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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Greedy CSA

38 replies

snoozysuzi · 28/09/2022 00:38

Hi all, my daughter has just turned 15 and due to cost of living crisis I am struggling a bit. Her dad is absent 95% of the time which has always mostly suited me. He has always paid and we have had a mutual agreement. Recently I asked him to review payments, turns out I’m due several hundred more than I have been getting. He is panicking and doesn’t want to give me the full amount, suggests we “talk” first but god knows why. Am I being unreasonable to ask for the (quite substantial) amount I am entitled to?
FYI I am an NHS nurse, he is a civil engineer (who has claimed his tax back the last 2 years).
reason for posting: I don’t want to be one of those women just taking what I can get, I like to earn my way in life but I could use the money 😭😩 His payments just now are reasonable. Thanks

OP posts:
NotJustAnybody · 28/09/2022 01:07

I think it's time to use the CMS. It's not greedy to get what you're entitled to. Times are hard for everyone, such is life.

Longdistance · 28/09/2022 01:09

Just go straight to CMS. I wouldn’t give him time to worm out of paying what he should.

HerRoyalNotness · 28/09/2022 01:10

Of course it’s not greedy! He should be paying his fair share not working out ways he can get around being cheap towards his child

limitededitionbarbie · 28/09/2022 01:12

Don't be surprised If you get no help from then though. They are useless

Thedogscollar · 28/09/2022 01:13

You are not being greedy. He is paying towards his child upkeep as well he should. Don't give it another thought get what you and your daughter are both owed.

Soubriquet · 28/09/2022 01:15

He should be paying it. You’re not greedy.

CMS might not be a big help though. I have friend who’s due £2k back. It’s supposed to be taken off her ex’s wage and she still hasn’t received a penny in 5 months

NumberTheory · 28/09/2022 02:07

It’s not money that you are “taking”. It’s the minimum amount he should be contributing for the benefit of your daughter. Of ourse you should pursue it. Your daughter shouldn’t have a crappier life because he can’t be arsed being a decent father.

Fraaahnces · 28/09/2022 03:08

He doesn’t just owe you for raising his child, he owes it to his daughter. Do it.

ParentallyUnprepared · 28/09/2022 03:21

"I don’t want to be one of those women just taking what I can get"

This is bullshit and a horrible way of putting it. There is nothing wrong with a woman insisting on receiving the amount they're entitled to.

Fraaahnces · 28/09/2022 05:31

"I don’t want to be one of those women just taking what I can get"

Sounds like you’ve been conditioned by him to think that way too

Paigeycakey · 28/09/2022 05:41

Your DD is 15 you don't have that long left. Why weren't you always using CMS? Sorry but if it was me I would me taking him for each and every penny! This is a matter of principle.

Also money aspect aside you presumably cover the majority of childcare over the years and have limited time to yourself even now.

Women need to be firmer I'm shocked that all mothers are not using CMS as there first point of call especially when the father has little to no input in the child's life!

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/09/2022 06:11

Fraaahnces · 28/09/2022 05:31

"I don’t want to be one of those women just taking what I can get"

Sounds like you’ve been conditioned by him to think that way too

The patriarchy did a number on you. Your CHILD can use that money for education, a home, a car, travel.

justusandmoo · 28/09/2022 06:15

Do you mean that you want a back payment or that you want him to pay the right amount going forward?

OzziePopPop · 28/09/2022 06:30

But cms is the minimum…. He wants to pay less than the minimum? 😂 and no.

cms, keep it all professional, no ‘talks’ aka as him trying to talk you out of what your daughter deserves!

WalkingThroughTreacle · 28/09/2022 06:32

First and foremost, child maintenance is for the benefit of the child so the notion of you being greedy is a nonsense. Second, the amount due from the absent parent is based on their income, not the (minimum) cost of providing for the child's needs. This may seem unusual at first glance but the underlying principle is that the child has a right to benefit from the wealth of the parent(s). So the better off the AP is, the more they should contribute towards their child.
Take what the calculator says your child is entitled to. It is their legal right.

justusandmoo · 28/09/2022 06:44

Genuine question so please don't jump on me. You can't agree on an amount and decide to keep it way from CSA involvement and then 15 years later decide that you do want to go according to their guidelines on amount? How on earth does he find that sort of money now?

I'm asking as I'd be in the same situation although my daughter is 13.

Paigeycakey · 28/09/2022 06:46

@justusandmoo agree, it's a good question.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 28/09/2022 06:49

If it's been the same amount for 15 years, of course it can be revised - unless you're suggesting that his salary hasn't changed in 15 years? Back payment I suspect is unlikely though (although if he strings out upping it I would push for it from the time you asked for revision)

Second, the amount due from the absent parent is based on their income, not the (minimum) cost of providing for the child's needs.

This is an important point - it's not based on what the child can survive on, it's based on the lifestyle they could expect commensurate with their parent's earnings - if he's buying Hugo Boss coats, they should have enough to get a premium children's brand coat, not only have enough for a Primark one.

girlmom21 · 28/09/2022 06:51

This isn't about being one of "those women" whatever that is...

That's his child too. He's equally responsible for raising her. It's not a woman's job to raise a child and be grateful for whatever 'help' they get.

He doesn't want them looking into his finances - that's why he wants to talk.

Cwcwbird · 28/09/2022 06:53

justusandmoo · 28/09/2022 06:44

Genuine question so please don't jump on me. You can't agree on an amount and decide to keep it way from CSA involvement and then 15 years later decide that you do want to go according to their guidelines on amount? How on earth does he find that sort of money now?

I'm asking as I'd be in the same situation although my daughter is 13.

Of course you can. You think these princes among men who are underpaying didn't check the cms calculator first to make sure they didn't offer too much? They've been duping the mothers of their children and their own children for years and now it's time to pay the piper.

Stag82 · 28/09/2022 07:00

If you’ve managed to do it amicably this far you could try having a conversation. Do you know what you should be getting? Otherwise go through CMS. Being main carer limits earning potential. My ex just told me he won’t be picking up on his own night a week anymore. Think he’s in for a shock when he realises after school
club is £15 per child per session!

CuntyMcBollocks · 28/09/2022 08:03

Don't be such a martyr. The money is his contribution for your shared DD that he should be paying for. You'll get no thanks for struggling and letting him get away with paying less than he should.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/09/2022 08:09

I don’t want to be one of those women just taking what I can get

Where did you get this idea from? Especially regarding a man's responsibility to his child?

EvilRingahBitch · 28/09/2022 08:14

Nothing stopping you from taking the extra money and putting it straight into a savings account for your DD.

Fuuuuuckit · 28/09/2022 08:45

justusandmoo · 28/09/2022 06:44

Genuine question so please don't jump on me. You can't agree on an amount and decide to keep it way from CSA involvement and then 15 years later decide that you do want to go according to their guidelines on amount? How on earth does he find that sort of money now?

I'm asking as I'd be in the same situation although my daughter is 13.

You absolutely can. My ex was earning less than half his current salary when we split up 15 years ago. Should he pay the same towards his kids' upbringing whilst now having double salary? CMS is a MINIMUM and comes nowhere close to the actual cost of raising a child (at the very basic level, never mind if you need to pay for childcare, new trainers, school trips).

OP go straight to the CMS. They don't backdate, and it looks like he's been enjoying his pay rise for years without passing on the benefit to your dc. Call them this morning.

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