Infertility has destroyed me

[hippopotato]

Hello,

Really hoping for some positive stories/words of encouragement.

I'm meant to be in a 'happy' stage of my life - moving house in a few days to a lovely house and a couple of other nice things have happened recently. However, I cannot feel happy. I feel numb and destroyed because my infertility is at the front of my mind 24/7.

I literally can't be happy with anything. I haven't laughed for so long because everytime something funny does happen I'm so quickly catapulted back into my terror that I will never be able to conceive (I have bad endometriosis and a dodgy fallopian tube).

I'm so desperate for a new start at my new home and to look forward and be excited for it. But I'm just not because all I'm bloody thinking about is will I ever get pregnant :(
Purposely chose a house with a nursery room too and it just feels like a kick in the face.

Can anybody help in any way? I just want to feel somewhat happy 😭 please

Please just take care of yourself as a priority. I know how you feel. I felt like this after 7 years of getting nowhere (and being told DH at the time was the 'issue') But, and this is a big but, I now have a child with special needs and it's not the happy party that parenthood is supposed to be. It's challenging, bloody hard work, exhausting and a million miles away from where having a cute baby is.

Honestly, I think if you're in this position, you need to get really grounded with why you want a child and what you think it's going to be or what it's going to bring you.

I may have missed your post, but how old are you?

I'm probably going to get some flack for this now, but actually I do think that struggling to conceive is a sign nature is trying to give us that something isn't connecting.

Focus on you. You need to get mentally well before you even think about getting pregnant or bringing a child into the arena. A child needs to add to your life - not be so drowning that's all you can even think about.

I'm so sorry that you feel like this. Infertility sucks.

Following on from things people have written above, one thing that really helped me as I started fertility treatment and all the unknowns was to put some effort right from the start into also planning what I wanted in life if I wouldn't have a child, and to find a way to imagine a future that I actually wanted rather than seeing it as doom and failure. I felt I had a lot of time on my hands and wanted to take a responsible role in the community so I ended up signing up for basic training for the volunteer ambulance service. Fortunately for me the 4th round of IVF worked out, but I was really happy that I had a good plan that would have allowed me to feel ok about stopping treatment if it hadn't.

It's horrible...after many years and after being told not a candidate for ivf...after a few miscarriages I did get my lovely ds. But how I coped
1, finding activities that could totally take my mind off it for at least a few hours a week...mine was pottery 2, try and love my body again I hated it because of its failure to conceive - I did lots of yoga and no I don't think it helped me conceive but wow being finally able to do a hand stand at 35 made me admire my body again and take back some control, 3, threw myself into work which has paid dividends in financial security now ds is here ( only annoying thing is all those people who claim concentration on career is taking priority over family this included my mum so lots of rows) 4, find some fun cool women of your age or older who are happy without kids 5, research research research your issues to look for new methods - know more and see through the bull shit - 6, make a plan for if natural conception doesn't happen - explore adoption, egg donation, surrogacy etc and think about how you would feel about it. I used to tell myself that I would go for adoption as maybe this is happening to me to prepare me to be a mum to a dc who is not biologically mine but would need me more.

We struggled for 8 years. I had 6 cycles of ICSI with immune therapy and lord of losses to get my boy who is now almost 11.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with.

It made me into a very bitter person, less so now.

The thing I struggled with was others advice - the 'you should be happy for them brigade' that came out in full force for all of the 24 pregnancy announcements that came my way. It got to the point that I wasn't happy for them and didn't see why I should be unless they were sobbing all night for me, which they weren't. Don't get me wrong, I didn't wish no ill will on them but I just didn't care. When I stopped caring about other people and stopped trying to feel how I was told to j became a lot more content with my feelings.

The term 'life works in mysterious ways' is a true one, and you don't know what the future holds for you yet, I didn't ever think I would be in the position I am now and here I am.

I won't tell you to be positive, I won't tell you to give up drinking or consume pineapple like it's going out of fashion, I won't tell you to be happy for other people or to 'make an effort' with them but I will say put one foot in front of the other, weigh up your options and make small plans to move forward whether they be medical or not. I wish you nothing but love and luck.

I see where you are coming from but sometimes I think some things are better left unsaid. 😬😬

Maybe easier to say that it might be nature telling us something when you have been successful in conceiving even if parenting hasn't turned out the way you wanted.

Sorry forgot to add my age - I'm almost 30.

I'm unsure if my age is a good or bad thing - I follow a lot of people on Instagram who are going through infertility and ivf and the majority are in their mid twenties which makes me worry I'm on the wrong side of my twenties.

I should have pushed for my endo diagnosis earlier, 10 years ago minimum in fact, but I have been incredibly naive and although in the back of my head I suspected I might have an issue conceiving, I didn't expect at least one of my Fallopian tubes to be destroyed like this due to endometriosis.

Have you looked at the 'Fertility Friends' website. It was an invaluable forum for me. So much advice and support.

OP - I was around 32 when we started ttc, had first ivf cycle at 34. I wished we had started everything that much earlier but obviously couldn’t turn back the clock. There will always be those younger (and older) going through this.

@CoastalWave no flack, but I don’t agree with this. There are many reasons why conceiving might be more difficult/impossible the ‘usual’ way. For me multiple surgeries related to gastro issues from childhood meant my Fallopian tubes were unusable. IVF was needed to bypass the problem. I don’t think this was nature telling me or a sign that I shouldn’t try to conceive in an alternative way and use the treatments that were available..

@CoastalWave

I'm sure (hoping) you didn't mean that to come out as nasty but I really don't think that was very fair to say that people struggling to ttc is natures way of saying something isn't connecting.

I already hate my body for 'failing' me so this is really hurtful to essentially read that I don't deserve it due to external forces of nature and that it is a sign I'm not worthy or entitled to a biological child the same way that others who don't suffer from infertility are.

So everybody else who has got a biological child - is this good for them as nature obviously did intend it for them but not me?

All of the children that are neglected and abused? Nature obviously connected their parents for them but not for me because of a medical condition I have? A medical condition that is absolutely and totally out of my control?

Apologies if I'm misunderstanding this (I really hope I am) but I don't think my struggles are fair to blame on nature not intending that I can have a child due to a lack of 'connection'.

It’s beyond insensitive to use the “it’s nature’s way” argument to someone struggling with infertility. Just as it would be to someone who’d miscarried.

I'm a pragmatist which helped me greatly through infertility. I made the decision early on to just get on with my life and, to a certain extent, ignore all the other stuff. Of course there were times when I cried, but they were minimal and I told myself that other peoples success stories didn't have any bearing on my struggling. From the time I first discussed my fertility and had chlomid till the time I actually gave birth was 17yrs.

I told myself I was 'luckier' than some because I didn't get pregnant at all, and somehow that seemed less heartbreaking than the women I met who could get pregnant easily but had multiple miscarriages and never ended up with a child. In 15 yrs of active treatment I never produced a single viable egg. We didn't go down any other routes though, the options weren't something we wanted to try.

We made plans for a childless future, which helped a lot. As did being an involved auntie to my 13 nieces and nephews, because I could convince myself that I could do all the fun parts of 'parenting' without the slog.

Compartmentalising all these things lessened the obsession and stress. I didn't talk to counsellors or family/friends other than in passing about it because each time it would bring all the feelings back to the forefront and interfere in my daily life. It was much easier just to get on with daily life and put conceiving to the back of my mind.

And it worked. We had a good life (albeit between appointments) were happy, and, as a couple became even closer. The worst point was at 15yrs being told by the clinic 'sorry there is nothing more we can do for you'.

I was 22 when we actively started ttc. When I was 39 I fell pregnant completely out of the blue. It was mind boggling and life changing and I had a real meltdown about 'not being ready'. 2yrs later I fell pregnant again, my boys are now 24 & 21.

I hope you can find a way to not let infertility spoil your life here and now. It's a tough journey but it's only part of your life. Whether or not children happen for you (and I sincerely hope they do) you deserve a happy life.

@hippopotato infertility is hard enough without the ‘helpful’ input from the ill informed and well meaning. You have youth on your side though you may not feel that way. Obviously there are no guarantees but there are different routes to parenthood. Head over to the infertility board for support from those in the same position. There is medication to improve your fertility. Triggers to force ovulation. If that fails It’s likely you have time for IVF with your own eggs. If you have no/insufficient eggs, seeking a donor kind of stops the clock fertility wise. I’m also loath to mention this as it gets trotted out as a facile solution from the ignorant and illinformed, but there is adoption and fostering. Again, there is a board on here to get a view on how and whether to follow this route. None of these are easy options but they may be options. I was beyond lucky to conceive my child at 40 with IVF. It took seven years. They were hard years. I viewed the steps as hierarchical and sequential - adoption was last not because it is less worthy but because it was less time bound that IVF with my own eggs. I always kept all steps in mind as it meant that although I had to deal with much disappointment, I felt more in control knowing what could happen next.

@nokidshere i was like you - I never felt like other people having kids had any bearing on me. They weren’t taking anything from me. What did hurt me were assumptions around why I didn’t have children and the way society is set up around families with children; I often felt
marginalised which may well be the same for people who are child free by choice.

Fucking awful, cruel post from CostalWave, seriously vile. Funny how some people get pregnant from one night stands in their teens or while dependent on alcohol or while homeless or after losing multiple children due to neglect/abuse, eh. I wonder why nature didn't intervene then and ensure that something didn't 'connect'. Pay no mind to it, OP. You sound like such a lovely person and you deserve to have the child that you want and it's deeply unfair that you're having to go through this pain and will have to go through so much to achieve your dream of having a baby, when others are able to achieve it so easily. It's just not fair.

I have no advice, I just want you to know that I think you sound like such a strong and caring person, you would make a wonderful parent and I sincerely hope for you that some day it'll happen for you. If you haven't already explored it, maybe therapy could help, especially someone who specialises in infertility who isn't going to bingo you or say something so hurtful. Going through something so painful and traumatic will take a toll on you and having support from someone who isn't involved in the situation could really help.

So many people with endo aren't diagnosed until it's really progressed, it's awful. I don't know what your options or next steps are but you're honestly really not alone, there are so many people going through the same. I hope you can find your 'tribe' if that would help, to feel less alone.

I think it was somebody who spent years trying. Mind bloody blown. 🤯