AIBU to report best friend's DH to new employer?

[Username0928]

My best friend has been in a physically abusive relationship with her DH. She has put the cogs in motion to leave him, thank God! He doesn't know.

Her DH has applied for a new job at a big corporate company. AIBU to contact them to alert them of the situation before they interview him or even offer him the job?

Just thinking that as a woman, I wouldn't want to work with someone like that.

Are you having a laugh?

No. It'll make him angry, make you look like a twat, and get your friend into trouble. Just support her in leaving him.

The busier and better paid he is, the easier her life will be.

If he’s as abusive as you say you’ll put your friend’s life at risk. Men like him take their problems out on in private. Trust me when I say you’ll make it so so much worse.

The women he works with will be fine because he will be charming and would never show his true personality.

Do what you want when she’s safe, it might take years. Do not do anything except support her to get out now. Seriously. Your morals have nothing to do with this.

How could.you possibly think this is a good idea? You could potentially escalate an already volatile home life. It sounds like you are trying to cause drama tbh but you absolutely cannot do this.

However much of a bastard this thing is, it has no convictions. This means its private life is of no interest to its employer.

They'd likely think you were acting maliciously anyway.

Look at it this way, it needs to be occupied. An abusive wanker with time on its hands is a very unpleasant thing. If it has DC with your friend then it will need to pay maintenance. It is essential that it works.

No. First of all, employers should not make or rescind offers on the basis of individuals' allegations- if and when there's something on official record, it may be different. And secondly, and more crucially, he might take it out on your friend.

OP, my best friend was in a similar situation a few years ago. She’s now out and safe.

i have never felt less powerful and it was horrible to realise the situation she was in and how little I could help,

i spent a long time encouraging her to leave and offering support- others did too and she eventually made the decision

Once she had decided to leave it took time and she needed to do it carefully and safely. Although it was frustrating, I learned to be focused on her and guided by her about what would help.

honestly, I wanted to do terrible things to her ex - still do! - but for now try and focus on her, even if all you can do is lend an ear while she makes plans

@Ihatethenewlook holy f* - have you contacted the GMC? This obstetrician would not pass a dbs check, surely.

No. You'll wind him up and make things more difficult for your friend.

Support your friend. Offer to help with practical things. Listen to her problems.

I think the only way an employer can think twice is if the prospective candidate has a criminal record, and even then I don't think allegations of DV or even a conviction of DV is a reasonable excuse to withdraw an offer. But others can advise better than me.

Depends if the role required security clearance- I had to withdraw an offer from someone, who was in their 30s, because of a conviction for a crime they committed when they were 16

Do they have kids together? If so, surely it's in everyone's benefit that he has a good job?

Are you mad?

They will tell him what they have been told and it will very very badly backfire on your friend. He will know she has been talking about him, may even accuse her of talking to the company.

Leave it be and let him get on with his application. It sounds like an idea time for her to leave while he trots off somewhere else for an interview.

Do nothing that might affect your friend getting away from him.

Financial stress will make him more violent.

Who do you think he’ll take it out on,
if he doesn’t get the job!?

Men like this take it out on those at home usually, your friend, who you are trying to help. Don't do this, please, let her leave, & even then don't do it because they won't act & he will blame her. You don't want that.

I just want to help,.support your friend, listen (a lot), help with practical support, financial if you can afford it & it's required but not this, please.

His employment has absolutely nothing to do with you, nor has his marriage got anything to do with his employer.
Mind your own business instead of minding the business of others.