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Original poster

Infertility has destroyed me

65 replies

hippopotato · 27/09/2022 21:37

Hello,

Really hoping for some positive stories/words of encouragement.

I'm meant to be in a 'happy' stage of my life - moving house in a few days to a lovely house and a couple of other nice things have happened recently. However, I cannot feel happy. I feel numb and destroyed because my infertility is at the front of my mind 24/7.

I literally can't be happy with anything. I haven't laughed for so long because everytime something funny does happen I'm so quickly catapulted back into my terror that I will never be able to conceive (I have bad endometriosis and a dodgy fallopian tube).

I'm so desperate for a new start at my new home and to look forward and be excited for it. But I'm just not because all I'm bloody thinking about is will I ever get pregnant :(
Purposely chose a house with a nursery room too and it just feels like a kick in the face.

Can anybody help in any way? I just want to feel somewhat happy 😭 please

OP posts:
ThirtyThreeTrees · 27/09/2022 23:53

It's worth a try definitely. I cried for the first session, ranted for the second one and somehow once I got it all out, I just felt lighter.

It's a very lonely position even with the most supportive partner, family and friends. Unless someone has been there, they can't relate fully.

SwordToFlamethrower · 27/09/2022 23:54

So sorry! I used a clinic in Istanbul called Jinepol for my infertility issues (age and sperm count) and almost full term.

It wasn't easy but the prices are way better than UK. £1800 per round.

Original poster
hippopotato · 28/09/2022 00:02

@ThirtyThreeTrees

I actually only have a supportive partner too.

My family don't get it at all and are completely minimising the whole issue and my friends simply don't understand. So that adds to my already extreme loneliness.

I'm going to look for a counsellor this week xx

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 28/09/2022 00:06

Infertility is just horrible.
I'll never forget those dark years. Dreading being with friends and hearing those words "I have some news", and knowing I'd have to fake joy while wanting to cry.
IVF worked for me though. I've got 2 teenagers now.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 28/09/2022 00:07

Your family and friends are not very compassionate towards you, that'll add to the pain and frustration.

Is there treatment available for endometriosis?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm sure pp's will have some positive stories to help you.

TheWideningGyre · 28/09/2022 00:13

I think a counsellor would be good @hippopotato.

Maybe you never will get pregnant at all. It's probably best not to look for 'positive stories', rather this is your story. Be how it may.

And that might never result in a baby. You may be child-free your whole life.

And that could actually be a very positive story for you.

KimberleyClark · 28/09/2022 00:17

TheWideningGyre · 28/09/2022 00:13

I think a counsellor would be good @hippopotato.

Maybe you never will get pregnant at all. It's probably best not to look for 'positive stories', rather this is your story. Be how it may.

And that might never result in a baby. You may be child-free your whole life.

And that could actually be a very positive story for you.

Well said. It’s important to realise a baby is not the only only possible positive outcome of an infertility story.

Notamumsad · 28/09/2022 00:34

Agree @KimberleyClark
I focused too much on the baby outcome, to the detriment of everything else. My life is shit now, never got the baby and my career and friendships are now in ruins, balance is key

Ihadenough22 · 28/09/2022 01:09

I think for your own mental health that you need to go to counseling. I know you want a baby but ask yourself why do you want a baby?
Do you want a baby because you always wanted one? Do you want a baby because your partner or husband wants one?
Did you grow up in a family where getting married and having children was important?
Do you want a baby because your expected to do this in your family or for cultural reasons?
Do you feel like all your friends/family are having kids and that it's your turn now?

I know some women who have a child or children because of the above. Then they realise that the reality of having a baby/child is harder than they expected. Some women find that their mother or his mother don't want to offer any help despite living close by and having time also. Also children can take up a lot of time. It is expensive to bring them up and your have to work your life around bringing them up. You could plan to go back to work after 6 months or a year off but then you could have a child that sick or with special needs so you can't go back to work due to this.

I think in your situation that going to counseling will help you deal with the fact that you may not have your own birth child. Your don't want to neglect your partner/husband, family and friends because you not getting pregnant. If you don't get pregnant you still want these people in your life. Some times life does not go according to plan but that not always a bad thing. Rather than concentrating on what you don't have you need to realise all that you have now. Also the less stressed you are the better chance you have of getting pregnant.
I would look into adoption and IVF as well if you want a child so you can weigh up your options.

Ticksallboxes · 28/09/2022 01:19

I'm so, so sorry you're feeling this way OP.

My sister had breast cancer twice and her treatment put paid to her chances of conceiving. But she's a Londoner working in TV and she's surrounded by friends who've decided to put their career before having a family, for financial reasons, so she's in good company.

Meanwhile my DD15 has recently declared herself gay and said that there are too many people in the world, and she'd be very happy adopting.

Michel Foucault described our generation as the last great Victorians and I think the need and desire for children and an actual family is now probably on the brink. Take flight.

moonriverandme · 28/09/2022 02:58

I'm so sorry. Infertility has such a far reaching effect on your life, it seems like it effects your every waking moment, a black cloud always there. Every month crying & feeling your body has failed you. It's devastating. Avoiding friends who are pregnant or have babies, it can & does effect your personal relatioships. I would ask for a referral to a counsellor eexperinced in this area & also join a support group for couples suffering from infertility, it helps to talk to others.
We experienced secondary infertility following a stillbirth, my husband was supportive & my family tried but didn't really understand.how devastating it is & how low your self esteem can feel at times.
We were fortunate & were blessed with a daughter after 2 years trying, We were referred for infertility treatment but conceived naturally before treatment started.
Sending you best wishes, positive thoughts & strength. Be gentle with yourself take care. 💐

Lucyshavingaparty · 28/09/2022 06:46

I think people's answers will be very different depending on your age.

knockyknees · 28/09/2022 06:54

I'm sorry, OP. Infertility is shit. It's the not knowing when - or if - you'll have a baby that is the worst. I think if there was a way of knowing in advance whether you'd ever have a baby, even if it was going to take 10 years, that'd take a lot of the stress away.

I don't know if this will give you any hope, or just make you feel worse, but I had endometriosis as well, and actually lost one fallopian tube with my first ectopic pregnancy (which is how I found out about the endo), but I do now have two DC. (Also had (have?) PCOS, so things weren't great to start with). They were conceived with clomid. I also had a miscarriage (natural conception) and second ectopic, which basically ended my chances of a third child, but am grateful every day for the two I did have/get.

Sending you all the best. 💐

UseOfWeapons · 28/09/2022 07:14

OP, I do feel for you.
Despite 2x IUI and 3x IVF, I wasn’t fortunate enough to ever have a child. I lost one pregnancy at nearly 4months after IVF.
I struggled to talk about this with anyone, at the time, but after the miscarriage, I took 6months off work, and just had time to grieve, reflect, and reset my life, what would it feel like and look like without children.I started to be at peace with it. My last cycle of IVF failed.
I hope you are lucky, and will add my thoughts and prayers to those of other posters, but even if it doesn’t happen, you can be happy, content, and lead a useful and full life. I’m a very happy aunts to all my friends’ kids, and have had lots of experience of being a secondhand parent! counselling is a great idea, it really does help to talk, and explore how you’re feeling without judgement or having to watch your words.

adopter2022 · 28/09/2022 07:26

It's so hard isnt it. We really struggled and I remember finding life utterly pointless for a long time. I would recommend finding people that understand what you're experiencing. A therapist can help to validate your feelings. There's a big infertility community on Instagram that may help. We adopted in the end and life is now amazing and we love our love and wouldn't have it any other way!

3ShotsOfEspresso · 28/09/2022 07:29

Positive stories are great, but please know life has meaning after infertility. It shouldn’t need saying, but TTC can really destroy a person.

Please search the hashtag #childfreeafterinfertility to find an incredibly supportive community of women who will understand exactly what you’ve been through.

Good luck OP.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 28/09/2022 07:31

Sorry - please search that hashtag on Instagram. Missed the crucial bit of info there!

lizziesiddal79 · 28/09/2022 07:37

I’ve been there. I’m so sorry. Gateway women really helped me when I needed them.

gateway-women.com/

NarNooNarNoo · 28/09/2022 08:22

So sorry OP. Been there, for me it was all consuming as well. Not helped by my two best friends getting pregnant first month of trying (yes both of them!) yes I would get upset and feel bitterness at hearing of any pregnancies and seeing young babies, irl or celebs.

I had medical history which meant I knew conceiving might be tricky, when they discovered my tubes were blocked they started planning for ivf straight away. In a way this was good as didn’t have to go through other options first like clomid. But like you couldn’t believe my body was failing me again, it felt so unfair!

Fortunately ivf worked after two years ttc but I definitely would have sought help from counselling if not (and in hindsight should have earlier anyway) as didn’t have anyone bar partner to confide in and might have helped me during those dark days.

One thing I have noted since then is just how many go through through this, so finding a supportive group can help if your inner circle can’t relate.

vincettenoir · 28/09/2022 08:33

I’ve been there and I feel for you. It’s hard not to let infertility be all-consuming.

You probably don’t have much choice other than to stay in touch with your pain atm. And talking to someone who can help you process it might help.

Without ignoring what’s going on in the forefront it might also be good to focus on something else, as much as is possible. A physical challenge, yoga, guitar classes? Whatever! Something that really absorbs you for a while, gives you a break and reminds you there is more to your identity than this.

FiveShelties · 28/09/2022 08:34

It is tough, but it is possible to have a great life without children. I was unable to have children and thought it was the end of the world at the time. Both my SILs fell pregnant quickly. I have had a good career, a fantastic relationship with my husband, travelled extensively and just had so much fun.

I also found it tough when I saw friends having grandchildren, but I have learnt that I cannot always have what I went - even if it does feel very unfair sometimes.

Good Luck

Rina66 · 28/09/2022 08:50

Emma Barnett is good to listen to and read, she has endometriosis and has just announced her second pregnancy, both via IVF. She's such a good journalist and absolutely tells it like it is, but her eventual positive experiences spread hope.

vincettenoir · 28/09/2022 09:24

I didn’t know Emma Barnet was pregnant again. She is an excellent journo. I love her book, Period.

KimberleyClark · 28/09/2022 09:38

I'm sorry, OP. Infertility is shit. It's the not knowing when - or if - you'll have a baby that is the worst. I think if there was a way of knowing in advance whether you'd ever have a baby, even if it was going to take 10 years, that'd take a lot of the stress away.

This. If I’d been told at the outset that I was never going to have children I think I would have been able to cope and move on much sooner than I did. But if there’s the tiniest glimmer of hope it’s impossible to ignore. And society generally is much stronger on the “don’t give up hope” message than the “there is life after infertility” message..

The Non-Mum Network on Facebook is a great supportive and friendly group.

Katyrosebug · 28/09/2022 09:47

Hi op, this is what worries me about myself, I'm nearly 37 and I've been trying for a while with no success and it's really getting to me now, so far it's not consumed me but it's starting to go that way as I keep having dreams I'm pregnant, or I'm breast feeding etc..