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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to report best friend's DH to new employer?

44 replies

Username0928 · 28/09/2022 22:54

My best friend has been in a physically abusive relationship with her DH. She has put the cogs in motion to leave him, thank God! He doesn't know.

Her DH has applied for a new job at a big corporate company. AIBU to contact them to alert them of the situation before they interview him or even offer him the job?

Just thinking that as a woman, I wouldn't want to work with someone like that.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 28/09/2022 22:56

Do you think it could effect your friend leaving him?

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 22:56

You want to cause him problems that might escalate things before your friend is safely away from him?

I doubt he's beating women in the workplace, they never do.

Gloriosity · 28/09/2022 22:56

No, I’d concentrate on supporting my friend.

mamabear715 · 28/09/2022 22:56

I wouldn't, personally.. for lots of reasons.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2022 22:56

I get why you would want to but they won’t do anything

They will have no evidence just the word of someone random person who could as far as they know have all sorts of reasons to say something like that. They can’t withdraw a job offer on hearsay

Support your friend to get out safely and quickly instead

ProseccoStorm · 28/09/2022 22:58

There's nothing to be gained in this.

And what do you expect the company to do? Take the word of someone essentially unconnected with the situation, with no proof, and make a decision based on it?

Wouldn't you be furious if someone emailed your prospective employer about you, without proof, and they decided not to hire you?

You'd be putting them in a very difficult position, as well as risking your friend's safety

Ihatethenewlook · 28/09/2022 22:58

What is it that he’s applied for? Unless anyone’s in danger then I’d keep out of it. Their may be repercussions for your friend if he finds out what you’ve done

titchy · 28/09/2022 22:58

You think a large company will believe a random person that phones them up and says one of their new hires is a nasty piece of work and withdraw the offer...? Really?

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/09/2022 23:01

I can assure you that you wouldn’t get beyond the receptionist in any of the companies I’ve worked for. You’d get a brusque “thanks for your call, I’ll pass your message on” and then they’d put the phone down and say “god, just had some right weirdo call me.” I’d save yourself the embarrassment.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 28/09/2022 23:02

Umm no op. Nose out drama queen.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/09/2022 23:02

Seriously DON’T do this - if his stress levels increase your friend could be in danger.

Focus on supporting her for now - women are most at risk of serious harm at the time they decide to leave, so if necessary encourage her to talk to women’s aid who can help her safely manage the process

Even once she’s well away, he’s more likely to come after her if his life stress increases. Also the company cannot pay any attention to accusations from a random person - he’d need to have a conviction, so it’s a waste of time.

Ihatethenewlook · 28/09/2022 23:03

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2022 22:56

I get why you would want to but they won’t do anything

They will have no evidence just the word of someone random person who could as far as they know have all sorts of reasons to say something like that. They can’t withdraw a job offer on hearsay

Support your friend to get out safely and quickly instead

A lot of them get away with it even when there’s evidence. I know an obstetrician at a hospital who’s been convicted of beating two of his ex wives, and has been disallowed to see any of his children from all of his relationships. He has been stalking one of his exes for years (despite being in another long term relationship) and regularly gets arrested for it. The kids school phone the police if he’s spotted near the grounds.
I also know of a man who sells a popular newspaper on a stand in a busy city centre who has done serious time twice for child sex offences. No one seems to give a shit

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/09/2022 23:06

They will most likely view your call as malicious.

ChampagneCamping · 28/09/2022 23:07

She can report it to the police. A clear DBS is often needed to get work.

supermodel · 28/09/2022 23:09

Of course you shouldn’t, not helpful in this situation at all and I don’t think the company would take any action.

Reallyreallyborednow · 28/09/2022 23:12

She can report it to the police. A clear DBS is often needed to get work

yep it needs to go through police. As pp have said anyone could ring up maliciously.

report it to the police. Then if work care about that sort of thing it may show up when they do their background checks.

Relevanceiskey · 28/09/2022 23:26

ChampagneCamping · 28/09/2022 23:07

She can report it to the police. A clear DBS is often needed to get work.

A dbs is only allowed to show things relevant to the work. Eg a dbs check in a finance role won't show a rape charge but will show a money laundering charge etc. Also not all positions are allowed to apply for a dbs, only if the role allows it

TeaKlaxon · 28/09/2022 23:31

Definitely not! Best case scenario your message gets ignored. Worst case the hiring manager tells him they’ve had a report of DV which will make him think either that your DF called, or at least let him know she’s told someone about the abuse. If she’s making plans to get out, don’t put her safety at risk by him finding out she’s confided in someone about the abuse.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/09/2022 23:35

So you are deliberately going to get him frustrated and angry, so he takes it out on his wife (which you know he does) before she has a chance to leave?

What could possibly go wrong?

Kumri · 28/09/2022 23:37

Don’t tell them, or at least not until your friend has left.

An angry man rejected by an employer is much more likely to attack his wife than a smug man in a good mood about his new job. Plus, when she divorces him, the higher income he is then the better her share is surely.

FixitJesus · 28/09/2022 23:40

You should mind your own business and just support your friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2022 23:40

FGS, don't be ridiculous. You sound like a busy body who is only going to make things worse for your friend.

PinkButtercups · 28/09/2022 23:41

I think this would come back on her. You might be the only person to know.

200degrees · 28/09/2022 23:43

The employer won’t care

OldFan · 28/09/2022 23:48

They'd be unlikely to care, they'd think it irrelevant shit stirring unfortunately. But if he found out someone had said something to his work/a potential workplace, PP's are right that there could be a backlash towards your friend from him.