To not go to this wedding do?

[Crustyjugglers]

Partner and I invited to evening do of his work mate's wedding and basically, I don't want to go. Reasons are: I don't know the work mate or his wife to be, don't enjoy wedding small talk with people I don't know, can't be fecked standing about in heels all night, have feck all to wear and generally feeling quite anxious about the whole thing as I just don't do well in these situations these days (thanks menopause!). Suggested he went on his own and made a night of it (he's worked with these folk for over 20 years) and he was aghast at the suggestion! AIBU?

*a-cola

Glad you are going OP!

I have been where you are, and sometimes it is a case of JFDI, start off acting as if you are having a great time…and then find that you ARE having a good time.

A world of retreat gets ever smaller, and your courage and social confidence gets smaller and smaller to match. Don’t succumb to that spiral.

It’s fantastic that your DP wants good nights out with you.

(p.s the last 2 weddings I went to, there were people in trouser suits)

Don't go. One of the absolute joys for me about getting older/menopausal; is that I don't do stuff I don't want to do anymore, just to please other people.

Although I see the thread has moved on a bit! I went off the op. I'm adding a caveat - unless it really does mean a lot to your dh.

Agree. I’m nowhere near menopausal but I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I wouldn’t expect my partner to either. I don’t really do compromise 😂

@SuperCamp I love this - it's going to be my new mantra - 'a world of retreat gets ever smaller'! This happened to my wonderful mum and it made me so sad for her. It's so easy to stay in our comfort zones and make excuses. I always feel a bit of cognitive dissonance when I wimp out of social occasion because deep down I know it's not good for me!

YABU

You sound a right bore

@candycaneframe and I'm sure you're the epitome of cool

THINK.
Is is True? Nope. Well, no way of telling!
Is it Helpful? Nope.
Is it Inspiring? Nope
Is it Necessary? Nope
Is it Kind? Nope

@arethereanyleftatall

It's true based on the OPs posts

And it's a bit twee to expect women to 'be kind'

Opinions were asked for, I gave mine

Eh? How does not enjoying social events with strangers make one boring? The opposite is often true. Very boring people are often social animals because they're vapid. No thoughts on their own head, so go on and suck on others. Or they might be fascinating. Who knows?
Point is your social desires bear absolutely zero reflection on whether you're boring or not.

You didn't give your opinion at all. You simply tried to be spiteful to a stranger.

I think it's nice he wants you there, and it might be nice for you to get to know a few of his colleagues and have this shared experience. You might chat with him about if it's possible for you to leave a little early if it's going on very late so he can stay on if he wants to and you can make an exit if it's too boring or you're really not into it. Good luck!

I think you should make the effort you have managed all the other times you have been out, just find a chair have a couple of drinks you will be fine.

I hear you, my fear of missing out fomo has turned into fear of going out fogo!

Menopause and the pandemic has really changed things socially for me, which is such a change as I used to bloody love a knees up!

Flat shoes are a game changer, can you say you'll go for a couple of hours to spend some time and have a couple of drinks with OH and if he's loving it and you want to leave, you can head home and leave him to it? It's also good to see some faces, and have a change of scene if you can. Have as much fun as you can and you'll be back in your PJs in no time!

@candycaneframe,@arethereanyleftatall didn't mention anything about women - bit sexist of you to assume that's who she was referring to don't you think?😉

A work friend got married a few months ago. Another work friend and I left our husbands at home and went together. It was great. We both have introverted husbands who thought this was a great idea!

I probably wouldn't dress up too much for an evening do (and I never wear heels) and put in an appearance. My expectation might be not to stay long but I would play it by ear.

Tbh not liking the bride or groom much doesn't really come in to it, as in my experience you don't really socialise with the newlywed couple that much as they'll be circulating/dancing/drunk.

We were invited to evening reception recently for a bloke who plays footy with my DH. I'd met the bride & groom once before about 3 years ago. I drove (60 mins away though took longer as rush hour on a Friday) . Worse part was that I was FROZEN all night as we were all outside loads whilst they set up inside for band etc & I'd chosen to wear a knee length floaty dress & thin cardy (beg of September on a warm day but evenings get cold). Inside there was also artic air-conditioning blasting away all evening. I wanted a hot drink but machine had just been turned off. Was an OK night chatting to people I sort of knew from his football team & their partners but worse bit was knowng I'd have to drive home @ midnight. I'm perimenopausal myself & am often in bed by 10pm these days 🤣 plus no lights on narrow country lanes or most of the motorway home so I thought I was going to crash all the way home & DH was quite drunk & bit useless next to me etc. Have realised my night vision is atrocious these days (my age) so have told DH never again - we'd have to stay over somewhere. He was grateful I'd gone though & he would have felt awkward going alone. We arrived an hour before others from his team turned up & he only knew the groom who was obviously very busy. YANBU OP to not want to go but sometimes it's nice to be supportive I think. Depends if he could go with other work colleagues or whether he'd be standing around like a lemon if he turned up alone really.

High heels are not compulsory

Since getting divorced I’ve been to a few weddings on my own. I’ve hated them. Everyone in their couples or a group of singles together who know each other. Felt like a proper gooseberry.

when married I’ve been to weddings if his friends and he of mine. Never had to stand around making small talk. I don’t wear heels and usually find a table as standing around isn’t my thing. I like a bit of a dance though.

I’d say go, have some food, have a dance and a drink if you like a drink. Then leave if you’re not enjoying it or stay the whole night. You might be surprised once you’re out.

At the peri menopause stage myself and I dread most going out occasions but once I’m there I quite enjoy myself. I’m a pjs and box set type of person now but I’d still go.

Why would he expect you to go? I'd never take hubby to socialise with my work, neither of us would enjoy it! Stay at home and send him with his mates.

I totally hate traditional weddings, and also get really anxious and paingully self consious at being paraded about by hubby at social events so I really really understand!

But...

As adults we spend most of our lives around two sets of people, and rarely are they together, if he gets on well with the people invited than he must be looking forward to being able to include you in that dynamic and share with them the other half of him.

We need to try and do these things for each other, that's just part of being a team.

Good luck, And good shout on the JD 😊

Well done for stepping outside your comfort zone. I hate an 'evening do', if I'm not worth the whole day invite then, in general, they can stick it. In your case though, it's so nice that DP wants you by his side with his colleagues and the two of you can always slip off and go for a cheeky kebab on the way home.
And wear the flats!

Candycane, not sure kindness has anything to do with gender