising.

There are some lovely helpful threads about too.

YANBU.