Mumsnet is toxic. AIBU?

[Gigacunt]

I’m a long time lurker and this is my first time posting so please be kind 🤨

I like to sit down in the morning with a coffee and have a read through Mumsnet, mainly because it is fascinating, like a parallel universe to real life, BUT…I do find myself horrified, sad, unnerved, shocked, angry etc… at the hatred that this forum creates.
Pretty much anytime someone makes a post asking a question, the majority of comments are negative, some to the point of abusive.
The comments appear to conclude in general (in the posts I’ve read) that:
• If you’re disabled then you’re lazy
• If you have mental health issues you’re likely overreacting, you need serious therapy or your children are suffering because of your MH
• If your OH does one thing wrong then they are lazy feckless idiots
• If your OH shouted at you one time then they are abusive and you should leave
• If your children don’t help around the house they are entitled
• Unless your children can’t dress and feed themselves and take themselves off to school independently by the age of 5 you are a dreadful parent
• If you’re not up, washed and dressed by 7am then you are lazy and not a productive member of society
• If you have anxiety you should just grow some balls
• If you think you might be ill, seriously or not, you need to suck it up and get on with life and stop being ridiculous!

I could go on!

One thing that massively stands out are the huge amount of people who make comments on the basis of the OP’s posts that they have clearly not read correctly. The amount of replies by the OP saying ‘didn’t you read my OP, I never said that’ (or words to that effect) are astounding, not to mention the amount of people that read what they want to read in a post and creates issues that aren’t even there. If someone put ‘my DS accidentally hit me during a tantrum’ some will create the narrative that the DS has anger issues and needs professional help. It’s like some sort of weird version of dyslexia where you read a post and your brain turns it in to something completely different (usually negative) and you run with it and feel the need to chip in.

And let’s not even start of the term ‘drip feed’. Perhaps there should be a stipulation on MN that you must write down all relevant information on your first post or you WILL be accused of drip feeding when you remember said relevant information and post it 🙄

I just don’t understand why, if people are asking a genuine question and would like some helpful advice, many people feel the need to be so negative and abusive. Maybe just don’t comment on the post if you’ve nothing helpful to say. Saying something negative and unhelpful to someone who really just wants a bit of advice can be so upsetting and, I imagine, the OP’s feel worse than they did before they posted.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be people out there who get up in the morning, log in to Mumsnet and troll away all day like it’s a sport.
I can guarantee most of the negative comments made would not be said in a face to face conversation.

It makes me sad that there are people out there who genuinely want advice because they literally have no one else to turn to so they go to a MN forum to get ripped apart by judgemental commenters who don’t seem to understand that it’s not appropriate to be a cunt just because you’re sat behind your keyboard. If you have no compassion, empathy or helpful advice relative to the OP, maybe MN is not the place for you 🤷‍♀️

Exactly! Why do people feel the need to be so aggressive to strangers in need of assistance 🤷‍♀️

I read a post this morning, that has now been deleted, about a woman who had ill health and the school had been in touch to say something about it not being acceptable that her kids were 10 minutes late each day.

Maybe you also noticed how she constantly ignored all the reasonable advice and spent 25 pages bragging about being a wealthy hippie who didn't want to play by the rules?

It was a wind-up thread.

The worst thing on here I think (luckily doesn’t happen often) is when carers are guilt tripped. Most of the caring related threads avoid AIBU, so these are threads that are deliberately sought out, the OP is stressed and looking for support, and amongst all the advice and empathy is one poster who will guilt trip the op, then a helpful thread gets derailed by posters telling them to fuck off. I can’t fathom the motives of these guilt trippers.

I agree with you. For aibu. But not the rest. I've had some great support (under another username) in places like chat, sleep, and pregnancy

I also really dislike when people reply to a post (not on AIBU) asking for help saying it’s too long so they didn’t read it all and then giving a bunch of usually very combative and almost always irrelevant ‘advice’.

That would have been the one which has been removed? You cannot of thought that was genuine surely?

That thread was a little like your thread, just a coincidence of course.

It became obvious, quite quickly, that that thread wasn't genuine.

I read posts I think I may be able to give some useful advice to as we’ve all had life experiences that we have overcome and it’s kind to be helpful if you can, so no, I’m not ‘preferring to just enjoy the fruits of other peoples' labour’ 🙄

What a ludicrous thread. As other posters have said, mumsnet is not just THIS board (the AIBU one!)

I assume you're reporting the abusive posts you find and are giving kind, helpful advice to the people posting?

Or are you just sitting on a high horse judging that everyone apart from you is a cunt while not feeling the need in any way to help or rectify the problem?

The only place of safety from the patriarchy that I’ve found. It’s so refreshing. And it’s wonderful it’s busy 24hrs a day. It’s a lovely community.

Even the regular mean and nasties sometimes say something helpful. And maybe their lives or so challenging that they find medicinal relief here, and find it hard to stop being trigger happy. I’ve learned to ignore their comments and have compassion for them.

It really is.

YANBU - I'm a longtime lurker and have only started posting recently, and discovered it can be very nasty on here, and certainly not just on AIBU. You're spot on that a lot of posters seem to have zero reading comprehension, and give very rude & self-centred responses. That said, I'm still exploring, so maybe it's nicer on some of the more obscure forums. But the general bitchiness has stopped me engaging quite a bit.

Most of Mumsnet is supportive and informative. Some is downright horrible.
I have noticed recently many more posters deliberately misinterpreting the OPs post and forcing her to endlessly defend things she did not say - I think these posts should be deleted as they often derail the thread. Also not mad about those "Well what are you going to do about it" posts - so bullying. Ditto, the "Did you post about this before", as though that is a crime and the Drip feeding accusation. Mumsnet is a lot less kind than it used to be and I suspect it has attracted quite a number of misogynistic trolls that bring the whole tone down.

I’m a long time lurker and this is my first time posting

how is 'reading posts' contributing?

You're really not in a place to be throwing 🙄faces about.

Aibu is a viper's pit but there's pockets of wisdom and even kindness.

I think lots of people post here because it has the most traffic but you really need thick skin. Often it's worth it. For every person who is nasty there is also someone who is genuinely kind, helpful or knowledgeable. I'd say I have learnt a lot from aibu (and not just from threads i have started) but now if I want to ask a question I ask on the specific board and just accept there will be fewer answers because I don't have that thick skin.

What I find most concerning is pushing someone who is obviously very young or very vulnerable for more and more potentially outing information. Usually the op obliges because I think we all want to please and want approval ... even online. And some people are very convincing in why you must post more information.

Absolutely!

YANBU.

I understand that people who post in AIBU are asking for opinions, but I think some people see that as fair game for personal attacks, insults, etc.

It can be really unpleasant, and I expect the majority of people leaving these sorts of comments wouldn't dare say them to the OP in real life.

It has got worse lately. Perhaps people got in to trolling during Covid and it’s become a habit for them. Or posting nasty things makes them feel better about their own lives? Who knows 🤷‍♀️

I’m so sorry you had to experience that but that is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about! And the whole getting personal thing is absurd.
I guess I just don’t understand why people behave that way as to me, trolling people and making them feel bad is not a sport

I have noticed recently many more posters deliberately misinterpreting the OPs post and forcing her to endlessly defend things she did not say - I think these posts should be deleted as they often derail the thread

Yep. Recently someone took their mistaken impression "The OP has no job or income" and ran with it for post after post. OP said she worked part time in the first post.

People use AIBU as a venting platform for anything that pisses me off. It's been getting steadily worse over the years.

On the very rare occasion that I post I just ignore those responses. I know they just want to see the OP get riled up defending themselves

I have noticed recently many more posters deliberately misinterpreting the OPs post and forcing her to endlessly defend things she did not say - I think these posts should be deleted as they often derail the thread

yes pile ons are pretty common and the ops thread will get pulled apart divorced from the story the op told.

So do you have the attitude that everyone’s posts are disingenuous and fake? That’s a bizarre way to look at things. Surely we should take everything at face value and try and be helpful if we can, not comment a load of abusive shit. And if you think it’s a fake post, DON’T READ IT OR COMMENT ON IT 🙄