Not to let dd sleepover

[Stephthegreat]

Dd is 8 and has a very small class at school. There’s been a lot of bullying (emotional/psychological) with one girl in particular and the other (birthday girl) often joins in with the bully. There’s another girl who tries to stay on the fence. Dd still calls the bully a friend because they can sometimes have okay times.

Birthday girl wants a sleepover at her home with Dd and these 2 other girls. I wouldn’t say Dd is particularly close to this girl as she is best friends with the bully. This girl is absolutely insistent Dd should go to the sleepover and Dd is feeling peer pressure to do it and has now asked to go. The girl’s mother hosting the sleepover has already a lot of children in the house (she has adopted children and her own - 6 dcs in house), pets and is often very blasé about keeping an eye on things (I can understand she’s overwhelmed at times).

AIBU to say that Dd doesn’t stay over? The bully and the friend have been horrible off and on with Dd. Sometimes saying things that scare her or upset her to the point I’ve had to involve school. The girls also say they’ll stay up all night watching films. This girl also has her own phone.

FGS don't tell your dc you don't trust the mum to supervise! She will relay this back to the friend and so her mother! This is a very strong thing to say especially about a woman who has adopted and will have been rigorously checked out.She will be hurt and angry and tell other parents what you've said.

With the Birthday girl so insistent that my DD attended and the sleepover I'd be definitely saying no to her going.
I worry they have planned something not so nice.

Nope not a chance in hell would I let her sleep over.
You'll spend the whole night worrying and these girls sound so unpleasant.

100% this! ⬆️

I'd be trying to navigate your poor daughter away from this group of mean girls & towards new friendships. I'd also make it known to the school that I expect them to deal with the bullying situation. It has to stop. End of. Don't give up if you feel they're not doing enough. I say this as a parent and a Primary School Teacher!

My mother was abused at 'sleepovers' in the 1930s, so it wasn't allowed for us. Thank goodness. Keep your dd safe, bring her home.

8 is young for a sleepover anyway esp with people you are unsure about. Pick her up at 9pm.

Also wouldn't let her go at all. The other girls sound vile and the home chaotic.

It's a shame you're busy that weekend and she can't attend.

I wouldn't let her go. Have you ever seen the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa went to her first sleepover and they spent the entire time making fun of her. Including putting on a horror film and then live filming her being scared.
I agree with a PP arrange to go out and do something else, tell them it was a surprise for your DD and she didn't know about it.

No I wouldn’t let her go.

You’re being a dick about the Mum though.

This. Plan something else with your dd for the same weekend.

Something fab if you can. Absolutely do not let her sleep over. Sounds like they might have something nasty planned as they are so insistent she comes. Very strange

Another person here who would regretfully have “other plans” for that night.

Any chance your DD could move schools OP? I moved my DD last year from a similar scenario. Tiny class ruled by a toxic queen bee. Moved to a large class of 28 girls and despite her initially saying she didn’t want to move she is very happy now - a different child. She honestly hadn’t realised what proper friendships could be like!

Or if you can’t move her, agree with pps that it’s important to make her aware of the behaviour that are happening and try to expose her to other friendships outside of school. Don’t let this be her “normal”.

No, she isn’t. She has perfectly reasonable logistical concerns about the supervision

Just say no. You’ll find your daughter will be relieved that you’ve put your foot down and taken control of the situation. Nothing good will come from letting her go.

I think the sleepover sounds like a bad idea!! My dd was also bullied in a small school and I second other people saying that it's good to think of moving schools. With so few friends your dd will of course have no choice but to mix with these girls yet it's a toxic mix and potentially harmful to your dd.

I would be seeing this as an opportunity to evaluate whether this is the right place for your dd long term as parties, sleepovers and residentials will all be happening probably in the future. It would be better if she could be with people she trusts.

I wouldn’t let her go to the party or the sleepover. This is a good opportunity to learn about self respect and making good decisions.

You don’t have to go to every party or event you’re invited to. You can choose what you want to do.

If the people inviting you treat you well and you know that you’ll enjoy their company and have a good time, then choosing to go will probably be a good decision.

If the people inviting you have a history of not treating you well and you know that you might not enjoy their company and might not have a good time, then choosing to go will probably be a not so good decision.

That because you are her Mum, she is still quite young and with all the information you have, you are going to make the decision. And your reason for your decision is: because you (mum) are not convinced that these girls are going to treat you (dd) the way that you deserve to be treated.

Oh. I see how you read that, it isn't what I meant.

I meant I would say no to a sleep over at any house where I didn't trust the parent to supervise properly regardless of other factors, but that is of course not what I'd tell my DC!