AIBU to think that size of income plays a huge role in how you raise your children and how you generally plan your family life?
This comes on the back of my DF comments, who is a nanny to 2 well-off families, with the same age children as my DC. DF keeps making unfavourable comparisons between my DC and the children she looks after.
For example, she invited us to dinner last week, and in the middle of the conversation, when my DS was talking about something animatedly, DF interrupted him, mid-sentence, asked for his age, and said something like: “Oh you are quite small for your age. My (let’s say Angus) is the same age as you but he’s double your size and plays cricket for his school”. Then she asked DS if he had chosen his subjects for the exams, to which DS said not yet (he's only 11), she replied: “Oh, Angus already knows what he is going to do”. She then went on to ask if DS was doing any extra-curricular activities at his new school, and when DS said not yet (he started secondary school only 2 weeks ago, and the communication with the school is quite slow), she said laughing: “Oh Angus’s mother chose and paid for his activities last year”. Her comparisons usually cover posture, speech, table manners, confidence, academic abilities, time spent on screens and so on and my DC always fare worse.
For context, both families she works are not just regular wealthy, but super-wealthy, with (probably) private jets, homes in different countries, children in top private schools, nannies and cleaners.
Our family is in the opposite spectrum – financially struggling, cash and time poor, both work full-time, overcrowded living conditions (this is relevant).
I suppose the children in the families DF work for come from a different gene pool than our poor DC, with extremely smart and successful fathers, mothers in both families are former models (which explains why their DC are taller/better-looking), whereas we are an average couple. Combined with the wealth and everything money provides, I think it is logical that their children would be taller, fitter, smarter, better-looking, more confident, more eloquent and so on. Their mothers are SAHMs, so have time on their hands to plan DC's activities, look after their postures, develop talents etc.
I can’t say we neglect our children: we work hard to provide what we can, cook balanced meals, pay for DC's tuition, sports, hobbies, we read, we talk, we go places. But working full time means we don’t have much time to guide, direct, manage or develop DC, most of the time DH and I are simply frazzled with stress trying to survive and juggle.
When DC were smaller DF's veiled comments were about my parenting skills, my DC's sleeping and eating routines, how Angus settled at 6pm, slept through the night and ate vegetables for desert, while mine did not. Am I right to assume that it's easier to keep a routine when you live in a four-storey mansion with a full-time nanny, than in a one-bedroom flat with paper-thin walls? Just to add, I am not resentful and contended enough with my lifestyle. Of course, I would love to increase income/upgrade lifestyle, but nonetheless, we make the most of what we have, our children make the most of what we offer, and although not in same league as those super-rich, they do well at school and are generally happy (which for me, is the most important thing).
I wouldn’t mind if the criticism was directed at me and said to me privately. I hate the fact that she says it my DC. But I can’t say anything to DF as she is quite vulnerable (she broke up from an abusive marriage, have terrible relations with her family) so I just keep quiet not to upset her. DF is also a very kind, caring and generous person. So my question is not about how to answer back, I know she means well, but do you agree the comparisons are not fair?
I would be interested to see your views, would you say:
AINBU - yes, money makes a lot of difference;
or
AIBU - you should compensate for what you can't give to DC in money's worth by long-term strategic planning and micromanaging. You should get up at 5am to watch tutorials on how to develop eloquence and confidence in kids, take out a loan and send DC to skiing/riding lessons, hound school staff to open bookings for after-school clubs a year in advance, hire a chef/dietician/personal trainer/stretching contraptions to make DC grow taller, force your DC choose their jobs/exams/subjects 5 years in advance?