Not to let dd sleepover

[Stephthegreat]

Dd is 8 and has a very small class at school. There’s been a lot of bullying (emotional/psychological) with one girl in particular and the other (birthday girl) often joins in with the bully. There’s another girl who tries to stay on the fence. Dd still calls the bully a friend because they can sometimes have okay times.

Birthday girl wants a sleepover at her home with Dd and these 2 other girls. I wouldn’t say Dd is particularly close to this girl as she is best friends with the bully. This girl is absolutely insistent Dd should go to the sleepover and Dd is feeling peer pressure to do it and has now asked to go. The girl’s mother hosting the sleepover has already a lot of children in the house (she has adopted children and her own - 6 dcs in house), pets and is often very blasé about keeping an eye on things (I can understand she’s overwhelmed at times).

AIBU to say that Dd doesn’t stay over? The bully and the friend have been horrible off and on with Dd. Sometimes saying things that scare her or upset her to the point I’ve had to involve school. The girls also say they’ll stay up all night watching films. This girl also has her own phone.

*sorry I should make it clear, the birthday girl is best friends with the bully

Nope. As a compromise pick her up at 9.

I have an 8 year old DD, no way would I allow her to sleep over when she has been so poorly treated.

I understand she's feeling the pressure and it's hard to navigate those emotions, but the bully isn't going to be kind to her when they're left to their own devices. Your dd will just come back from the sleepover distressed and upset.

Add the other concerns you've outlined into the mix and it would be a hard no from me. I'd do something fun with your dd instead and point out they aren't her friends

We only did sleepovers with trusted families at that age fortunately we were friends anyway. This has disaster written all over it. Agree 9pm pick up a good idea.

I actually don't think I'd let her go at all. If she goes but doesn't sleep over will they be nasty about this during the day?

Take her out somewhere lovely instead. Say you had prior plans she didn't know about as it was a surprise for her.

I'd be worried your dd might be entertainment for them if they enjoy bullying her! Awful, I'd say no but pick her up at 9 to show you've compromised.

It sounds like the mum would be too busy to notice something happening under her own roof.

The fact the girl is insisting your dd goes is not good, sounds like she has plans and maybe won't be kind.

In these circumstances I wouldn't let her sleep over.

I'd say no as you don't trust the mum to properly supervise. Even without the other risk factors I'd be wary.

• history of bullying
• girl has own phone aged 9 - risk of pictures, sending round etc
• they are going to watch 'films' - I wonder what rating?

I wouldn't send round to pick up early, that somehow seems worse than not going at all.

Don't let her sleepover. Sounds like it's going to be traumatic. But we never let kids sleep over at peoples houses anyway. Bit neurotic like that.

I would say you have other plans. If she goes but doesn't stay for sleepover this will set her aside from everyone else and give opportunity to be picked on/quizzed over it.

Maybe plan to pick her up at 9 but have her stuff in the car, if she’s having the time of her life reassess, but expect to bring her home.

No way would I let her go. No good will come of it. She won't enjoy it and you'll be worried sick.

If she's under pressure to go she can tell them it's your fault.

I'm always saddened by the absolutely no sleepovers parents on here - but yes in this circumstance I would find some more exciting other plan that means she can't go to the party at all. An overtired bully is a terrible idea, and leaving early will just over them ammunition before and after.

I think I would probably be trying to find something else to do on the day with DD which would be much more fun for her so she doesn't go at all. If she is the only one picked up rather than staying over that in itself sets her apart from the small group snd could well be the cause of bullying issues both on the day and later.

Agree Rainbow sleepovers at this age at my best friends lovely families house are key happy childhood memories. Outright ban is sad and miserable. That said this scenario is car crash.

No way.

These kind of descriptions are always red flags for me.

This girl is absolutely insistent Dd should go

Anyone insisting someone else does something for them. Especially when there is a history of poor behaviour.

I wouldn’t let her go at all. Definitely not to sleep over, but being picked up early could increase the bullying (haha - your parent has to pick you up early because you’re too scared to sleep over) and may also make your daughter more worried about them talking about her after she has left.

As a few others have recommended, I would plan something nice to do with her that covers the time of the party.

I wouldn’t let her sleepover either. Also- a good lesson to help her understand how to say ‘no’ to social invites that are not worth it - despite wanting to go. Best of luck to your girl - she deserves the best x

I’d not let her go at all to be honest - it might be grand, but chances are they’d be unkind all day. Picking her up early is a positive gift to the bully: if your DD’s lucky it’ll be “MiniSteph’s such a baby she’s not allowed to do sleepovers [any more]” - if she’s unlucky it’ll be “MiniSteph wets the bed so she can’t do sleepovers [+/- comments on nappies]”.

Are you able to take her out somewhere nice for the day, have you family somewhere you could visit, is the sleepover far enough off to plan a cheap weekend away somewhere?

More generally, it’s worth having a look through the books on bullying prevention “A Mighty Girl” recommend & seeing if you can get hold of something suitable for your DD; & they also have suggestions for parents - you might be able to get your local library to arrange an inter-library loan if they don’t have the title[s] you want. The Anti-Bullying Alliance have resources available for parents [& carers] as well as young people - even the BBC have produced a guide to talking to your child about bullying.

Please don’t mistake me, I’m not assuming you haven’t done anything, I just mean that it sounds as if it’s a difficult situation well beyond the sleepover & your DD might benefit from your helping her understand (as far as is possible) what’s going on; & doing things to boost her confidence etc.

Hi I know it's nothing to do with the point of your post but the women has 6 children. Not children and adopted children. The 6 kid family appears to be the potential issue. Adopted children are not extras to the family.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Be busy that weekend. Invite birthday girl alone to your house for a sleepover another time.

No, no no! Don't let her go.

Instead, let your dd invite one of the reliably kind girls in her class or a friend from out of school to a sleepover, not on the same weekend but before or after. Your dd needs to have good boundaries with the mean girls and you can help her with it.

One of my dc was in a slightly toxic trio and they had a few sleepovers. In the end I had to put an end to it as there was too much conflict and competition about who was closer to whom. Just one on one now, it works much better and is more relaxed all round.

Again let's point out the 'adopted' children, WTF has that got to do with anything? Do you think they will be unruly? Just say children FFS 🤦‍♀️

I definitely would not let my child go. Give her an excuse (like pp said book a night away somewhere/ plan something fun) so that she can tell her friends she is not free that night. Your dd will most likely be relieved.