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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put 20 pounds in a card?

27 replies

toogoodforthisworld · 28/09/2022 23:08

DSS had his birthday more than a month ago.
He and his brother live with us full time and visit mum sporadically- we take and then collect them.
He admitted to me in confidence tonight that he was a bit angry at his mum as during the last visit to see her, his birthday wasn’t mentioned at all. Not even a card.

I know she recently had to stop working for a bit due to illness and was really strapped for cash.

She’s starting work again soon but I have a feeling his birthday won’t be mentioned again.
He was quite badly ‘done to’ last year as well and his younger sibling seemed to get all the expensive presents earlier in the year and he got some new joggers and a hoodie.

Anyway.. I don’t want to discuss this with anyone I know as I don’t want DSS to ever find out ..
Would it be a good idea if I (I’ll call and check she agrees to it first) send her a note with a bday card and some money in it- for her to give him on their next visit?

Or is this asking for trouble in the long run?

My DP would definitely not agree to me doing this (mum doesn't pay anything towards the kids) - but I love my DSS and I hate him feeling hurt.

He’s faced enough hurt and rejection from his mum to last a life time - but I know she loves him and he loves her.

But will me trying to protect him hurt him more in the long term or should I just be thinking in the now?

OP posts:
PinkSand · 28/09/2022 23:13

I think you're a lovely Stepmother but I'd stay out of it. Buy him an extra gift from you and your DP?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/09/2022 23:14

I dount it's about the money/gift or lack of - there was nothing to stop her wishing him happy brithday.
Commiserate with him - but don't make up lies on her behalf.

Thatboymum · 28/09/2022 23:14

Honestly I wouldn’t bother. I know you want to protect him but in the long run I think doing things like this will do more harm than good as you will be giving him expectations of her that she can’t keep and aren’t realistic.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2022 23:15

Yabu, it’s potentially embarrassing her and she might have something for him this year. Let her be shit if she is, be a good stepmum

cestlavielife · 28/09/2022 23:16

No

You give him money from you if you want but dont pretend for his mother

He has to come to terms with her being a bit crap
Or that she loves him (does she??) but doesnt get the importance of birthday gifts

Get him some play therapy or counselling
Ackowledge and reflect back that yes it must be very hurtful that she didnt get him anything
Presumably she has some issues that account for the being sporadic etc
Maybe he needs them explained or needs to express his feelings perhaps talking to a family or child therapist

LuciaPopp · 28/09/2022 23:17

No, I wouldn’t do this although I can see the urge comes from a lovely place. Could you speak to her and ask her to do something or would that not work?

You sound like a wonderful step-mum.

mycatisannoying · 28/09/2022 23:18

Don't pretend it's from her. Give it to him as a wee extra from you, as you know he's been feeling down.
His mum has been shit, skint or not. I wouldn't set the precedent of carrying her.

Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 28/09/2022 23:22

@LuciaPopp I think I could call her and mention he was a tiny bit disappointed. But I don't think he'd want me to tell her and her to be upset.
She told me a while back how skint she'd been so i can ask her would she like to borrow some money - which she can pay back if she's feeling flush. Otherwise it's me paying it forward so to speak.
No point me giving him money - it's his mum he wanted the card/ money from.. 😢

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/09/2022 23:24

You cannot fix her
You can supporr dss

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 28/09/2022 23:27

I would. It’s a shame when kids suffer like this.

Abouttimemum · 28/09/2022 23:28

I honestly wouldn’t interfere. If it backfires it will potentially harm your relationship with DSS and he needs to be able to trust you.

She’s more than capable of wishing him happy birthday and getting him a card.

Abouttimemum · 28/09/2022 23:28

And also you sound great!!

LuciaPopp · 28/09/2022 23:29

Oh bless you and your DSS. I’m sure that all he cares about is her remembering, not the cash. If she could just write “sorry it’s late” in a card.

Definitely don’t fake anything- he’ll feel doubly let down if he ever finds out. Sounds like what he really needs is support dealing with it all. Does she have underlying issues?

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/09/2022 23:30

It’s the kindest thought, but you really cannot go behind his father’s back - he’s had a rough start - above all he needs the two of you to be a solid rock

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 28/09/2022 23:31

Don’t get involved. What he needs from his mum is genuine care, and you can’t prompt her into doing that or manufacture it for her. It’s not your job to communicate his feelings to her - he will do that himself if/when he ever feels safe with her, and you’ll threaten his sense of safety with you if you reveal his feelings to her.

The best thing you can do is be a consistent loving presence in his life. Giving him an extra gift yourself would probably mean the world to him - it’s not about the money, it’s about the fact you’ve noticed his pain.

Amarette · 28/09/2022 23:32

Please don't lie to him about his Mum. It will never end well. You just need to show him love and that you value him. Of course its hard to see him upset but you can't fix that by lying to him and betraying his trust in you. Lying invariably damages relationships even if your intentions are good.

Betternottoask · 28/09/2022 23:32

No matter how good a place it comes from, you don't start lying to your DSS and you don't humiliate him or his mum by buying a card and sending along some money that you both pretend is from her (specially behind your DH's back). If no other reason than you could potentially ruin future relationships between yourself and your husband, your DSS and his mum if the truth were ever to come out. It's great how much you care for and love your DSS and that you have a civil relationship with his mum and I think it's more important to maintain those relationships with truth and understanding than trying to swoop in and 'fix' their relationship, no matter how heartbreaking it might be to sit back and observe.

pumpkinfan · 28/09/2022 23:36

No I don't think you should do it. But I do think you sound absolutely lovely.

Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 28/09/2022 23:38

@Everylittlethingsgonnabealright
Thanks for this. Yes maybe you have a good point there. I'm taking him for new trainers as his other ones ripped. I could stop by the Macdonald's as well as he loves that crap lol.
He does trust me. He said that the day he met me funnily enough. I feel like we have a special bond. He is so like his dad - it's like I get to know them both by getting to know either one of them !

OP posts:
PinkSand · 28/09/2022 23:38

Don't do it!

Macaroni1924 · 28/09/2022 23:41

Wow you sound like such a wonderful and lovely step mum 💐 they are both so lucky to have you.

shiningstar2 · 29/09/2022 00:42

You are a very caring stepmum. No idea what's right on this situation. If she would accept my a loan from you that would be a temporary fix but going forward ....how it would pan out ...who can tell. He needs not just to think she cares but that she actually cares enough to do something for him. Just keep being the amazing support you are. 💐

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 29/09/2022 01:32

She could have brought him a 29p card from card factory or wrote a nice message for him about how proud she is and how much she loves him, letting him know times are hard but she is trying her best and one day she will give him the world. Any shit like that. Don't encourage her to be a crap mum by giving her money op.

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 29/09/2022 08:29

"He is so like his dad - it's like I get to know them both by getting to know either one of them !"

Are you quite new on the scene then? It's a lovely thought but definitely not a good idea. If he trusts you then it's not a good idea to trick him

Original poster
toogoodforthisworld · 29/09/2022 22:43

@PigsInBlanketyBlankets I moved in about 3.5 yrs ago. It's just funny to see DSS discovering himself in his teenage years and doing things the way his dad does. And it helps me understand why his dad does certain things because now I get to see how something / certain behavior is initiated lol!

OP posts: